this year in thought

I don't think a whole lot of change has happened for me. Essentially, I'm still the same person. I've stopped driving at night and rebelled against the dishes, but that's all surface stuff. It showed me who I am, actually. I am a scared girl who's going blind, but I'm also someone who's not afraid to have everything taken away at the expense of her beliefs (even if, bugger, they're not very practical).

The biggest change, I think, has been the relationship with my friends.

Sometime before the school year ended, Kelsie told us she was opting to go ahead and go to Woodland. I was absolutely crushed. Even though I logically knew that she was going because it was better (and, ahem, it is), I couldn't help but feel that she was leaving us, leaving me. I think I tried to keep it in check a little bit, but out of nowhere I would just feel so angry. I think she remembers that, because when it happened, I usually punched her arm. And then she went to Woodland, and we started off our Junior year at separate schools. Those first few weeks were so...listless. It wasn't really the same. I'd find myself thinking, "Kelsie would think she is so cool," or, "Kelsie would hate this lady." And it seemed like she didn't have the same problem, which hurt a little bit. Every time something good happened to her (and it happened a lot, because she's so special), I took that as further proof that it was better to be away from her. I don't know if or when I'll get over that. :(

Then Gracie. I guess you could say without Kelsie we've become closer, but not. Our conversations tend to focus more on sex and guys (of which, sadly, there are no cute ones) and Lee. She seems more and more sure of herself, and she's putting herself out there, but like with Kelsie, I'm selfish and thinking that I'm being abandoned. Sigh.

Even though we're not all together, we try to make time every week to hang out, which I can tell you, isn't easy. Normally, I dread going over there, because I know we're just about to leave in an hour. And I'm right to dread it. That hour, I realize how close we are, and it is so difficult for me to get in the car and drive away.

I suppose that, yes, things have changed for me. I started off the year after drinking a little bit of alcohol, and I haven't drank any since. I've started to distance myself from my mother. I put all of my money in a place that's supposed to help me get into college, but it doesn't seem to be helping so far. Harold died, and I realized that I haven't seen my aunt in over two years...and wondered if that made her my aunt, still. I went on the Birth Control. I got a new fish. My old fish died. Then my new fish died. Pollen attacked and covered the ground, the cars, the trees with yellow. I slept on a bed outside in the middle of March. I built a guillotine. Gilmore Girls ended. My favorite teacher ever moved away, along with a good friend, and I miss them dearly. I got black frames for my glasses. I survived, but Brooke, Shika, and Joe did not. Finished Harry Potter. Started Twilight. Realized how much I love the summer. Procrastinated until the very last day to do my summer work. Realized my school sucks ass and doesn't actually care about education. Smelled the flower freezer. Ate Icees. Made it to Laura's Halloween party. Saw Kelsie in a pageant and Gracie win homecoming princess. Made it to GHP state. Joined student council. Joined Prom Committee.

I think that's it. That and other stuff. Other people. Other things.

I think this next year is going to be very different.

le iPod

I've only had it since this morning, but I love it.

I've already got about 15 hours worth of songs on here, which really isn't a whole lot if you consider that I only added the full albums we have, and haven't gone through the long process of adding individual songs or importing CDs because the rest of my family would like to get on the computer some time.

Ha, it's so cute! Joey got me the cutest little leather case thingy. I love it!

Merry Christmas to you all!

countdowns.

All this last week I was counting down days until school was out.
I was counting down the days until we graduate (270).
I was counting down days until Christmas (3).
I was counting down days until the Potter Party (6).


All of these countdowns are making me pretty happy.

Ha, I got a 76 on Trig and it brought my grade down 5 points. Lame.

Last night, Gracie's dad took us to see Sweeney Todd (with Kelsie, of course).
I don't know what to make of it. It wasn't scary, per se. Disturbing, but not scary. I don't imagine that anyone around these parts are going to go off the deep end and start slitting people's throats to make them into meat pies. I did like that I knew that one song (kudos to you, Jersey Girl/Kevin Smith, you god you). I guess I liked it, overall. It's just not the kind of movie that you need to see more than once.

Yay! School's OUT for Christmas!

dear prudence won't you come out to play?

Ha. I always thought that was funny.

Today wasn't so bad. Boring, but not bad.

Started off with the two study periods (lame). Neither of them really helped at all. Then we did APUSH exam, which was so easy it was almost hard. I don't know what to think about that. Then English, which I couldn't even study for at all because it was a practice AP exam, which you ALSO can't study for. Ew. I don't know. I think I did okay on that one. Not sure, though.

So tonight, I should really study for Trig, because I haven't studied for it at all and it's probably going to be a bitch in my ass.* Also, I should look over some Public Safety stuff. And I really should do those current events for Chemistry, but I probably won't, because they're not due until Friday.

I feel bad, though, because I hurt Gracie's feelings. I didn't mean to, it's just...you know how I can be. When I'm annoyed, it's hard for me NOT to say it. And I haven't said it for a few weeks. So it came out mean. Gah. I'm ridiculous.

Oh well. Less than a week!

*Put that in your quotables list this year.

but oh oh those summer nights

Winter is back with a vengeance. My feet are like ice. !

Joey had his bonfire last night. /Played Halo directly underneath my bedroom, so I couldn't get to sleep. Except for the fact that I fell asleep at like, 10. Whatchever.

I'm loving having a cell phone. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

One more week of school and then we're OUT. Ha, I love it. 275 school days left until I've graduated. Hell yes.

I think I'm going to research some tattoos. I've been experimenting with different designs, and I'm wondering how they'll be costwise. I'm going to try to convince my gma to pay for it on my birthday. How kickass would that be?

I finally feel like I'm not a loser friend wise, so that's nice. Love wise is still not so great, but who cares? Well, I care, but does it matter at the moment?

I actually feel a little bit like doing some homework..and it's not 8 on Sunday night! Astounding.

Finals are a bitch, though. AP Multiple Choice exams suck. As does all of Chemistry. But I'm going to do the extra credit stuff, and maybe my grade will stay afloat even AFTER the final. Maybe. And trig...well, we'll see when we get there. Public Safety and Spanish should be breezes though, and I only have to study a little bit for APUSH. Nice.

Rambling's fun. I want to see Atonement, dammit! And the Golden Compass. AH!

summer lovin'.

so it's not actually summer. But it sure as hell feels like it! Ah, I love it. I wore a short sleeve T today. AHHH! I forgot what my arms felt like without layers of clothing all on me. It was nice. Though I still love the cold. So there, Kelsie.


I've been listening to rap music. I love it. Ha, I'm such a nerd.

I should study for the multiple tests I have. Or bake muffins. Or...whatever. Ha, I don't care.

Mm. There's not really much to post.

Gonna go type up stuff for Writer's Workshop. Nice.

my weekend

was eventful.

Saturday morning I finished most of my Christmas shopping (two more gifts!), then later that day I went to Katie's for her sleepover. It was...different. Mostly richer, Christian girls (who all went to the same church). But I'm fine just listening most of the time, so it was okay. Katie's house is awesome. She has a foosball table AND a Wii. It was amazingly good fun. But then we woke up this morning and I ate this nasty egg/sausage casserole and I almost threw up. Ew.

Then, today, we went to McDonough to go shopping for the Angel Tree kids. I think I did okay. I had a bit of fun, so that's good.

And now I'm just waiting for the towels to dry so I can get in the shower and maybe study.

so pretty much

today's been a good day.

Finished my paper.
Organized Gracie's notebook.
Read a poem.
Used my cell phone (HA!)
Rescued a friend's bag.

Now all I have to do tomorrow is
Skip Writer's Workshop to go to the Beta meeting.
Read chapter 8 and study it.
Tell Barnes I won't be in class at all on Friday.
Memorize "O Captain! My Captain!"
Study for my Spanish test.
Finish the poster/print out the paper for my Trig project.
Study for my Trig test.
Bake cupcakes for Chili Cookoff.

And then Friday I just need to
Sell popcorn.
Sell tickets.
Man a pep rally.
Go to a meeting after school.
Study chapters 1-8, quizzes and tests.
Study Renaissance and Romantic American writers.
Study more Trig.


It helps when I write it all down. Be prepared for a list on Saturday about my goings on next week.

los clubes

son malos. No me gustan porque todos necesitan dinero, dinero que no tengo. AY!

In other news: I'm in love with Peter Pan, the live action version from 2003. Que fantastico!

I was going to start my math project, but my dad was on the computer, and now I have lost the will to do so.

I can tell the difference between red and white corn chips, because I'm THAT amazing.

I love to make a fool of myself. What else is new?

I asked a gay guy to the prom. He told me he'd think about it. Ew.

It's December! Yay!

"my homies"

We did end up hanging out, which was cool. Mostly all we did was go book hunting and watch television, and I had to work on the bookshelf a little bit, but I love my friends.

I'm already excited about our Potter Party! Gah, I wish we could have a billion of those. But that would take too much time, you're right.
"That's not all that's new this year."
*Snicker*


But the bookshelf is finished, and I am amazed that we fit all of our movies on it. I gotta respect my parents, though. That shelf is made to hold 300 movies. It's 30 movies short of full.

Like, DAMN.

I've been pretty much dragging ass today. I think I might just go finish my book, then watch Shrek 3 (because Chance was sweet enough to rent it for me).

Peace, yo.

>>And a Happy Thanksgiving to you all<<

la casa

So this house was built incredibly weird. In the kitchen leading out to the garden room, there's a window, because the garden room was added on. It was a really ugly window, too.

One day, as I was stacking movies on top of eachother on our old bookshelves, I thought a thought. "If we take out those windows, we could build a bookshelf." And so I told my dad about it, and we talked about it.

