over it

So, I've been obsessed with this boy for a year. I just realized how long it's been. But NOTHING has come of it. So I decided last night that I just need to let it go. I have this problem with not being able to do that, but I think I'm going to be able to accomplish this. I think that what my problem is is that when The Flirtation started, it was incredibly fun. But it ended so quickly that there are only a handful of those incredibly fun times.

I guess that seal for me believing that I actually could let this go was when I saw him Saturday, after not seeing him for a few months. He had a girlfriend now, the complete opposite of me, and even though I'll admit that yes, he did look so very hot, it didn't cause me any pangs or anything. Sure, the PDA they had going on made me uncomfortable, but I'm just like that around any PDA, so that's not really the big issue. It was a sign, though, that I could finally stop talking about this nonsense. Which is actually somewhat of a relief.

Anyway, other than that, life's been...decent. Ha, I can let go obsessing about a boy, but I can't let go not liking school. But it's whatever. I got two Bs this semester, my first ever, which on the surface I know is fine, but it still kinda hit my ego hard. Next semester is going to be intense, but maybe that's a good thing. I've always focused better when I have a lot on my plate.

But I'm enjoying this break. Even though, contrary to my wishes, I do have work to do for school. I thought, being in college, that wouldn't happen, but one of my professors from next semester asked us to get the textbook (a WEEK before Christmas...yeah, because that's going to get here in time, sure) and read the first chapter. It's not that bad, I don't have the book yet, so it's not like there's anything I can do about it.

So I'm okay for right now. It seems like I ignore this blog, but I visit it every day. I just don't ever write anything unfortunately. Hopefully, I'll post again before the New Year, but if I don't, have a great one!

the day after tomorrow

What a crazy, ridiculous movie. I love it to death, but it's just so ludicrous. "The cold's gonna getcha! Watch out!" Please.

Now that things have settled down, I find that I can actually envision myself hear next year. I still truly hate the work, and you couldn't say I have many friends here that aren't Katie's. But the missing my family thing has lessened, so I can for sure say that that was certainly clouding my judgement.

Going to the games is fun. Being mostly on my own is cool. Living with a ton of other people is not that great. But classes suck.

I'm trying to see what a degree would bring me that I couldn't just get on my own. It's not like anything is a guarantee anymore if you have a degree. Is this constant pressure of school and the like really worth it?

I don't know.

summer lovin'

I'm incredibly tired. Since I hadn't been sleeping right, I decided maybe caffeine was my problem. So I haven't had any for a few days. And now I'm tired...ALL THE TIME! I have a massive headache, and just...yeah.

This weekend's going to my first home game. I've heard they're pretty intense, so we'll see. UGA vs. Arizona. WOOT! It also happens to be the first Quidditch match of the season (they do that in the Honors dorm...supposedly it's a combination of dodgeball, frisbee, and tag). So it should proved to be an interesting weekend, though I hope I'm able to do a bit of work. The previous weekends I didn't want to have to take work with me (either home or on my fieldtrip) so I worked to do everything beforehand, but since I knew I was staying here I haven't really done much.

If this game goes well, I might stay for the next home game next weekend (LSU...heard those are always fun). If it doesn't, I'll probably end up going home. It seems to be working out that it'll be about every two weeks, at least until the beginning of November. Then I've got that break.

I don't know. I think I might be addicted to home. I talk to my family every day and, like I said, I've been going home every weekend. It's possible that I'm missing a lot, and not liking college any more as a result. But I doubt that. I think I don't like college because I'm just so tired of school.

Unfortunately, this is the only place my thoughts are leading me these days. I wish I had the energy to do more creative writing, but I just haven't had time! I also wish I could find the courage to go out and join a club or something, but I just...don't want to do anything alone, I guess.

But I'm working on it. Pretty damn hard.

Woot.

this hand washes that one too

Sigh.


Okay, so it's been a while. In my defense, I've been busy. With college. Bleh.

I've gotta say, I'm still not exactly fond of this place. I'm not scared anymore, ha. Just incredibly frustrated I guess. Trying to branch out and do things, meet people, but....it's really annoying. The people here are just not overall receptive of what I have to say. Oh well.

