rubicand of visage

that's a quote that won't get out of my head. it's just bugging me so much. i will someday murder anybody who says the phrase rubicand of visage and/ or IS rubicand of visage. darn them and their redfaced drunken ways...

speaking of drunk, my eyes have been bloodshot ever since i got home from school. i don't know why. could it be the heroin injections? no. i'm used to those by now... the marijuana? no, again, i'm used to it. it could be because i got coverup makeup in my eye and kept rubbing at it... that's right, i wore a form of makeup. i think kelsie was getting annoyed with me for looking in the mirror. but nobody cares about kelsie, because she can't even pay for her sister's cheap christmas presents. silly idiotic kelsie.

i've been being called hilary duff by the ignorami in my class. it annoys me so. I CAN SING. hilary duff cannot. yes kelsie, she is as wholesome as swiss cheese, but she uses a voice thing to make her sound better. and it doesn't really work, let me tell you.

i will say this, but only because chynna keeps not letting me stab and kill her. there is one person who has abnormally long toes. i mean, they are almost bigger than her thumb. it's insane. but i'm not naming any names cough, cough. cough , no seriously, cough, i'm choking, cough cough, help me!!!

Quotes from October Sky.

"'look, i'm bleeding to death,' i giggled. 'you really are,' Roy Lee said, then started laughing.."

" ' die? ' i perked up. 'who's gonna die?' 'You are, you moron,' O'Dell told me."

my love of air

yes, when you read the title, the old navy commercial comes to mind. but i think about air alot. whenever i am just lying there, watching tv, or even just reading a book, all of the sudden i will think about my breath, and i can't stop thinking about it unless my fish hits the side of the tank again or someone knocks on the door.

i'm wheezing now as i write. i have been having to use my inhaler more and more frequently, so i can breathe so much easier. i swear, when i grow up and have kids, i will always tell them to never take a single breath for granted. and i will never smoke around them, or let anyone smoke around them. if i start smoking, which i really don't see myself doing, then i will never ever smoke around them. i can't even imagine.

nobody understands this obsession with my breathing. i know this is like, my seven thousandth post about it. but i dont understand how people DON'T think about it. i picture myself as an old lady with an oxygen tank, having to have someone carry it around for me because i don't have the strength. i probably won't even be old when this happens. it just hurts to think that i won't be able to breathe through the night as i get older. it's such a priceless thing to lose.

i will also treat my children with the respect they deserve. and i will be a darn good parent. i won't slack with it.

oh God, if only if only i knew i would breathe a little better, i would breathe a little better.

double shots

'ventful two days. bug bombed the house yesterday and today, because yesterday we didn't get them all, so that means all of our belongings have been outside for three nights. we went to grandbee's yesterday and ate and ate and ate and ate. and walked. and ate more. then we went again today, and there was naomi, who really isn't so bad, and her kids, who are cute. WE and aunt kit went to eat partner's pizza (the BEST pizza ever) and i got a good book for a decent price. tomorrow, naomi is coming to visit here, so that should be interesting...

this is weird here: my mom lived one street over from where we live today, right? well, turns out, naomi lived right next door to here. so my mom and naomi knew eachother before dan and grandbee knew eachother (dan is naomi's dad who is my grandmother's boyfriend). so when they grew up, my mom married her dad's girlfriend's son, and they were already lifelong friends. very strange..

*sigh*. i miss kirstie. i haven't seen her in nearly two months. we never do anything, but she's still one of my best friends. i just...miss her. and all of my friends, but not as much, since i'll be seeing them monday. achk.

and i drank a double shot to get me through the day, because i was sooo tired and i am sick now and i better get well soon or i will kill kelsie, who made me sick. silly monkey...

dessert

so apparently, my favorite holdiay of the year, the time when i get to spend time with my cousin and aunt and uncle and grandparents? yeah, that's ruined. because now, the WHOLE FAMILY is gonna be there. and i'm not just talking my cousins, donna and megan, no, i'm talking naomi. naomi and her kids. naomi is my grandmother's boyfriend's daughter, who has defied the family wishes and has been exiled for some time now. when her brother died, she wasn't even told about it until 5 months later, because he didn't want her to know. and i never really liked her, and suddenly she's crashing thanksgiving. grr...and, get this. my aunt euna mae is coming. along with her whole family. this is gonna suck.