One night in September, I said, "Hey, we should work on it over the break." So my dad got up and tore the windeows out. Easy as pie.
Unfortunately, we haven't had the money to actually build the shelf. So it's just been this big hole.

But yesterday...ah! Yesterday we could afford it! So we went to Lowe's and bought most of the wood, some stain, and some screws. I stained them last night (very poorly, I might add), and this morning we got up...

and now we're halfway towards a decent movie shelf! I'm excited. The only reason we couldn't finish is because we were short a board of wood, so we had to go back up to Lowe's today and buy that last piece. We have to wait a day, though, for the stain to dry, so we can't work on it until tom0rrow.

And then, when it's finished, I get to put up all of the movies. Alphabettically! I'm excited. (I really am).
Hopefully, though, I won't be doing it tomorrow, because I'll be hanging with my homies.

Ah!

ay dios mio

I'm sick. Ew. I'm gonna take some Nyquil and pass out in a minute.

Student teacher basketball game was fun. Students lost. What a shocker.

Got to see Kelsie. That was pretty awesome. I love my friends.

I got a perfect score on the GHSGT writing part. It's surprising that not everybody did.

I learned how to make popcorn today. I've decided that I hate popcorn.

We were told we're going to write a sequel to Peter Pan in Writer's Workshop. I've never actually seen Peter Pan.

It's really cold. May be why I'm sick.

I'm excited! It's the week off. Woot!

i love

to dance. There is nothing in this world more satisfying than a body moving, spazztastic dance.
Other than a nice hot shower.
And a tank full of gas.
And a good day's work.
And staying up all night reading a book because you just can't bear to put it down.
And waking up the next morning and rereading it for the hell of it.
And realizing that you're hated and you don't actually care.
And listening to Bridge over Troubled Water.
And finishing homework before 9 so I can watch House.
Oh wait! I should probably get to that..

i'm trying to think

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=4906814&version=5&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=3.2.1

about what I was doing at 11:30 yesterday morning. Was I eating? Sleeping? Cooking? Helping my dad with the brakes? Does it matter if I was discovering the cure for cancer if White's dead?

That's five. Tory, Christian, Brooke, Shika, and now Joe.

I just want to hide under a rock.

I didn't always like Joe, but he always made us laugh. Last year he would make lunch a lot less boring. He was rude, lactose intolerant, loved to say fuck, loyal to his friends, very smart, and a good guy overall.

This one is the closest one yet. The other four I knew, but I never really associated with. But I definitely hung out with Joe.

Beatlemania

About 40 years too late. Oh well.

This

is ridiculous. Ugh. Idiots.
"But when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out?"

I got 3 shirts at Kmart for $10. And they look nice, too. Score.

My dad's Jeep is LAME.

I was supposed to go to to the nursing home, but I had to back out. Gah.

I just need a new book to read. Something good. I can't wait until Christmas.

que the f

Okay. So it comes as no surprise that I've always been fortunate enough to have good grades. So fortunate, in fact, that I've been comforted by the fact that if I just chose not to do something, I'd still be good.


NOT ANYMORE!

Now, if you don't turn your work in, you get SILENT LUNCH. What are we, in the fourth grade? But no, if you don't turn it in or get a zero on something, you have to go to silent lunch until you DO finish your work. And the teachers have to grade it and give you up to a 50 on it. That's just ridiculous.

I haven't really felt the burn, since I've always done my work. But I decided that I didn't really want to do that Spanish homeowork, because we did the exact same thing last year, and wouldn't it be awesome if I just skipped Spanish all together? But then I woke up in the morning and realized, "Hey. You'll be stuck in silent lunch for this." So I did it. Angrily, I might add.

The school has just gotten incredibly ridiculous. I would go to DHS if it weren't for the fact that every other week someone brings a hit list to school. I'm not in the district for WHS. Mr. Crappy Principal Guy is just such an asshat.
Keep to the right of the halls.
No congregating in the hallways or you'll get a referral.
If you break the dress code you will be sent to OSS.
Boys not wearing a belt will be forced to wear a yellow string around their pants.
You cannot have any demonic face paint (i.e., ghosts, vampires) for Halloween.
No hats on Hat Day.
If you want a dance, you just gotta abide by a few rules. And by a few, I mean 106.
Let me just tell you that I am Oh So Proud of you guys. Wait, what was that name again?



Oy with the bullshit already!

GHP

I MADE IT!

I was going around saying I did a bad job at my interview. I THOUGHT I did a bad job at my interview. Apparently.

I'm excited that I made it to state. But it took me a while to get there. I thought for sure Gracie or Meaghen would get it. And Kelsie, now that I know she didn't make it either. I just don't understand it.

I haven't actually been able to talk about this part, because I'm always around this girl. But I cannot believe that Sarah was pissed at me. She was crying because she didn't make it. And she wouldn't talk to the people that did make it. What a bitch. She even said when she got out of her interview, "Well, that's shit." I mean, if I hadn't gotten it, I would have been fine with it. I was 100% shocked. I was just excited about getting free cookies. Honestly. Nobody seems to understand that. But Sarah? Sarah acted like it wouldn't effect her, then started crying over it.

Whatever. I'm over other people's anger issues.

*Hey, Kelsie, if you see Sra Chinn, could you tell her I made it please? See you tomorrow!

100 things revisited

I was looking through some old posts and thought, Man, I've only changed a little bit. So I'll just post about it. 100 things style.

1. Empire Records is my favorite movie, simply for the line "Don't get your fingerprints on them, you're going to wreck them. That's why they call them records."
2. I like E.E. Cummings because he confuses the hell out of me but it's all so sweet.
3. I watch a kid's show called Hip Hop Harry in the mornings. And I wish I could join the Hip Hop Harry Dance Circle.
4. I like to dance, even though I'm not good at it.
5. I say I'm not good at a lot of things, even things that I'm decent at.
6. I don't even know why I do that.
7. I miss Kelsie horribly.
8. I forgot Kirstie's middle name.
9. I dreamt one night I *ahemed* with that one guy.
10. When I was two or three, I was dancing on my parents' bed, and a lamp with no shade fell onto my arm.
11. I can't feel anything where that burn mark still is.
12. I have another burn mark from chemistry last year, and I'm very proud of it.
13. I think I would miss my cyst if I ever got rid of it.
14. My favorite book is NOT Gone With The Wind. I actually haven't read that book in years. My favorite book is Pants on Fire by Meg Cabot because it leaves a lot to the imagination.
15. I always thought S. Morgenstern was real and I hated William Goldman for his stupid little additions (which, even now that I know the truth, are ridiculous. Way to ruin the suspense, there).
16. I think I bombed my interview, but at the same time I'm hoping I didn't actually and by some miracle I make it to State.
17. I've applied for 8 jobs. Haven't heard back from any of them.
18. I look up Moulin Rouge songs on Youtube.
19. In the fourth grade, on our way to Tybee Island, Kieya let me listen to her MP3 player with her, and we listened to the same song for about 2 hours. I didn't notice it until I said, "Is Advanced for Press some kind of rap group?"
20. I really only like a few Pink Floyd songs. "Wish you Were Here" is my favorite.
21. I love to write, but I can never think of anything good enough.
22. I don't go back and reread anything I write until I'm forced to.
23. I really like green, but since it was my mom's, friend's, and brother's favorite color, I said I liked red instead. But now it's my favorite color.
24. I've thought I was dead three times in my life.
25. I used to hurt myself.
26. I got over it.
27. I used to write bad poetry.
28. I didn't get over it. But now I don't willfully write poetry, so there's a difference.
29. I haven't drinken at all this year (excluding New Year's).
30. Around St. Patrick's day, I went to my brother's apartment, and I would have gotten drunk if my dad hadn't made me promise not to drink beforehand.
31. To this day, I have never tasted Rum. Nor do I ever desire to.
32. I almost tried pot once, but chickened out.
33. My dad thinks I sneak out of the house and have rabbit sex. I've never even held a guy's hand.
34. I truly love my teachers, because all of them are looking out for me.
35. I try not to lord it over anybody, but I love being number 2 in the class.
36. I'll be crushed if I'm not valedictorian.
37. I'll be crushed if I don't get into Brown or Duke. Or worse, if I get in but can't get a scholarship to go there.
38. I haven't actually researched these colleges (or any college really).
39. They sound good enough.
40. I sing when I wash the dishes.
41. When I'm really excited, I jump up and down and squeal and wave my hands around.
42. I do that when I'm scared, too.
43. And paranoid.
44. Lately, I've either been really really angry or really really happy.
45. I hate being that extreme, but I can't help it.
46. I have a horrible way of dealing with anger.
47. I sit in my room under a blanket and think about other things. Occasionally, I think back to what's making me angry. When whatever that is doesn't make me want to cry in anger, and I'm all numbed out, I can face whatever it is.
48. I told the GHP interiewer that I hated the Golden Compass. I liked parts of it, though.
49. I think I will fail at life because I live in this make believe world.
50. It's stupid that even though I realize this, I'm not going to change it.
51. Nothing truly horrible has ever happened to me (that I remember).
52. Sometimes I dream about what it'd be like if I were paralyzed.
53. Once I had a dream I was dead and talking to my aunt.
54. I truly lament the fact that I only have two blood relatives outside of my nuclear family.
55. I feel awkward telling my friends I love them, because they never say it to me.
56. In the seventh grade, I went to kiss Kelsie and Chynna on the cheeks, and they got freaked out. Now I just don't bother with anything.
57. I am sick to death of talking about Harry Potter.
58. Especially since the ending of the seventh one was so incredibly cheesy.
59. I got into an argument with someone because I'm areligious.
60. Then I got into another argument with someone because I believe in God.
61. Sometimes I feel like Chris D. doesn't even like me.
62. I've only asked two guys out. They both said no.
63. I once told my parents that I was going to Gracie's, and I went to the park and laid on the grass.
64. I watched Striptease when I was 9 years old with Kirstie and Katie R.
65. I would get to school at 7:30 even if I didn't have a zero period.
66. I hate it that some of the people in Writer's Workshop can't write.
67. I get embarrassed when I'm complimented and turn beet red.
68. If I read the book first then watch the movie, I hate the movie.
69. If I watch the movie first then read the book, I think that they're both good (or bad).
70. I can't stand my glasses.
71. Sometimes it creeps up on me that I'm probably going to go blind and I get panicked.
72. I can drive at night, but it really hurts me eyes and I'm scared the entire time.
73. I can't even read things unless I'm looking at them straight on.
74. I begrudge everyone else their eyesight.
75. I always paint my toenails and then forget to ever take them off.
76. I have a girl crush on Liv Tyler.
77. That once scene in Armegeddon where Ben Affleck proposes to her just melts my heart.
78. I would love to be a writer, but I don't think it will happen, which make me sad that we don't live in a world where we can be who we want to be.
79. I don't know if I'd be a good mother.
80. I love little kids. I love anyone under 10. Then I get nervous when I'm around them.
81. At the Trunk or Treat thing, I was in front of a moon bounce thing, and I had to help little kids take their shoes off. They were so adorable.
82. Sometimes I think about just randomly being a waitress, because then maybe I'd get over my fear of talking to strangers.
83. I haven't seen Granny in over a year.
84. I feel guilty because I wish she would die and be out of her misery.
85. She was the one who loved me, too.
86. Singing saves me.
87. My dad says I can't even sing that well.
88. I know some people get jealous of me because of my grades, and I know they'd be shocked if I told them how I wish we could trade lives and I could not be so...me.
89. I hated Laura's Halloween party, though getting to see Laura was cool.
90. I think maybe I'll try to see her some other time.
91. I feel blessed with my family, but I know we don't love eachother like we should.
92. What I mean to say is, I know they don't feel blessed.
93. I'm not supporting my mom's I haven't smoked campaign, because I know she's lying.
94. I used to think it would make a difference if I did support her. It didn't.
95. I was proud when the lady carded me at Blockbuster when I went to rent an R rated movie.
96. I don't understand the phrase "You want to have your cake and eat it too." What's so wrong with having a cake and eating it? Better than wasting it.
97. I used to hate pickles on anything. Now I ask for extra pickles (no onions).
98. I love Papa Dan, even though I don't think he loves me.
99. I think I'm the type of person who loves so much they can't function around people they don't love.
100. I want to go to Italy, New York, Hawaii, France, Australia, and Montana: in that order.

