hmm

So yesterday I went to his viewing and saw him sitting there, dead, with his 24-year sobriety chip in his hands. I was with my grandmother and I met the people who, technically, are my aunts and uncle. They seemed nice enough, but they had their own family dynamic. I didn't fit into that.

Today I went back down there with mom, dad, and Chance. I don't know why I did it, since I went yesterday. I guess I was curious to see what this man was like. And I found out.

He was a fantastic AA sponsor. No matter what, if somebody called him and needed help, he'd give it to them, anytime. The child his daughter adopted was his favorite grandchild (which kinda cut). Apparently, we're the bad people because we didn't know him, but the lady who said that said that his friends and his real family truly loved him.

I'm angry. I'm jealous. I'm sad. Mostly, though, I'm just...I guess empty would be the thing. I don't feel as sad as I should, and that's why I'm sad. I felt horrible, sitting there while his wife was sobbing and me not feeling a thing.

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I really appreciated them.

Until next time.

so

....he died.

my moods

Yeah. I read that last post. I'm slightly whiny. Oh well.

It happens.

My mood has greatly bettered, though, since today was fairly decent and I only made a few people mad. I like pictures. It's fun, editing pictures and sharing them with others. It's fun to show people what I can do.

If anybody know how to put pictures on my blog, I'd be more than obliged. I've already got some on my myspace (link to the right).

Okay then.

I'm not even going to pretend to do homework. This is my version of time off. I'll do it in the morning.

with friends like these...

So I feel like I've never been shit on by my friends more than today. I try to offer help and I not only get rejected, I get to feel like I'm just trying to feel better than them. I feel like nobody actually wants me to do anything, that whatever I do screws everybody else up and that it would just be better if I wasn't involved. If I get a good grade, I feel bad, and when I get bad grades, I feel like I'm going to cry because I can't stand it when I don't understand something.

AGGGHHHH!!!!

And people look like they're drowning, but they just slap me down when I offer to help them. That's just what I hate. I could analyze it and think about why, but I won't.

AP is getting on my nerves, because it seems like he's giving us a chapter every two days to read, which is pretty difficult, seeing as how a chapter takes me about 2 or 3 hours.

I'm just frustrated. I need a break.

PTW

Pass The Word.

That was our slogan at the 70th annual Georgia Beta Club Convention, where all the schools in Georgia travel to the Hyatt in Atlanta (a very nice hotel with a cool little adjoining mall right next to it).

And there were meetings. And we did our skit (I totally rocked out my lightbulbs). The next day there were more meetings. And we found out that our candidate for GA Vice-President won. And the sexy southern guy was president (which actually disappointed my group, because most people wanted the sexy British guy).

This one guy (he was some kind of an alumni, I forget exactly what he did) went up there and gave this amazing speech. It made me cry, some parts of it were just so heartbreaking. And then it made me laugh. Whatever he did, it's no wonder he got far.

Ah, it was a lot of fun. I got all dressed up pretty for the Hawaiin dance, went in for about 20 minutes, and the realized that I'm not really a "dance" type of girl. I don't really like large crowds of people in a dark cramped room with bad rap music playing. Not my thing. So my and Rebeccah left early and went back to the room, where I danced around by myself and Rebeccah laughed. Gracie and Kelsie stayed, though, and they seemed to have fun.

Then I got home, and my dad decided to cook out, even though it's freezing AND raining outside. But it was yummy, and I'm just happy to be home (even though I've been doing my homework ever since I ate)!


*Special thanks to all my homeys (and by homeys I mean everybody that let me borrow a cell phone and/or told me what time it was and/or kicked me in the sleep. I mean, all except for that last bit *ahem*).

gone beta clubbing

ha. If only that were half as much fun as it sounds...

Not that I'm not superpsyched.

Just sad...

BECAUSE I WILL MISS MY BLOGGIE!!!!

I will miss the little visits we used to pay to all the other bloggies in the neighborhood.

I will miss taking my bloggie to QuoteCare.

I hope my bloggie will be okay for a few days without me. I mean, I left enough food for a few days, at least...

Make sure my bloggie gets fed, won't you?


*ha.

i'm glad

I do have the friends and family that I have. They made me see the humor in today's events when I was so angry I was on the verge of tears (shutup...that's just what I do).

I'm not even going to post about how long it took for them to interview me at science fair. It was a big deal at the time because that's just what it was: I thought they weren't going to interview me after I'd been there for three hours, and I would have hit someone in the face.

Then there's The Girl.

The Bitch Girl.