i also have to start packing up our stuff, because we will be bug bombing the house tomorrow. there are actually two bugs on the computer screen right now. our house is infested, and my dad refuses to get an exterminator. but hey, maybe we'll finally be rid of the little roach things. although i can't say i won't miss them. they were always so friendly.

anyway, i gots to make my delicious dessert. it is a chocolate trifle, inspired by a pumpkin gingerbread trifle i saw on the food network that looked so yummy. i want to replicate that, but i don't think we have any pretty dishes, so it won't look as good. but hey, you can't have everything. ...

the roof of my mouth was blistered. it felt really weird. and now that i accidentally popped it (and my mouth tastes funny, by the way), i can't stop running my tongue over the sore spot. owie. i will never eat burning hot food followed by a delicious freezing cold popsicle again.

in other news, there is a mold-like disease taking over my computer. my house has never been all too sanitary, to be honest, but mold on the keyboard is gross. yet strangely amusing. i can't type without laughing. it could be because the moldy fuzz is tickling my fingers so i giggle like a little school girl who's faced with seven years of martha stewart time, because she knows that martha will never wrong her. good old martha. except for when she makes jam in prison. that's a no-no. when i heard about that, i cried. you are denying this woman the right to make her precious JAM? you MONSTERS!! HOW COULD YOU??? hmm, if only i felt that strongly about other aspects of my life. like cleaning the mold off of the keyboard.

and, honestly, there is no fuzz on my keyboard. but when it does get here, then i will welcome it, because i can really imagine my fingers being tickled. yes, tickled fingers is all that matters in a world full of people who will shoot you as soon as chase a spotted leopard.

oh, saw this interesting thing on discovery channel that i felt i needed to share. did you know that a hippapotamous' penis is curved backwards so he can urinate through his hind legs? and when he "defacates", or feciating, as i like to say, his tail swirls around and spreads the "feces", marking his territory. and when these fierce animals fight, they open their jaws as big as they can, and bite eachother's rearends. i thought it was fascinating. i now want to become a hippapotamous, and not just because the guy said that the females often get trampled upon in the water. no, no, it's deeper than that. i think that i essentially AM a hippapotamous. truly, i do. and *tear* if *sniffle* i were to become a member of this prestigious species, i too would spread my feces around with my tail. i too would enjoy urinating through my hind legs. and i too would get to open my jaws to the size of kingdom come. just remember this, dear friends. this is what i want for christmas, and if you can't make it happen, then you never really were a friend, WERE YOU?!?!?!?

chicken.

alright, i'm listening to "you're unbelievable" by emf, and i think that maybe i have listened to it too many times. i mean yes, the song is good, especially if you can't get it out of your head from watching coyote ugly, but if you know all of the words, then that's a little creepy. i have officially creeped myself out for the third time this week. maybe a new record...

i freaked myself out the other day in a weirder way than that. i've been playing cards at lunch with kelsie and hannah, and i usually win the game speed, which is what we frequently play. but hannah beat me one day ( i still say she cheated, but they say i'm a sore loser...imagine that.). kelsie, with her "you got sponged-ness" said that, and i said, "i'll show you what being sponged is. i'll bring a sponge dripping with bleach and throw it at your eyes." then hannah talks about sponge cakes, and i think about saying i would put bleach in a sponge cake and feed it to them. we laughed and said more, all in the name of fun. i come home, and my mom tells me about these two girls who PUT BLEACH IN A CAKE AND FED IT TO THEIR CLASSMATES! i was a wee bit creepified.

then earlier this week with the quoting of the pink floyd that i hath mentioned. but that wasn't as major, as you will concur.