i wanna hold your hand

I know I've posted about this before. I was just thinking about that post earlier. About how it's okay to hold a child's hand, but not a friend's. Not a stranger's. Yes, a lover's. A husband's. Not a teacher's. Not a classmate who needs help.

I was thinking about that earlier. I know someone who is going through such a hard time right now. But I am terrible with these kinds of things. I always say the wrong thing, and so most of the time I just sit in silence, waiting for them to ask for help that I am more than ready to give. But they don't ask. Eventually, they pull themselves together. Or they don't. Either way, they don't need you.

I just wanted to reach out and hold his hand.

sleeping

has become difficult for me. It's now 3 in the morning. What is wrong with me?

I mean, I WAS asleep. I fell asleep at 8:30 with the lights on and my jeans and a quilt. And I kept doing that thing where you keep waking up because you're hot/lights are in your eyes, but you're too lazy to do anything about it. So about an hour ago, I actually DID do something about it, and now I keep thinking about my crap GHP interview.

Sleeping for me this week has not been good. I think I might just take some Nyquil and try to pass out, even though I'm waking up in three hours. But three hours is better than..now.

Maybe I'll just hold off on that Nyquil until tomorrow night, because I for definite need to sleep more than six hours.

island in the sun

Aha! Alas! I have found what truly makes me happy!

Singing.

Too bad I can't do it very well. Sure, better than others, but still.


Agh. Trying to break out of this funk. Somebody OD'd last weekend, and even though he's okay, he's not really. It wasn't accidental. Puts things in perspective. Sure, I'm not really all too happy right now, but I surely don't want to die. I haven't lived enough to do that yet. Which, incidentally, is probably why I'm depressed in the first place.

Ah. Okay. So in truth, I have been battling with this for a while. Feels good to get that out there, I guess. Stretches all the way back to the 7th grade. Ha! Crazy. I used to feel important telling people the extent of it, like I mattered. But I didn't really. I was just another statistic. It's ridiculous. That's what I like about this blog, though. I can go back and realize how bad it's gotten and how these little spells end. Even though it seems like they're coming more and more often, that's not true, because they're still the same speed as they usually are. Some people might call that bipolar, I guess, but I'm not going to diagnose myself with a disease I don't have.

I'm sure this makes little sense.

Last night I dreamt about the night I told my friends. They just went, "Okay," and we didn't talk about it again, haven't talked about it since. And it was this big thing for me. Just goes to show I blow stuff out of proportion. But we all knew that.

November soon. I think I like summer more. It's pretty cold in here.

hmph

So other than getting to see my friends (and I mean that in the actual sense of the word, not "hey we're at the same party let's be friends" way) this was a crap weekend.

And now today I'm going to be doing my crap chemistry work.

Crap.

normal?

I don't like parties. But I'm going to one tonight where I will only know a handful of people and I will only like a few of them.

I didn't like parties last year, either. Which is why I got in a car accident to avoid it. Just kidding. Kinda.

I'm going to wear my cowboy hat and call myself Annie Oakley, even though I know she wore dresses.

kaby

Okay, Kelsie, honestly? That was probably the most fun I've had in a long time. I'm not gonna lie.

And, okay, the whole time we were wishing you were up there with us. But that kinda woulda defeated the whole point of going to see you in a pageant. Which, by the way, you should have won. It's a conspiracy, a conspiracy I tell you! Besides, both of your dresses were absolutely fabulous.

But I do wish you were sitting up there with us. It was so much fun. I've never thought I had an affinity for drama, but I really loved the role playing thing, and I loved seeing everybody else's reactions to it. We have GOT to do that sometime.

And of course, I love your family. I didn't even get a chance to feel awkward, being around people who aren't my family. Adam was adorable, as always, Maggie was...Maggie. Katie was like a little mini-you. James kept going around trying to shock me, but my shirt deflected him. Your grandparents are awesome, and they remind me of my grandparents (which always makes me a little sad). And of course your parents are fantastic, not caring that me and Gracie were making asses out of ourselves. I clapped really hard and did a little hollering when the Lady lady was telling us to appreciate the parents.

Kelsie, your family > awesome.

water

I've never thought about it before.
And now I'm so ashamed of that fact.
I spent all that time under the shower, just thinking, enjoying how it felt, not realizing that in a few months, we'd be bone dry. We wouldn't be showering. Restaurants wouldn't be serving water. Neighbors would be turning one another in for illegal water use, happy in their limited capacity to make others suffer. Fines, extensive fines would be issued to those who let a drop of water slip. People would be using plastic more and more to avoid washing dishes, washing clothes less and using Febreeze more.

This is insane. I remember reading that this would happen when I was about 14, but the numbers seemed so far away. Not far enough, I guess. Not nearly far enough.

How can they not have seen this coming? We elect these people because we trust them. I feel like I've been fooled, tricked.

con. fi. dance.

The other day, I completely lost all confidence in my writing. All of it.
I wrote a short story. I felt pretty good about it. Gave it to my teacher. She wants to enter it into competitions. I let my dad read it. He thought it was crap. Joey read it. He thought is was crap. Chance read it. He didn't understand it.
So now I'm second guessing myself. Is that the right word? Should I really use that rhyme scheme? Not that I'm very good at writing poetry in the first place, but I'm looking at all of my writing with a much more critical eye.
The thing is, I've never thought I was a good writer. Ever. I feel like my writing is amature, and it never goes anywhere because people don't give you honest, helpful feedback. Whenever anybody tells me I've written something good, I don't actually believe them. I guess I've always expected someone to come along and tell me to give it up, I can never be a writer, quit trying. And I think that that's pretty much what these people just did.
And this is just...how I feel.

coming home

So I'll start with the good stuff, because that'll take up less space. Gracie won as Homecoming princess! The Junior class float won the parade competition! An actually cool girl won Queen! Que bueno!

Okay. So that was the good stuff.

I had to be driven to school Friday because I knew I wasn't going to be able to get home at night (since I can't see to drive). At the end of the day, the pep rally started, and I was stuck taking tickets at the door, where some of my friends tried to bribe me to get in. I said no, but it made me sad. I snuck in though, and watched the football players play musical chairs, which, okay, was hilarious. Then I had to clean up the pep rally. Then it all began.
Since I was stuck at school, I offered to help Gant and Paine. I figured I'd just have to cut something out or whatever. They dragged me out to the field and moved 80 chairs. Then I had to go and drag columns to the field, and P was freaking out because one was missing. They drove me to the church where the parade started, and I had to give out sashes to the homecoming princesses. Ew. Gracie's mom drove me BACK to the school, and then they put me in charge of helping the photographer. Minutes before the game started, the lady asked me to drag her heavy camera crap to her car. No big deal, since she was nice. She offered to buy me food, but I wasn't hungry, even after not having eaten since 11. Got down to the field (which was packed) and had to walk back up to the school to get the phantom column, which was in the basement all along. I had left my stuff in Gant's room, so after I brought the column down, I went up to the school to get my bag. I had thought my parents were coming, but they didn't (big surprise there...they were both "really tired" and then ended up staying awake until 2), so I dragged me stuff back to the field to ask Gracie's mom if I could put it in her car. She let me, but her car was parked NEXT TO THE FRONT ENTRANCE OF THE SCHOOL. But then, when I got back, I was done. I got to see Gracie get crowned, and me and Kelsie screeched like girls.