Who acts like she doesn't care what other people think.
But you can tell she does by the amount of time she spends trying to be a badass.
She decided not to do her science fair project over the, I don't know, 5 months that we got it and cram it into one night. So she kept pointing out. "I haven't even gone to sleep tonight." "Don't mess with me, I haven't got any sleep."

So here's what happened:

Kaby walking slow.
Bitch Girl PUSHES Kaby out of the way.
Me: "Man Bitch Girl, that was rude."
Bitch Girl: "I don't even care, I've been awake since yesterday morning."
Me: "Yeah, that's no excuse."
BG: "Yeah it is."
Me: "No. It's not our fault you waited until the last minute to do your project."
BG: "You don't want to mess with me Hillary, I haven't slept."
Me: "I think I do want to mess with you."
Gracie wanted to go.
So fight was averted.

Not that I think there would have been a fight. Because Bitch Girl is always saying "You don't want to mess with me," like she'll actually do something. Which she won't, because she's a fucking jackass.

I'm sorry. I swear a lot when I'm angry.

But I got home and told my dad about it, and you know what he said?

"Man, that bitch musta had it coming for you to be mad....How much eyeliner does she wear?"
Which would be funny to you if you knew the context of the conversation, but alas.

I'm tired. I should do my homework...

i wish

that I had someone to talk to about all of this (other than a computer screen).

I can't talk to my mom because she'll blow it out of proportion. My brothers don't care. My dad is touchy about it. I don't want to tell me friends because..I don't even know why. I just want them to ask me, I guess. I don't want to volunteer that information outside of here.

I've called all of my friends like 80 times today.
Nobody asked.


Now I sound whiny. Ugh. Stop me now.

long post. whiny post. run.

So it turns out my grandfather's dying. The one I've met two or three times. Turns out my dad's half-sister called and told my grandmother, who told my dad. So I guess that would make her my aunt. Whom I've never met.

I don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I didn't know him at all, except by reputation: he married my grandma when she was 17 and they had two children by the time she was 19, and he was an abusive alcoholic. So my grandmother left him (or vice versa; I like to think it was her).

And I've seen him a few times throughout the years, like I said. He's sent me two or three birthday cards (with my name mispelled).

You know, I've always felt kinda lonely without an extensive family. My maternal grandmother (and she's not ever really that) was married to this guy, Ed, who had a heart attack when I was 3 or 4. Then she got sick when I was 6, so it's not like I remember her very well. My aunt died when I was 6 months. My other aunt I haven't seen in two years. I never thought she considered herself family, and that just proves it. My paternal grandmother is the only blood. Then Papa Dan, who I love. And Uncle Gibbs and Lucy. But that's it. That and my little family is all I have.

So it kills me with my friends, sometimes. They've got grandmothers and grandfathers, aunts and uncles, cousins. It just...it kills me. I don't know.

And sometimes I think, maybe if I'd had these people, I wouldn't have gone through that depressed patch. I did things then that were (and I hate to sound evangelical) evil to myself. And now I just look back and make fun of it, but I really don't. It really hurts to look back on that.

So should I grieve? And if I grieve, should I grieve for my grandfather? Or should I grieve for the fact that I don't know him?

Ach. The only reason I'm posting this is because I shouldn't be ashamed (even though I am) and I'm forcing myself to.

which one is false?

I say ya'll.

I say ain't.

I know what mudding is.

Relatives have gone hunting.

I read Gone With the Wind.

I want to see We Are Marshall, because so many people I know are supposed to be extras and whatnot.

I know how to shoot a shotgun.

I've done at least three brake jobs.

I like peanut butter and sugar.

?

aha

I'm excited. Really excited. I cannot wait until the Beta Convention next weekend. It will be so awesome. I get to hang with my friends for three whole days. I mean, honestly. How awesome is that? I mean, I wish I could be doing the academic team, but that's over, you know? There's pretty much nothing I can do now. I'll just live with it. I'm doing scrapbooking. And helping to make signs. And passing out the signs. It'll be great.

And yeah, the makeup work I'll have to do will be horrible. But I'll get over that too. Because I'm just going to enjoy this mini three-day weekend where I don't have to work, because the one coming up will be filled with me working my ass off. I have to do science fair, read my English book, do my Spanish project, do my APWH project, study for Public Safety, do Algebra II crap that I don't understand, and go shopping for a bunch of stuff. I hope Kirstie doesn't come down, because I'm going to need every single second of my weekend.

In a weird way, I'm excited about that, too. I like to put stuff off (which is why I have all of this to do), and then, when I actually do it, I have no choice BUT to do it, you know? So I know I can't put it off, so I get INTO it. When I get to work, I mean it. I can be in my rooms for hours. And there is nothing better than getting all of your work done. I mean, really and truly, there isn't. It's like relief mixed with accomplishment. Wondrous.