i'm bored right now. so bored, that i am pawing through my mom's dessert cookbook to find something to bake for thanksgiving at my grandmother's house. let me just say this: thanksgiving is a good holiday. i can't really say it's my favorite, because i like the christmas tree more than the turkey, but it is a great one, nonetheless. i go to my grandmother's house and she's cooking and it smells good and i'm comfortable and somehow we always play checkers and my dad usually beats me at it. my uncle tries to figure out the rubics cube again, which is difficult even when he printed directions from the internet. my cousin follows either me, joey, or chance around unmercifully. i have to watch it when i say stupid or freaking. it's one of the few times of the year where i get to see my family and laugh at how functional it is. one year, and i can swear to this, my mom, aunt, and grandmother were sitting in a room. my mom exclaimed what a miracle it was for her to have finished with the laundry. my aunt and grandmother actually APPLAUDED. i had to leave the room before they saw me laughing...

my family is not dysfunctional. every family is like ours, i do believe. sure, each family has it's individual quirks, but everyone's the same. it bugs me when people talk about their dysfunctional lives. their life is not very different from mine, more than likely. unless their cousin was eaten by an extinct tasmanian tiger wolf. then i think they have a right to complain. but then and only then will i accept that.

and "guess what" is not a question, it is a command, i stick by this, no matter what anybody says (KELSIE).

another brick in the big fat wall

if you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

this is what i doodled on the top of a paper i had to turn in in lang. arts. i get it back today,. and shifflet said i quoted it wrong. i only quoted the first part, mind you, and he said i quoted it wrong. I DID NOT QUOTE PINK FLOYD WRONG! silly language arts teacher that frustrate me...

and it's like all of the sudden, the teachers are bent on not letting us enjoy the remainder of the school week. i have to present a report on an extinct animal tomorrow and a test friday in science. i have a test tomorrow and friday in social studies. paper due friday in language arts. test friday WITH DECIMALS AND FRACTIONS. seriously, when am i gonna need to know the function of lines when i am a writer, other than referencing to its uselessness?!?! or even if i'm a lawyer, or a CONTRACTOR, for goodness sakes. i hate school this week.

but i do have something to look forward to. exactly one week from tomorrow is thanksgiving. which mean, delicious food. oh yes, delicious food indeed. my mouth is watering.

yesterday in science, a girl haliegh was in the room with me, gracie, r.j, jessie, and ashley while we were working on our projects when the rest of the class was in the media center. i started making fun of my weight. she asked if my weight bothered me. my answer.

not really. i mean, yeah, i wish i looked better in clothes and such, but come on. i can't complain about something i do not aim to fix. if i worried that much about my wieght, i would start exercising and eating right. but i like being lazy and reading books and eating as much food as i want. seriously, us fat people get all of the perks.

except for tom arnold and roseanne barr. but we just captured kirstie alley, so HA!

you've been sponged

that is kelsie's new catch phrase. i'm using it too, by the way, but only because it's to catchy. like in the rocket boys, where quentin keeps saying prodigious. indeed.

i'm posting this for no apparent reason, other than to really hash out media festival ideas. since gracie did not turn in a permission slip, she will not be participating. that is not good, but me and kelsie will survive. i think we should take a camera and follow us around all day in each class and splice it together to make a 7 minute documentary. the life of a rising high schooler, it should be. it would be interesting. kelsie has suggested filming her baby brother attacking barbie dolls, but the logistics of that send my head spinning. i've been wanting to talk to mrs. seagraves about science fair, since my teacher hasn't been doing it, but she is NEVER there, which is just bloknakker. that's right, i said it. and there's nothing you can do about it either.

lately school has gotten better. shifflet like never picks on me, which is so cool. homeroom's still a pain, but i live through the 5 minutes i have to endure. lunch is getting more and more fun simce hannah turned out to be such a rotten card player. heh heh heh, i'm so good at speed, it's scary...

i'm waiting for whose line is it anyway to come one. they've finally started showing the newer episodes. now i get to see new Ryans and Colins. oh, what JOY!!! i tHink randOm capItiLizaTion is aweSome, Don't yoU?

gone with the floor

our house is falling apart. the floor next to the bathtub is nearly completely gone. and my mom felt it necessary to tell me what to do if i happen to fall through the bathtub, so now i can't stop thinking about death in a nasty, grimy, white porcelain bathtub that people bathe in. i had a nightmare about it last night, but i won't get into that right now...