Then Saturday morning we were told to report to the school to clean up the hall decorations. No big deal, okay, because I like most of the people on student council. I got there and NOBODY was up there. I had to find a band person to call Gant and wake her up to get to the school. And even then, it was only the three of us...again. Cleaning up four hallways. Ugh. I really had had about enough of them, and I figured they felt the same way, so I went off to the junior hall and cleaned it by myself, but we inevitably ended up cleaning the senior hall together. Ew.

And then I came home and I was a bitch to Gracie.
It's not that I was angry. I really wasn't. I could understand why she didn't come. She was tired. And I figured it was just punishment for not helping with the float or finishing the hallway last week. But I think I became angry. More mean. I barely said a word because I was tired and she just kept asking me over and over if I was mad, and I kept saying no. Then I became mad. Self-fulfilled prophecy, I guess.

I've been getting angry at the drop of a hat lately. Ever since Thursday happened. Asshole. Ugh. And it sucks, because when I get angry, my face gets splotchy and I start crying. Not like, boo-hoo crying, but hot tears of frustration. I've felt that way often since Thursday.



Okay. So that's homecoming. Thank God it's over.

homecoming

Last year, as a wannabe student council member, I thought homecoming was so cool. Dress-up days were fun, the halls looked awesome (and I didn't have to be there the whole time), the banner was...well, our banner sucked, but I still thought it was vaguely nice. No, I didn't go to the game, because one, football is lame, and two, I would have been mobbed. And no, we didn't have a pep rally, because the first pep rally where a fight broke out and people got trampled cancelled all of the rest of them for that year.

Homecoming is lame.

I was supposed to be there all last weekend to decorate the school. I got sick on Sunday though, so I didn't go, but still. The one day was certainly enough. And our hallway looks lame anyway (though it looks a hell of a lot better than the freshmen hallway). Our banner is awesome thanks to the help of Alexis and Dalton (and several other people). But I still hated every minute of it. Every minute of the people coming to ME for answers, ME, the secretary, not Gracie, the VP or Andre, the president. And everyone not doing anything they should have been doing. And now, walking around school, I look at these people all dressed up and I think they're lame. I have no enthusiasm for this.

And I'm being forced to go to the game. Ew. I'm hoping I can find a way out of helping with the parade, but I wouldn't be on it. Ew again.

Pep rallies aren't really that bad. Basically I just stood there and tried to keep the sports people behind the line last time. And I really do like school spirit sometimes. I get caught up in it. I'm like the wood-sawyer in Tale of Two Cities. I get caught up in whatever I'm in, then change my mind about it later.

So those are my thoughts on homecoming.

waiting

I've been waiting for something spectacular to happen to me. I built up the post to end all posts, and I've been hesitant to write about something less than fantastic. But I've also been terrified. How can I put myself out there with something so wonderful? Will it be good enough?

That's the thing, though. I'm always waiting for something spectacular to happen. Waiting for my life to begin. And I'm terrified that it will. And that it won't. I'm content. Not particularly happy, granted, but content. I can sit in my room and let those four walls protect me from everything. I can dream, I can imagine, I can think. I can have nightmares, as I lately have been.

I've got less than a year, I figure. I need to know. At least guess. What am I going to be? Writing is the kind of field that's hard to get into. Some people get you, but most don't. Teaching would be okay, I suppose, but in today's world, where shootings happen regularly, would that be wise?


I've never even had a job. My life is my school. And I hate it. But that's what it is, because since before I can remember, I've been terrified to break away from what I know. The night before my birthday, I made a list. I won't repeat it here, because I've pretty much said everything. Just the fact that I am...me. And I want to be a different me.

Now, granted, some days I'll be brave. "You only have one life to live." "Live this day as if it were your last." And I'll ask someone out (and invariably get rejected). Or I'll apply for a job. But the disappointment comes, and I come back into my shell.

That's my goal. My life needs to change.

sweet dreams

When I was little, maybe about 6 or 7, I would have these amazing, incredible dreams, dreams I knew that at the age of 6 or 7 I shouldn't be getting, but still held significance to me. They were dreams where I was deeply in love, somehow in the future. There was always some song playing, popular in the day. And I always felt this sense that I had lost this love. And everytime I heard that song afterwards, it would physically hurt. Eventually, though, the songs went out of fashion, and I'd think about the dreams less and less. But today one of the songs came on the radio, and the wind was knocked out of me. And I realized that one of those dreams had come true. No, I haven't been deeply in love. But I think that I might have missed that chance. And no, I can't tell the future. But I clearly remember the feelings I had in that particular dream, and I know that I felt that way towards someone. And I missed it. I know I've missed it.

And that is just wrong.


Speaking of things that are wrong...my next post will be my 500th. Now, I'm not sure if I think I've posted more than 500 or less than 500. All I know is that 500 doesn't seem accurate. But be prepared. Because it will be fabulous.

poetry

is bad. I realized this when I was reading other people's poetry today. They were pretty much all about death and souls and hearts and suicide, except for the one chick's whose were all about sex.

And they were all so...melodramatic.

Now, I write stuff in this blog from time to time (often, actually) about me being sad, because that's who I am. I don't write bad poetry about it, though. Not anymore, at least. You know why I don't do that anymore? Because I realized that they were LAME. Nobody wants to read about "The wind pulls my soul in the direction of Hell, and my pants come with it." Okay, not really.

Bad poetry just ruins my appetite, you know?

nightmares

I have been having these horrible dreams lately. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I am afraid to go back to sleep. Not only that, but I've always been a little bit paranoid. I'll run through dark rooms (or won't walk through them at all), or I'll walk backwards out of a room. But these dreams make me afraid to even LEAVE my room. I think it might be the heat, because it has been exceptionally hot around here. Or maybe it's because I've had this sense of dread over me for a while, and it's starting to catch up.

Ugh.

I made up a word for my synthesis essay which I didn't realize I had made up. And it made me laugh...a lot. That, and the fact that I realized I used the word epidermis, and I kept saying in my head, "Your epidermis is showing," and I couldn't stop laughing. I think people mistook that for me being too proud. Which I guess I was. I've never thought my writing was any good, and I thought for sure I'd gotten a 3 or a 2. Imagine the overwhelming surprise I felt when I saw I got a 7! AND she called me the best in the class. It makes me a little sad, though, that this is what makes me happy. She's the teacher I had to ask not to call me Hill. It's not that I mind nicknames. I really don't. Come up with a different one, that's fine. But that one has a personal attachment to it, one that I don't take very lightly.

I have gone way off topic. And I slightly feel like I'm going to cry (though why, God knows). So, bye for now.

fiesta!

What can I say? That I love the people that showed up? That I'm disappointed more didn't? I honestly though only three people would show up, so I guess I was surprised. I invited 30. About 7 came. So there's that. Honestly though, I think I would have been nervous if some of the louder and more entertaining guests would have come. But I am still slightly disappointed, more from wounded vanity than anything else.

I did, however, love the people who came. I learned Katie is a truly wonderful person who can do a hell of a back flip. I learned Chris and Jackie are very take-charge types, and when my parents were running late because of car problems, they started the grill and cooked all of the food. I learned that Sarah thought we were all rubes, and by the end of the day her mind changed. That, and you know, I got $90, an AIRzooka, two kickass movies, and a Red Bull. Not to mention all the food my parents bought, anticipating the biggest party of the year.

Then we played the newer version of Life, which is pretty awesome. I guess my view is skewed, though, since I got the best job ever. And won. Then we woke up and there was delicious food. Yum.

And now I have to read the chapters for APUSH. I actually read the chapter that we're most likely to have a quiz over, and now I'm "taking a break" (read: not getting back to it until the night before the next quiz) because I realized that we won't have anything over those other chapters. So I'm an evil procrastinator who has to write thank you cards, get a sponsorship, write a short story, and...something else. I can't remember what, though.

When all I wanna do is watch Mulan. :)

none

I really love having these weeks off. At first, I think I hated it. Now I have no idea why that would be. Probably because I've gotten used to the fact that after six weeks of fascist dictatorship (a.k.a. school), I can have one week all to myself. And I LOVE it. My grandmother said I only like the week off because it's my birthday, but that's not true, because I actually like having my birthday during school more, because somehow you get more stuff (and I am a selfish being, I freely admit).

So Sunday I went up to Peachtree City, where I shopped with my grandmother and ate delicious food until Wednesday (the greatest day ever). That day, she took me to a florist, because I had told her that I just wanted to go inside and smell the flowers. We walked in...no flower smell! I almost walked out, but my grandma went right up to the lady and said, "This is just the weirdest thing but my granddaughter wanted to smell your flowers," and the lady just took it in and then let me go to the back freezer. Now, I love the cold. And I love the smell of flowers. So when I walked into that freezer, it was like heaven. I walked around to the different flowers, smelling them all. It was really just, wonderful. Then we left, but not before my grandma had bought me the sweetest smelling rose I think I've ever gotten.

Then she took me home. That night, we went to La Hacienda, and they did shove a sombrero on my head, sing to me and Spanish, and give me free sopapilla. My parents wanted to make the most out of it, though, so they told them it was Chance's birthday too, which kinda sucked, since he had already, you know, HAD his own special little party. But whatever.