Okay. I sound like a crazy person.

I'd like that take this moment to shout-out to Kelsie and Gracie, without whoms cellphone's I never could have gone to today's Beta meeting and felt like I was contributing after being in a funk all day long (for a reason I'd rather not disclose).

Alright. Done now. Much love.

me thinks thou dost protest too much

Heh.

Anyway.

My foot's asleep.

Crushing on a guy.
(ha).
Kinda.

Wanting a book.

Wanting not to do work.

Stressing.

Cursing the printer.

Feeding stray dogs (who aren't really strays).

Watching Top Chef.
(hoping Michael wins).

so the answer's got to be love

So I woke up like I would on a regular school day for my silly Defensive Driving Course. I learned a lot, actually. It was boring, though. And looooooooong! The six hours seemed to go on way longer than school. He asked us a weird question, though, at the very beginning, and it was kinda surprising.

He asked us to look at this little diagram of 6 cars: one was you, and the 5 others were people you loved. I marked all of my family (mom, dad, Chance, Joe, and Chris). Then he asked us to kill two people. I picked myself and Joe. He said I was the first person he'd ever heard in his career to pick myself. I thought that was weird. I mean, I assumed that the point was that reckless driving kills (which is why we were there). I just thought, you know, if I had caused an accident, I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer for my mistake. I'd want me to. And I just picked Joe because...well, his was the last letter in the alphabet for my brothers. Then he asked what faith I was. I said none (because I don't think of myself as religious), and he said that that made sense. I don't know. I thought it was weird.

I wish my mom would go to sleep. She's irritating me. She's in one of her drunk moods where she has to clean everything. It makes me feel lazy and incredibly angry all at the same time. Ah, whatever. Just saying.

I can't believe Joe doesn't like Regina Spektor. Blaspheme.

My Last Day on Earth

My teacher in Public Safety made us write a short little essay about what we would do if we were on death row with less than 16 hours to live. What would we eat, who would we see, and what would we DO? I probably came up with the most boring answer, but I don't care, because it IS what I would do, were I in prison on death row.

I would eat steak, hashbrowns, shrimp, scallops, and tacos&rice. I'd make sure all of my family and friends were there to enjoy it with me. I'd have strawberry margaritas and rocky road ice cream. I'd laugh. Then, I'd ask to see a priest, a baptist, and a rabbi. I'd have them explain the Bible to me. I'd ask if God would forgive me. I'd ask for forgiveness, because obviously, if I were on Death Row, I did something bad (or so I'd hope). That's what I would do...on death row.

But what would I do for my last day on earth?

I'd drive. I'd get my friends in the car and drive and drive. I'd convince them to go bungee jumping. Then skydiving. I'd go to Disney World. I'd stop in Savannah for a little bit to eat at Paula Deen's restaurant. Then, I'd probably still ask for the religious mess, because that's just how I think a death should happen. With a teacher of God. Because while I do not believe in Jesus, I still believe there's a God, because if I don't, I feel empty.

One day I woke up and thought about it. If God exists. And a thought, out of nowhere, hit me: What if He didn't? I mean, I've always thought it was a miracle, life. How could it all happen, I always ask myself, if there weren't a God. But it occurred to me that things today can be explained scientifically. So the morning I woke up, I thought: What if God created the universe, made all of these rules to live by and make future life, and then just...disappeared? What if God died after everything? And I started to cry. Because now, even if I say I don't believe it, I know that I've thought it. I know that I lost my faith in God for at least a moment. And I don't know if that can be forgiven.

But I digress.

I guess I don't really know what I'd do if I knew it were my last day to live. Honestly? I'd probably kiss a certain someone. Or more. And, you know, all that stuff from earlier.

What would you do?

HAPPY new year!

LAst night was fun, I guess. I lit my candles, said my prayers, and waited for the ball to drop on TV. It was fine.

But flipping channels, I came across Ace of Cakes.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I WANT one of those cakes. No. I want to MAKE one of those cakes. Imagine having your name on something like that! It's incredible. Too bad they're all the way in stupid Baltimore.

I drank a few glasses of a 2% alcohol that tasted like watermelon, so I was good. It still made my cheeks red. I don't know why any amount of alcohol does that, but I like it. No more of that mess until next year..I mean, until I'm 21. Yes. That's what I meant...

I'm disappointed in a friend, though. I feel like I'm about to give up on them. I can't help it. We're just so different now. I don't know. I feel like I've said this before. So we'll see.

Okay. So I have to do my science fair project in two days. And read chapter 13 in my history book.

I can do it.


Maybe.