for those of you who do not know, my family is poor. really really. my dad's car works everytime a woman wins the lottery for over $25 (which is a weird analogy indeed, but it works that often). most of you know that my dad is a pizza/mail deliveryman. meaning he needs a car. meaning he needs a new car, since his keeps breaking down. meaning we might not have christmas this year. which i'm perfectly fine with. hey, i don't have to keep chance in my room so he doesn't wake up and see you guys setting up the presents? i can just sit here in my room and watch a christmas story for the millionth time? AWESOME! it's just that chance loves christmas, so that would be kind of a bummer.

anyway, i'm rereading gone with the wind. quite possibly my favorite book of all time, mostly because it is all about Georgia, a GA i never (thank God) knew. i wish i had known margaret mitchell though. she seems like she would be a fantastic person to meet. i've read about her, and she was slightly insane when she wrote the book, which would make her even more interesting to me.

ach, my tooth hurts. i think i have a cavity (or 7). but you know what? cavities weren't around when there were no toothbrushes. it is all a sham built by crest and aquafresh and listerine to keep us thinking that our teeth need to be beautiful and white and plaque free. George washington dealt with it, and i will too. unless they say i need wooden dentures. sorry, george, but you were a moron for taking those things. owie...

stupid tooth. the only thing wrong with my day is this stupid tooth. i could kill it, i really could. now if only i knew how to kill a tooth without harming the surrounding ones....

shannakababalee

so here goes it: chynna is now talking to me again (yay), the weekend has passed, and the academic meet has also. how did we do, you ask? we kinda sucked. i mean, we did okay, but seriously. we could have done better. but i won't dwell ont aht, because that will make me sad.

there's actually not really a lot that's been going on. every day has melted into one day. it feels like i've been at stockbridge all year, like dutchtown never even happened.

oh, the meet was fun. gracie and lauren weren't there, because of obscure reasons which i think have to do with them not wanting to be there. i think a guy hit on me, which is a major confidence booster. kelsie was my good luck charm, because i was so nervous my hand was shaking. i don't even know why i was that nervous, but i needed kelsie to sit next to me to calm me down. then ms. seagraves had to tell me we were behind, which made me get even more nervous, and we got 80 points behind.

but whatever. kelsie wasn't there on the ride back, and i talked to ms. seagraves. i wish that she had been our teacher for all of middle school. she gets everything, and she would teach it fantasmically too. there are kids in her class making 22's, which is bad, since she gives so much extra credit, it's insane.

ah, but i'm sleepy. i just wanted to let all of you know that i am doing well, am trying to join al-anon, and i lost my train of thought. i hate it when that happens. ah, well, adios.

if x is a positive integer, x to the xth power equals x. what is x?

tired of fighting

i'm tired. chynna, forgive me if you want, i'm trying to care less at this point. i'm tired of being hurt every time you ignore me.

i'm tired. i'm so so tired. i want to be able to tell my friends things without the fear that i'll be made fun of. i'm tired of fear.

i'm tired of playing cards at the lunch table with kelsie when we both should be enjoying ourselves as much as the rest of them do. i'm sure she's tired of it too. especially when i'm shuffling.

i'm tired of not being funny. i want to make you guys laugh, i really do. yo uhave no idea how much. it's just, i guess... i'm tired of not being taken seriously.

the great wall of chynna

alright chynna, it may be a while before you read this, and i understand why you're mad at me. more than understand it. but you certainly can't say what i said wasn't justified, can you?

every single time i tell you something in confidence, you hold it over my head that you're going to tell someone else. when i told you the one thing i said about peter, that was all i could hear about for nearly two months. and sometimes you go out of your way to lie or do something to make the rest of us wonder, "why is she so mad at me?" just to get attention. and you admit to it, so don't even say you don't, and don't act all offended either. so i don't trust you with as many personal aspects of my life as i do gracie and kelsie, but that's because they don't pull that crap. ever. you see where i'm going with that?

but i am sorry that i hurt your feelings. i really am. you have no idea how guilty i feel over hurting one of my friend's feelings. maybe after i tell you and kelsie what i have been trying to tell you for forever, then you'll understand better. i'm also sorry that when i sent you an apology letter, you immediately threw it away. do you even care what i did then chynna? i bet you don't. well here's what i did. i blinked repeatedly to keep away the tears. so thanks, chynna. thanks a whole lot.