Then yesterday I went with Chris D. and Gracie to the mall to get heavenly Icees, then to see Superbad (because a. I heard it was hilarious and b. it was R-rated). I got lost about a million times, took several illegal turns, but I think we made it okay. Then I had to drop Chris off at a freaking dentist appointment (which I TOLD him he was going to be late for). Then I came home.

Now on the agenda: calling people to see if they're coming to my party (so I can buy the right amount of food), cleaning the house (I was going to clean the yard, but it's RAINING), calling my uncle, reading history, and vacuuming. It's pretty much going to be superLAME.

See what happens when I don't really post for a week?

today

is my birthday. One year closer to legality! WOot.

I'm about to go to La Hacienda, the Mexican restaurant where they sing happy birthday to you in Spanish, shove a big sombrero on your head, and give you free sopapilla on your birthday.

I'm sooo excited.

ode to booger

12 years ago, when a baby was brought home from the hospital, I thought I was getting a sister. I was incredibly disappointed it was a boy, but obviously, I grew out of that. We've shared a few birthdays (after that first one was overshadowed by him), but we grew out of that too. Over the years he's changed from an adorable, blond, curly-headed child to a taller-than-me, foul-mouthed (aren't we all?), funny, sensitive little man. I love him so much (even though the majority of the time he bugs the bejeesus out of me) and I hurt when he's hurting (even if I'm the one who caused it).

This is for Booger. Happy Birthday, my buddy.

el dia

School: crap crap crap, sleep, more crap, blah-di-dah.
After school: prom committee. Actually fun. People actually care and the sponsors aren't berating you and making you feel stupid all the time. Nice.
Drive Gracie home. Had the option of wating at the long light or waiting for a train to pass. I said, "If I wait at the light, the train's going to end, and if I wait for the train, the light's going to change." I decided to wait for the train, and the second I turned, the train ended. I was like, woah ho high five.
Get home.
Roll up windows (ten minutes!)
Wash dishes.
Take shower.
Math homework.
English homework.
English homework.
English homework.
At 11:30, I finished. Then I tried to go to sleep, which didn't work. You're thinking, that's not a whole lot of time to fall asleep. Well, it is for me. So I watched some recorded Top Chef. Lame. Then I decided to get online. And I'm still wide awake.

Ugh.

le party

Okay, so as I see it, I pretty much have two options for my birthday party, since we're kind of strapped for cash this year.

1) We could have a big cook-out at Clark Park. Friends and family could come, my ridiculous friends could provide hours of entertainment by trying to play on the kiddie toys. Maybe I can convince some of them to bring their instruments or whatever and jam out. No worries about my house being crashed, can blame the lack of entertainment on the fact that it's at a community park. Downside: Money. In addition to paying for the food, we'd have to rent the pavillion for however much that is. Ew.

2) We could have a big cook-out at my house. We have a freaking enormous yard, and there would be no problems with everyone fitting or anything. My friends could still bring instruments or whatever. Plenty of room for soccer or baseball or what have you. Could even invite the neighbors. Downside: I'd have to clean up the yard all that week, and the house. Chance's friends might show up. There's really not much to do at my house, since I'm not particularly imaginative (but then again, I guess there's not much to do at the park).

I am conflicted. I have no idea what would be better. Opinions?

troubled water

I really hate the society we live in. There is soo much wrong with it. The school system, and the archaic belief that if you really want to learn and be in college, then you must want to be a leader in the student council or help people in the Beta club. Not just because you actually enjoy learning.

Or how a 12 year old kid can tell a woman as old as his mother to "suck his dick." Or threaten to pull a gun on someone else just for looking at them the wrong way. Graffiti over a traffic sign.

Or how the mother of the threatened makes it out of control, and goes ballistic.

I just despise it, and I'm close to swearing off children.

simon and garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

he

When he's feeling particularly stressed, or when he thinks about things too much, he reverts. Not entirely, of course. He reverts back to his pre-teen years.
He wants to play Neopets.
He wants to lock the door to his bedroom.
He wants people to be surprised that it's locked, but no one ever tries it out.
He cries, even when he doesn't mean to.
He wants to snort in derision everytime someone makes a comment.
He sends subtle signals of distress, but he is ashamed when finally, finally, they're heard.
He wants to go through all of this because he knows that eventually, he overcame it. Only it came back. And he thinks this is the only way, to be shamed into taking the world off of his shoulders.

But it's not true at all. You move on, no matter how hard it is. Situations change, and because of that, reactions change. Even though he is scared he can't make it through, he will. Because he's done it before. And this time, he can do it on his own.


(Happy September!)

marriage

would be incredibly strange.

I don't think I'd be able to last the span of an engagement. Or, rather, I think it'd be disappointing to wait and wait and wait to be married, knowing that it's going to happen but not doing it, and then have the Big Day arrive and it be less than you thought it would. Wouldn't it be romantic (yes, I said romantic) if you just woke up one day, knew that you wanted to be married, and said, "Hey, let's get married." I think that would be wonderful. And I don't understand why women don't take their husbands' last names. I mean, I understand the reason, sure. But I don't see why anyway. "I don't want to lose my identity." That's not what it's about. It's more about melding and devotion.

I don't know. Maybe it's because (shocker) I've never been married. Or "in love." And maybe my belief on the subject will make it difficult (if not impossible) for this to ever happen.

But it'd work in a novel, now, wouldn't it?

DeaTH

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Not in a weird, suicidal way. In the natural way that people should be curious.

There are so many theories about what happens after we die. Are we reborn? Do we ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven? Do we descend to the Kingdom of Hell? Are we, like the Jehovah's Witnesses believe, picked out of a line and doomed to spend the rest of eternity in our graves (which, I would think, would lead to the tombstone-being-you thing I was talking about). But there are more, so many more.

I don't know if I mentioned the book I read a while ago, called Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin (you should definitely check it out). It proposes that once we die, we take a journey to another place where we become younger each year until we become babies again, and are shipped back to Earth. I don't actually like that theory at all. De-age? You become younger, but each year, your wiser. It goes against the natural order.

There's also The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom, which basically says that when you die, you meet five people in heaven that impacted your life in ways you never understood. YOU understand why for everything you every wanted to know.

Then there's the whole matter of vampires: dying, but still living. I like the idea of vampires, I think, but I really hate the idea that they actually live. I don't know if that makes sense.

But in this past little while, where I've actually hurt people because of what I believe, and die hard Christians like my father and (though she hasn't said it) probably my best friend actually believe I am going to hell, I've come up with my own ideas. It's basically a mix of a lot of ideas. But, I think, when we die, our souls go to a place where everything is explained to you. You can look down on those you love. But really, it's like the life flashing before your eyes bit. You see it all in an instant. Then your soul move on.

So that's my intense thought of the day.

history

I read something in my history book last night about a man who translated the Bible to an Algonquian language. And I thought about it a little bit. A man would have to know the Bible pretty intimately to be able to translate it. He would have to care. And that's the kind of faith I think most people should aim to have.

did i seriously

write "It inspires me?" Okay, shoot me now. No, seriously. I won't even move. Apparently, having a cold enables me to write incredibly cliche lines. So, there's that. Even though it does. Inspire me, that is.

Now I have to go start on "makeup" work, that I got a day early. Woot.

to sleep

last night, I read a book. Not really a long book. It normally takes me about 30 minutes to read it. Jinx, by Margaret Wild. It's a wonderful book, and it always makes me laugh and cry, even in the short span it takes to read it. It's written in these short spurts, like the author could only think of a little bit about a little person a little bit at a time. Even through my sleepy and congested state, I love that book. It inspires me.

when I'm sick

I always hallucinate SOMETHING. Yeah, that sounds weird. What I mean is, when I'm not feeling up to scratch, I get these weird, convoluted dreams. Sometimes they scare me. Sometimes they make me laugh. But most of the time, they're good ideas.

Last night I had a dream about a graveyard. Okay, that sounds frightening. BUT, it wasn't. People kept coming up to this one tombstone, one after the other, over a period of months, talking to it. You know. "I graduated college." "I'm getting married." "You'd be so proud of me." And there was always a voice that replied, but the people went on talking, like they didn't hear it. When I woke up, I realized that it was the tombstone. Or rather, it was the dead person's tombstone. A whole story popped into my head. We are what our gravemarkers are. Some people, obviously, are lost. But people fortunate (or not so fortunate) get to commune through their graves. And that's how they keep up with people. How they watch over earth. And it almost made me cry.

So that's my idea of the day.

Winter

is really my favorite season. I was thinking about that earlier, because my nose is all clogged up. I think staying in Kelsie's dusty basement gave me a sinus infection. Gah.

Anyway. Normally, I'm stuffy like this when it's cold out. And my mom's like, premeno, so the house is FREEZING. I just stood up once to go get more tissue, and I thought about how I like feeling sick when it's cold. I like EVERYTHING when it's cold. Because there's always a way to make something better. You can always find a way to get warm, and at least one of your problems is solved. If you just got robbed, and it's cold, grab a blanket, it won't seem so bad. Bloody nose? A jacket my help put things in perspective.

I think it's the Nyquil talking. Crazy Nyquil. Sure, it'll make me spout crazy things, but it won't enable me to finish my homework, including but not limited to a Chem lab that didn't finish, a Socratic Seminar on The Scarlet Letter, and reading Chapter Two in my APUSH book. Oh yeah. Thanks bunches, Nyquil.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do

My mom sent me these, and I thought they were hilarious:

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

holding hands

is just such an incredibly simple, wonderful act. Hands tell so much about a person. How hard they work, where they write their notes, who they love, what jewelry they wear, and what they're like sometimes. Earlier this morning, I held Adam's little hand. Even though it was lost in the desert of my own, it fit. He kept it there for the five minutes that we just sat there. Even when he moved, he made sure he didn't let go of my hand. He actually made sure that they didn't separate. I don't think anybody's ever held my hand like that. Like they had no thoughts of letting it go, and like it was the most natural thing in the world. Every time I've held someone's hand, they've always waited to let it go. I've always waited to let it go. But with a little child who is barely four years old, I was amazed that he didn't think that way. When do we get to where it's not okay to touch other people? When do we get to the point where it is?

le promise

Before summer ending last year, we three made a promise that we would see eachother at least once a week. And we did. When school started back, we were worried that wouldn't work. So far, though, it has. Last night I spent the night at Kelsie's. Her aunt is incredibly kind, and her family really loves one another. It's fantastic.

That, and I got to watch The Day After Tomorrow. "Oh no! It's the cold! Aghh!" Seriously wonderful dialogue, ha. And Adam kept going around hitting people's butts, so finally I turned around and yelled, "Quit smacking my booty!" I don't think he'd ever hear those two key words, and he kept repeating the phrase over and over until 'booty' became 'boobies.' He seemed to think it was hilarious though. What a little sweetheart. He couldn't find Kelsie, who was hiding, and we said that maybe she went to school. We told him he had to go get her, and he said he couldn't. "Why?" me and Katie asked him. "Because I don't have my keys or my driver's license." Honestly. How adorable is that?

psyched

about prom. Okay, we haven't actually done anything. We haven't picked a place. But me and G have pretty much guaranteed spots, so we KNOW we're going. And today, as I was looking for a place to maybe have it, Joe suggested the Fabulous Fox. And it's wonderful, of course. The cost is a lot, but there is supposedly a discount for proms. And then I looked at some dresses. And then some limos. Because that's how I roll, of course.

Spongebob: "Why are you mad, Patrick?"
Patrick: "Because I can't see my forehead."

holy conquistador!

I think my teacher thinks that I'm stalking him now. Or in love with him. Probably both. But it's not my fault. Today he decided to dress like a 16th century explorer. And it was awesome. I don't know why I'm reacting the way I am. But it was just....cool. I LOVED it. I kept looking up at him and giggling. I couldn't help it. And I HAD to high-five him at the end of class. Because I'm sure secretly I've always harbored the desire to high-five a 16th century explorer.

And then, when me and Gracie left the SC meeting (at 5 freaking o clock) and went to her locker, he left his classroom, and I saw him, and I jumped up and squealed. Seriously. And he waved at that, and then I waved super enthusiastically back. Then I made Gracie walk faster so I could stalk him to his car. But I guess I missed him.

Today was fantastic.

spice girls

So when me and Kirstie were kids, we were ALWAYS characters from movies we'd seen. We constantly fought over who got to be Tina from The Mask, because she was like, our idol. And then, out of nowhere, the Spice Girls came out. And. We. Loved. Them. I, of course, was Baby Spice, aka Emma Bunton. She? Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham (whose maiden name I don't remember). Every time she came over, we'd sing into the radio, and sometimes we'd dress up and mom and Jackie would videotape us. And Spice World came out. And we watched that all the time.

The reason I'm writing about this?
Joey downloaded the Spice Girls CDs. And I'm in love all over again. I wish we could burn them so I could listen to them all the time, but as it is I'm perfectly content to just sit at the computer and listen, though I can't dance like I wish I could.

Ah. I figured this post would be a nice change from my recent incredibly depressing posts.


**You may wonder why I'm posting every day. In Writer's Workshop, we're supposed to keep a journal. I've tried keeping a penned journal before, and it didn't work for me. I think too fast for that. So I think I'll either print these out or ask her to check the whole blog out. Which is kinda personal. But I promise, I won't be writing for anybody else anymore. I'm done with pleasing people for the sake of pleasing people, trust me.

i just realized what i'm doing

I've been getting home and not doing my homework. But still thinking about my homework. And I end up eating tons of food, and drinking sodas, and reading books, and watching television. I'm stressing. I'm depressing. I need to calm down. But it's hard for me to do that, when I'm cycled up like this.

And all that seems to help is working. Yesterday when I was cleaning, I thought about how peaceful it was. Especially when no one else was around, or when it wasn't like, a commanded chore. I'm starting to get reckless with my driving again. Because I've gotten to the point where I don't care. Even today, that's what Gracie said to me. "You look like you just don't care." And it's like all day, I was walking around in a fog. And I'm still not out of it. I don't know when I will be.

I should go do my work before The Closer comes on.

But I probably won't. I'll probably end up staying up to finish it.

Because I can't help it anymore.

hey big spender

So I don't know if I mentioned the mom probably losing her job, thing, but we're supposed to be cutting back. My family's never been one for family meals, although we do sit down for the occasional spaghetti dinner. But that's always been about it. Other than that, our dad's bought individual meals for us all. Tomato soup for me, french bread pizza for my mom, so on and so on. Mis padres have never really been good at feeding us as a unit. And they need to, because if they're really going to stick to this no eating out rule, they're going to have to get more than two or three meals per person, and start making family meals.

That, and I have horrible spending habits myself. I feel guilty spending the money, but later on, I'm glad I did, because I get to read/watch a new movie/ have new clothes. Now, okay, that makes me sound shallow. But I only do the grab-and-buy thing at places like Goodwill or Dollar General. Mostly. And I need to stop that, too.

It's just...when things got really bad before, we didn't make life changes. I mean, we moved, but it was just next door. We just stayed in even more (ha!). But now...there's going to be some huge changes, mostly (and hopefully) for my mom.

Goodbye Lucky Charms, hello Marshmallow Flakes.

**Speaking of which, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a really really good movie. I suggest you check it out. Robert Downey Jr. Mmmm.

I don't think God likes cars

Today was interesting. Since my mom's probably losing her job, we're not allowed to eat out or anything anymore. So we were sitting there, and I personally was waiting to go to Kelsie's for the candle party, when Joey called and said he got into a wreck. Apparently, some woman tried to pull out in front of him, even though he had the right-of-way. Ridiculous. I didn't actually want to go to Kelsie's then, but it was insisted upon. So Jackie took me.

The party wasn't that bad. Some slightly fun games to play with a group of people who I half knew. Then afterwards, wasn't so bad, just hanging out with Kelsie and her sisters (and her mom, who I love). And Kelsie's grandmother looks a lot like my grandmother used to, before she got sick. It made me a little sad.

And then I came home, and I haven't done anything noteworthy. Except, I did watch the end of this week's Top Chef. I love that show. But nobody got kicked off. Lame. Did M. Night S. write this twist, because it was weak.

I really think Kelsie's the lasting point and mine and G's friendship. Me, I'm just happy being with who I'm with. Being with my friends. But it's like G just wants so much more. Not exactly a social climber, but she thinks that just because her life's not like a movie, with dozens of boyfriends and the losing-the-virginity-after-prom thing, that it should be. I don't think like that. If I go to prom, I'll probably go with a friend. And I'll be fine with that. But she won't. And that's where Kelsie comes in. She was content to just hang with us, so when G was off doing her little social climbing thing, I'd have someone to laugh with. But now I'm alone. At least, that's what it feels like the majority of the time. It's pretty lonely.

Of course, I'm one of those people that adamantly resist change, and I also think I see things that aren't there (or maybe, it's just that I see things that others don't). I don't know.

I do, know, however, that all those years that I've never had raspberries? I was sorely missing out.

Go Kelsie.

so today

Would not be a day that I would define as good. Not because of school, but because of the extenuating circumstances.

I was on my way to school, and I turned left across from the elementary school, and all the sudden, I noticed my car wasn't accelerating. So I pulled over right there, because it was a nice patch of grass and I wasn't going to get very far anyway, even though it was right under a No Parking sign. Gay.

So I sat there and I turned off the radio (which yes, still worked), and started trying to crank the car. It wouldn't go. I do this about 10 other times, kicking the gas pedal to get it to work and basically freaking out. The last time I did it, there was a kind of crunchy sound. So I stopped, and I got out, intending to walk to a place nearby and call Joey at home, since I have no cell phone. When I got out, though, a friend who's in my Zero Period with me saw me and stopped (which NOBODY else had done, thus far. I hate people sometimes). She let me use her cell phone to call Joey, who was pissed that I woke him up, but what else was I supposed to do? My parents wouldn't have been at work, and plus, he was closest, so he could actually do something about it.

But she took me to school, and I waited outside with the keys for Joey to get into the car, and that's the last I heard of it. When I passed by on the way home (I got a ride from another friend), it wasn't there, so I'm assuming Joey called somebody and got it towed, or it got towed for being in a No Parking zone. Which is gay. And I can't drive Le Buick yet.

When we get to school, I see black crows standing on a lamp post. If I were in a bad novel, this would probably be the point where I'd be like, "Something really really bad is going to happen to this chick." And later on, I hear Charlie's been in some accident and he's in a sling and whatnot, which is scary.

Ugh.

(and yes, I posted this exact same thing on Myspace. But this is a more reliable record).

Yesterday

was soo much fun.

We celebrated K's birthday pretty awesomely. We did the best thing we could think of.

We saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

"But Hillary, haven't you already seen that movie?"

Yes. Yes I have. But this time, I laughed at parts I didn't laugh at before. I got angrier. I got sadder. I felt victory and loss when I saw the people who died in the last books. But I laughed when I shouldn't have laughed some times, causing the person in front of me who was blinding me with her cell phone screen to turn around and look at ME (yeah, way to go there, blinding-cell-phone-lady) and Gracie to be like what the heck are you doing?
But seriously. "Give me the prophecy or you get to watch your friends die." *balancing scales gesture* Friends...prophecy...friends...prophecy. And I still love when HP gets all possessed like, because he's evil (and I laughed then, too, because it shows Voldy's head in a hoodie and jeans). When I get that movie, that's going to be the part I watch over and over again.