and kelsie, don't you even want to try to get me?

why am i doing this to myself? i am so worried that i'm hurting my friends that i ignore the fact that i'm crying. i ignore the things that I can do to console myself, since obviously when i put my real thoughts out there, everybody rejects them.

and what the hell is up with that anyway? what the hell do you know about me that can make you ticked off even when i apologize? who the hell do you think you are, any of you, who judge me? i'll tell you who you aren't. a true friend. so if you don't wanna forgive me, even after i tell you what i was going to tell you, then forget you. i would say something more, but kelsie's mom would probly somehow manage to read it.

but thanks for making me feel bad and angry with myself once again. truly are great friends, seriously.

too mad to think

right now is not a good time for me. there are so many thing running around in my head right now, i can barely focus. i promised myself that i wasn't going to post for another couple of days not to sicken you, but no offense, this is my blog. forget you if you have a problem, okay?

i am apparently going to have to do 24 weeks of p.e. this year because the school can't afford to hire new teachers. i'm ticked off. and it seems like my mom is hellbent against letting me go to group therapy, because she keeps canceling and whatnot. but i need to get these thoughts out, dang it. it's driving me insane.

the other girl is so nice. and she gets me. we are almost exactly alike. i promised i wouldn't say anything to anybody about her though, so i can't go too much into detail. but she got me, ya know? i could tell her the stuff that i can't tell my friends, with the exception of sammy.but i'm hoping to have that changed. and kelsie, please don't hate me for what i have to say. please.

and there's another thing, something i cannot post because there are certain people i don't trust who read this blog (sorry chynna).

and bush won. i lost all respect for female voters who voted for him. listen to this, and listen now. he is about taking away women's rights. do you think that we just got abortions handed to us on a silver platter? no, they were fought for by the same women who fought for us to vote. i just don't understand how you can vote for them to unwind it all. bush is taking away our rights. the right we have to do with our bodies as we wish. it makes me mad to see that.

i think i'm about to tell my friends something that will make them think so much less of me. wish me luck

acronyms

i despise internet acronyms and the nasty horrible ugly potato shoes that every cheerleader just HAS to have. oh, and grown women ( or young) who vote for bush are not high on my respectability page either, because bush is about taking away certain rights allowed for women, like the right to choose about abortions. but hey, if you wanna go back to the stone age, fine with me. i'll just have to murder you....

right now my computer is being a big sillyhead and not loading the cool sound library thing, or updating kelsie's website, or letting me put links. i hate my computer, seriously.

in other news, i did nothing for halloween. i'm good with that though, because i keep snokking some of chance's candy, so it's all good. anyway, we went to ms. seagrave's room after they called carriders today, like we always do (me and kelsie). kelsie was having a staring contest with a stuffed flamingo. i wanted to ask ms. s if she thought it would be a good idea for me to sit out the next meet, but i didn't get the chance to.

see, what people don't understand about me, my therapist, my friends, even you who are reading this blog, you stranger you, is that i feel guilty about a lot of things. it doesn't stop me from doing anything wrong, far from it. when i lie or something, i don't really care to be honest. it's when i mess something up for somebody else. i have been feeling so guilty since the last meet because i was so arrogant in thinking i could answer everything. that's why i wanna sit out the next meet. but at the same time, i still think i did a really good job. so i needed to ask ms. s, but i guess that'll have to wait until wednesday, now won't it?

mr. shifflet is starting to bug me, to be honest. i mean, yeah, he's funny, which is cool, but everytime i look up he asks me a question. like, by looking at him i'm challenging him or something, when i'm trying to be respectful and show that i'm paying attention, because if my dad knew i didn't do that, he'd go berserk for disrespect. anyway, today he asked me if i worked harder than my parents. let's think about that, shall we? my dad drives his car for a living and my mom sits at a computer all day. i am trying to pay attention in every class, begging to bring my algebra grade up (which wouldn't be down if not for stupid tests) and trying to figure out what college i want to go to or how i'll afford it, because they haven't worked so hard as to pay for my education. who works harder?

the world may never know...