Anyway. Then we went back to the clubhouse and went swimming (since we had already gone before the movie and eaten lunch, then to Barnes and Noble to look at "bargain" books, then to the movie). The pool was warm, and once we got wrinkly, we got out and stayed out for probably an hour (because it was honestly cooler outside than in). Then we came back to my house, where we watched the Potter Puppet Pals theater stuff (which was hilarious, and I had been singing it all day).
And then me and dad got our butts kicked at Spades.

Ah. Not being around both friends all the time makes me forget how wonderful it is when we're all together, just talking.

Now that her birthday's over...
time to start planning mine. Muhuhahaha!

so i'm not one for poetry

I'm really not. If I'm reading poetry that rhymes, I miss the meaning, because I'm so caught up on the rhymes most of the time. When I'm listening to music, most of the lyrics don't really stand out. I sing them and sing them until I get them if they sound good, but other than that, if you ask me what a song is about, I generally can't even tell you.

But I love, love, love E.E. Cummings. Just the way he writes. The crazy stuff that I can't understand? Not so much. But the way he divides words is like putting a puzzle together, and makes you really pay attention to the words. And he loves (or loved) so deeply, you can tell.

i love you much(most beautiful darling_
more than anyone on eath and i
like you better than everything in the sky
--sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life)the true time of year--
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearerness)everyone certainly would(my
most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love


I love the way he loves.
It's just...I don't say this enough, but I truly do love everyone (well, almost everyone) in my life. And when I read these poems, I realize what else I'm missing.

Here's another little poem to leave you with, because I'm just in the mood for goodness (and long posts, apparently):

i am a little church (no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
--i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a mircale of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope, and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church (far from the frantic
world with its rapture and aguish)at peace with nature
--i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring, i life my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness).




Alright then. I think that's enough of a mind explosion for now.

School

It seems like so long since I last sat and wrote for this blog. Battles have been fought, wars have been waged, tests have been given.

Ah. This school year is shaping up to be pretty horrible. They administration has decided to implement their own, made up rules that all of my friends are rebelling against. They want boys to tuck their shirts into their pants. And the boys refuse. Or they find ways around it. Like putting their hands in their pants, too. Or wearing hoodies (which you wouldn't think admin would mind, because it's about two degrees inside even though it's 100 outside, but they got onto people today. Losers). It frustrates me on both sides. On the one hand, the only reason this rule is even being carried out is because it makes it seem like admin is doing something in response to the shooting last June. But it's really doing nothing, because if someone wants to bring weapons to school, they might not tuck it into their wastebands. Shocker, I know. And my friends make me angry, because by them rebelling, it's causing admin to take out time out of, I don't know, improving the school, to write up people breaking the made up rules.

And I think it's all arbitrary, and it shouldn't even be a rule. We should just get metal detectors and get it over with. And there are the people that think admin did this just to mess with us, but I know that that can't be true. He did it to look good. Although, his rules this week have seemed a little...oppressive? You must stay to the right when walking down the hallways, get in the least crowded lunch line, enter through this way, exit through that way, no crossing this crosshall, only five minutes between classes (with no warning bells), no hugging people for five minutes (which I don't think they really mean...I think they mean something entirely opposite than hugging, they just don't want to say it).

My classes are okay so far, except for trig. The teacher is an evil spawn who has hairy arms and doesn't wear shoes in class. She'll say stuff super fast, then ask if we got it (and she only listens to the one guy in front, who doesn't really get it, who's just agreeing with her to get her to shut up, so the rest of us are completely lost). They don't believe me that last year's teacher was actually better than this teacher, because even though W sucked, she at least gave concrete examples that we could take home and reference, even if they were sometimes wrong. They were better than nothing, which is what we get now.

I can't understand two of my teachers. But I like most of them. And next week I start writer's workshop, so that should be fun. Yesterday was Kelsie's birthday, and her mom called me and Gracie over with a bunch of family to give her a surprise party. It was pretty fun. Kelsie's cousins chased us (mainly James, aka Voldemort) around. It was really cool, and I didn't want to leave, because I missed Kelsie. I hate that she's going to a new school. But I'm also jealous because it's a hella better school.

So that's been my week. It's taken me this long because I've had homework and have been going to bed at 9 every night. Ugh.

Pleasant beings.

Yoot

So I finished my project a few hours ago. Then I got my stuff together for tomorrow and watched The Day After Tomorrow with Chance and Dad. I love that movie. Seriously? The cold? The best enemy ever. They should've gotten the MTV movie award for that.

But yeah, it's been nothing but work work work. Last night, I was stressing sooo incredibly bad. I had to take a sleeping pill at 2 in the morning just so I could get to sleep, because my mind was so wired..."I have to do this, I can do that, What if I don't do this?" Just, agh! I have relatively few concerns about tomorrow other than how I'm going to park with a car that's not registered, but I'll figure that one out. We did go to the pool earlier. It was fun until Chance started being a silly head. Ew.

And I was supposed to go shopping with the family today for school supplies and whatnot, but I had to stay home and finish my project (which was a good choice, since I started when they left and got finished a little while after they got home). They brought back Partner's Pizza, and it was all good.

I'm almost glad I waited this long to do my work. I haven't even been able to stress about just going to school. I've been hung up on preparing for it.

And now, thanks to all the intense writing I've done these past few days, the callous on my right hand ring finger is hella big and it hurts. I'm going to have to sleep with a band-aid on, I think.


Well, wish me luck. Have fun with...whatever you're doing tomorrow.

Whew

Monday: Helped Standiford move her stuff outta the school. Had pizza, talked to Ms. Mitchell (who told me about the OTHER novel that I have to read for Creative Writing). Went to Standi's house, her pool, came home with her old coffee maker. Nice.

Tuesday: Whitewater. My dad busted his knee and I had my period, so I wasn't really grooving it and we went home early. Chance stayed with Bee, though, so that was cool.

Wednesday: Student Council Meeting. Decorated the display cases and discussed more than t-shirts. Came home and watched Judging Amy.

Thursday (Today): Went to Open House. As per discussion on Wed., had to wear white shirt and black pants. Why? Because SC trolled the school the whole time, asking people if they needed help finding stuff and answering weird questions. My feet have blisters, I trolled that school so hard. But, during that time, I got my schedule and met most of my teachers. AP English teacher didn't seem surprised that I hadn't done my work. But Spanish III teacher decided to talk to me in Spanish. Who'da thunk, right? Gracie's schedule was totally messed up. So many conflicts! I feel sorry for her. And they didn't put down that I had Creative Writing, so I talked to Ms. Mitchell about that and she said she'd sort it out. That's actually the only thing I'm looking forward to.

I. Am. So. Tired.

And I still have to hang out with my mom, because it's her birthday and all.

Woot.

God

That was a wee bit mean.

But at least I got a suntan, so thanks.

okay God

I know it was wrong. And I shouldn't have done it.

But seriously? A week long period? What's that gonna solve?

But okay, I know, you work in mysterious ways.

So I'm going to ask you really, really nicely, to pretty pretty pretty please make this stop before I go to Whitewater tomorrow. Because that would be very very nice of you. And we all know what a nice guy you are. This could be a serious blot on your record, Mr. Man.

Sorry, a little disrespectful. That's my problem, I joke when I should be serious. Like now.

Okay, so again, God, Our Father Who Art In Heaven, Lord...please, make this go away, because I have been looking forward to this since the beginning of summer (even though I've complained about it to various people...I don't know why, that's just my way. And plus, it will be a little lame, having to watch my 8-year old cousin the entire time. But I'm more than willing to put up with that, as you should well know).


I've said my piece.


Thank you,

Hillary M.

chili pie

Today was fun...as fun as it could be, I suppose. Went back to WHS to finish up my damn volunteer hours (BOO-YAH!) with Kelsie and Gracie. Laura showed up some time in there and we got to hang out. We really didn't do much at all. Mostly sat around and waited for them to give us stuff to do while we played card games or whatever. And this time they fed us Sonic's, and got us chili pies, tater tots, and chocolate milkshakes. It was great. And after that...we pretty much talked. It was very nice.

Then me and Gracie left, and since when Kelsie had left earlier she had forgotten something, we drove by her house where we saw her cute little brothers. Adorable. Until Adam started screaming.

It was just...nice, to hang out with these people probably all together for the last time until after school starts back. Ugh.

And my dad won't let me rearrange my room until after I've done my summer work. And I have to rearrange my room before school starts or I'm going to fail. So...agh.

2 more hours

Ugh. I freaking hate busy work. And that's all they give you when you show up to school to "volunteer." You put pamphlets together. Ew.

Thankfully, I've only got two more hours more to volunteer. *Woot!*

Today was fun though. I got to hang out with friends and see the new school. And it was nice. Although I really don't think an elevator is necessary. Hmm.

Then me and Dad took Chance swimming (and I freaking got Swimmer's Ear the first time I went under because Chance pushed me in, loserface), so now my ears hurt.

I've reasoned that it's my parents fault that I haven't done my summer work yet. They've always left it up to me to get my work done. Never have they asked if I've done all of my homework (unless I use it as an excuse to not do something, which doesn't count anyway). And even if they did decide to punish me in some way, they wouldn't enforce it, because they're lazy like that. They know the biggest punishment would be to me, because I'd mess up my GPA, and they're okay with that.

Ew.

More later.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

was freaking awesome. I loved it. I've read the end a billion times already, starting from Snape's chapter. I LOVED it. I just snuck into Chance's room to read the last little bit, because it is so spectacular. If JK makes another book, I want her to explain los padres de Harry's childhood, because that little taste just made me want more.

And...I totally knew it. All these big mysteries? I had them. Before I read them in Kelsie's book, I had them. Which, on one hand, was totally satisfying, but on the other, kinda made everything anticlimactic. But still...wow.

Ah. If you've finished it, you have GOT to tell me, because I need to talk to someone (other than you, K, because we talked for an hour!)! So get to it, yous lazybones.

I should call Laura tomorrow...

magic marker

Today was interesting. It actually started yesterday, Chris's birthday, when he took me to see Transformers (which was awesome). He started talking to his mom, which swung me an invitation to go see them today when Chris was out there. So that was pretty cool. Right after Chris called this morning and said he was on his way to pick me up, Kelsie called and asked if I would like to spend the night tonight and get HP7, which I had to decline, since I would be in Newnan probably.

So me and Chris drove up to Peachtree City, an hour outside of Newnan, and ate pizza with le grandmother, then drove to Newnan and hung out with his mom, stepdad, Kirstie, Joe, Savannah, and William. It was pretty fun. We swam and watched Top Model and ate cubed steak. Then at about 10, me and Chris left for home. Except, instead of going the backways that take about 2 hours to get home by, he took the expressway and drove like a demon, so I got home at 11. Since I was indeed home in time to go to Kelsie's and the book thing, I bribed Joey into taking me to her house, then her dad took us three to Kroger to get HP7 (except I didn't get it, since we'd already planned on Chris getting it, reading it by tomorrow afternoon, and passing it on to me). And while we were there, Kelsie kinda forgot about the sleepover part she mentioned earlier. She was pretty much counting on staying up and reading HP. So I asked Mr. D to take me home so his daughter wouldn't murder me in the course of the night.

And earlier, when I was at Kirstie's, I got the two books back that I loaned her years ago that she always forgot to bring back. So I read Jinx, waiting to get online and knowing that it was a fairly short book, being written in prose.

And I've pretty much snapped at Joey, Chance, and my mother because I've been up for waaaay too long and in a car for most of that time. I should apologize, but...sleep just sounds so much better.

Until then, I am NOT getting back online until I've read HP7. No spoilers from evil beings on Myspace, Yahoo, Blogger, or IMDb, the only websites I frequent.

Adios, muchachos.

pain

Yesterday me, G, and K volunteered at the school, putting together the emergency plans and bags. We had to bend out heads a lot and there was a lot of moving just the arms. So today I woke up with my neck cramped and my arm killing me. Agh.

Last night I swore to myself that today I would do my reading work. I would read the book, do the work that goes with it, and finish my other book's work. And I sat down. And I opened the book. And it took me an hour and a half to read the first two chapters and do the assignment. So since that didn't work, I decided to just read straight on through and do my work later, even though she advised against it. Something is better than nothing anyway, so whatever. So I layed down and tried to read....until I fell asleep. Until 3:30. So I gave up and hung out with my family, who were all home since my mom had a Dr.'s appt. Fun. Then I made ChefBoyardee pizza and burnt the crust because I'm a horrible cook as it turns out. I used to think I'd love to be a chef, but past events have led me to believe that that would just not be a good idea.

And now I'm trying to convince Joey to take me with him to see Chris's house, since it's his birthday tomorrow and he's going to bring Chris the cheesecake ANYWAY. I mean, HELLO? Who holds a cheesecake better than me? Nobody, that's who. And Chris is saying that if he's in town, he'll pick up HP7 as long as he gets to read it first, which I wouldn't mind since he reads pretty fast. So yeah.

That's about it. Here's hoping that tomorrow's reading quest is more successful than today's.

()()()()()()()()

^Easter eggs. Anyway.

So today, in a fit of frenzy, I caught up on my Spanish journal. I'm fairly certain that the only grade I'll be getting is for completion because of all of the mistakes that I know I'm making, but whatever. At least I'll get that. I also called the elementary, middle, and high school to see if I could volunteer. Only the high school said yes, which sucks because I was kinda hoping the middle school would so we could see some old teachers. But no biggy.

I've GOT to ask Mrs. Bice to make sure that I'm in the right science class. If I get my schedule in two weeks and it says that I'm in Biology still, I'll kill someone. Which reminds me: I still have to return the Bio book and wkbk I got. But whatever.

There's nothing to eat here that you don't have to cook. So I tried to make corncakes. I heated up the skillet and sprayed Pam. Mistake number one. I should have used butter. I started to mix up the cornbread mix and once I got that together, I looked over at the skillet and saw that the Pam had burnt to the skillet. Ay. So I thought, "It'll still work because when I put water on it it instantly evaporated." So I put a little pancake portion on there. Mistake number two. It immediately started smoking. But I said to myself, "Maybe that's normal." So I kept it on there. Number three. Then I put another one on there. They both burnt to a crisp. So since that was a bust, I decided to use the batter and turn it into muffins. Technically, cupcakes, since I put cupcake holders in there for easy cleanup later. Mistake number four. I also decided to make some chocolate muffins with it. Which ended up tasting like corn. And the corn muffins? They wouldn't come out of the cupcake holders. So I had to scoop out the insides to get any corn muffiny goodness.

Damn you IHOP. Why can't you just sell me some damn corn cakes anymore!

oh man

I'm starting to feel it. That feeling I get towards the end of the summer where I realize that I haven't done what I NEED to do, haven't completed my summer work or gone school shopping or volunteered for Beta. It started a little while ago when Bawo called me and basically made me feel like a retard for not doing my work. So now I've got this anxiety fever. Like, "Okay Hillary, you are DEFINATELY pushing it. You need to get this done." And every day I don't do it (and trust me, it probably really won't get done until a day or two before school), I'll feel even worse. My gut is wrenching. My head is hurting. Heart pounding.

And I realize that I love it.

;)

harry potter 5

**Okay. I'm about to talk about HP5. I don't think I actually give anything away. It's mostly opinions. But you might not want to read it. Fair warning.

My dad went and bought the tickets this morning, which was very lucky, seeing as how when we got there, the line to get in the theater went AROUND the building. Actually, we weren't standing in line too long, which was nice. Chris made some friends, theorizing about the awkward romance scenes in the other movies. I saw some people I knew. Pretty cool.

So I just got back from seeing HP5. And...it was an excellent movie! I LOVED it. Yeah, they changed a LOT. They left out some of my favorite parts. Which makes it a bad interpretation of the book, I'm sorry to say. But since the first one, I've pretty much expected nothing but horrible book-movies but wonderful movie-movies. The special effects were AMAZING, I thought. These new characters? Luna, Bellatrix, Umbridge? They were all exactly how I imagined them. Even better (or worse, in the case of Bellatrix and Umbridge, which is a very good thing).

They left a lot out. Like I realized when I watched the third movie the other day with my dad, who'd never read the book, they really don't explain a whole hell of a lot. You might be able to piece it together if you hadn't read the book, but it'd be a lot easier. Outside the theater they were selling little HP books and trinkets. Wonderful idea.

They also changed it from the other movies. Like the dementors. And the head in the fire thing. ALL letters talking instead of just the angry ones. I actually liked these changes. And the little scenes where Harry was having his nightmares and he kept grunting...what was that all about? They intentionally made this movie dark and scary. For a second, I really was legitimately terrified. Very fun.

And the best part is that I went to see it with my brother, who loves to theorize about what will happen in the next book. I can't help it: I'm a nerd. I can't wait for the book, now. Only...let's see, 10 days or so! That's amazing. I've never thought of it like that. Ha! Can't wait!

Okay. Nerd over and out.

mallrats

Went to the mall today with Kelsie and Gracie. I don't often go to the mall, but when I go with people I like, I always have a good time. On the way there, I put in a Simon and Garfunkel CD and not only did I sing to the music, but I also acted it out. Every word. It was AWESOME. I had so much fun. Then we just went around. I bought Kelsie something for her birthday. Then I bought some nice smelling spray (it's in my room, and I don't remember what it was called, I just know it was nice and fruitylicious). We looked at the prom dresses that were on sale. I think the best place that had them was JC Penny's, but as with most stores in the mall, they didn't have my size. Which sucked, because there were some pretty stores. We also looked in Macy's (too expensive..not a sale at all) and Sears (like, three dresses. Horrible.). I hate mall prices.

I think the highlight was when I had an Icee. I LOOOOOVE Icees. They are truly the nectar of the gods, and that's no lie.

At one point I decided I wanted to go down the escalator, then up, then back down. G&K decided that I was crazy on the trip back up, so they didn't come back down, but I didn't go back up. I looked around some stores (Nubian Books, AfroCentro, and a place with a lot of wigs. And FYE, of course), then decided to call Kelsie's cell because I was bored. I LOOOVE escalators. Elevators? Not so much. Especially that little loser one.

4 more days!

yep

So it's totally already July 5. How crazy is that? I almost didn't realize when it was July Eve. That would've been bad. I've got my little rituals, you know.

I just ate some hot dogs. Pretty gross. But I loved them while I was eating them, so...yep.

Saw the fireworks. Wonderful. As always. Lucy was cute. Except when her dad let her drive the golf cart. Running into bushes is not cute. Especially not after about 8 times.

I'm so excited about Harry Potter. I hope we get to go Tuesday night. How awesome will that be? Ah, I just want to get on the phone and talk to Gracie and Kelsie and finalize these gosh darn plans! It's frustrating, not knowing. And then there's the book. Oh. My. Goodness. I cannot wait. Who's going to die? They say it's two people. TWO. That's double what there's been in the other books. Think about that one. Ahh, I can't wait.

Okay, I'm inducing mania upon myself. I should stop now.

:)