That's pretty much it. I'm failing physics (because, well, it's physics and who understands that?), I have my first philosophy exam later (woot), and then in a few hours it looks like I'm headed home for my birthday weekend.
The last time I went home it was a little weird. Then I came back here, of course, and hated it all over again. I'm just a wishy washy type of girl, I guess.

Oh well. I turn 19 tomorrow. Doesn't really seem like that big of a difference, but gotta go somewhere.

Oy goodness. I think it'll be allright. Keep on keeping on.

i've come up with a plan

I really think I'm about to waste a year of my life.

I'm so tired of competing. But it's not in my nature to not compete. I'm tired of stressing about school and miscellaneous things. So I came up with an out.

I'm giving this a year. After the year, if I still feel the same (I haven't even had a class yet) I'm going to drop out, get a 9-5 job, and maybe get an apartment or something. I'm more excited about this than I am about college, but it's still a big step, I know.

The thing is, it hurts to breathe. And my arm is shaking.

I'm scared.

leaving

in a week.

I'm so scared, but I'm starting to get that little hint of excitement. Everything's going to be different, but I absolutely hate change. I think, though, that I'll get used to it in that slow, grudging way that I do. Hopefully. It seems that whenever things change in my life I'm always hesitant to accept it, but it generally does work for the better. Except for 8th grade. *Shudder*

I think, since I can actually get on now that I'm on my computer for school, that I'll be updating pretty regularly from now on.

Money is scaring me. I had $400 at the beginning of the summer and I'm down to $90. I shouldn't have gone on vacation and spent so much money. It was good that I did: Kelsie and Gracie and I got to have our closure and our fun. But now I've still got all of these things I need to buy for school and I can't afford it. I've got a job but I might have already lost it because I haven't checked my uga mail most of the summer. Why can't anyone send stuff by mail anymore, I say? I took out the max amount of loans that I can, but I have no clue when I'm going to get the money to pay for books. Which, you know, is always a good thing. This, and the fact that I just know I'm going to get lost all over campus, are things that keep me up at night.

I'm still tired. I don't know, it's like this whole summer I've been in a fog. I can't get out of it. I was able to snap out for a while, and that was a pretty amazing day. I thought it'd be over then, but no: the fog just crept back over me the next morning.

I'm going to miss all of my friends. M, who I think knows me the absolute best, has already written me off because she doesn't want to work on it while we're in different schools. Kinda hurts. What can you do though?

Oy vey. I've got a caffeine headache. I've been trying to stay away from it since I don't want to be dependent...but water is just so boring.

;)

run around

I feel so damn lazy. Haven't done much of anything but deplete my savings.

The fourth was awesome. As if it already weren't the greatest holiday in the world, I got to celebrate it TWICE. Once at the Hugh-Hefner-of-Georgia's house (where I rode a helicopter, for crying out loud) and once, of course, at my grandmother's, because that place KNOWS how to celebrate their independence.

Other than that, I'm just sitting around. Dealing with those petty dramas that come up now and again. Randomly thinking of my crush that I'm trying to, pardon the pun, crush because I'm so tired of thinking about what I could have done differently. Waiting to go to Savannah with my friends. Working on putting together a Bellatrix Lestrange costume for HP6 next Tuesday (which I'm totes going to see at midnight).

And avoiding any mention of college at all. Which is unwise. But then again, whoever said I was wise in the first place is what I wanna know.

ooh buddy.

I am tired.

It seems like I've been awake pretty much for the past two days. I graduated last night, salutatorian and all. It still seems kinda surreal, though last night I felt so...oppressed, I suppose is the word, that I couldn't breathe. My school, being incredibly zealous on the no-fun, non-celebratoriness, allowed nothing to go down. They practically assaulted a kid for clapping too loudly. So at the same time I was glad to be rid of the school, I realized that I had four more years of it, only now I had to start paying. And money, now, seems ever more important.

Ugh. I actually haven't even seen the guy since the last post, which is kinda strange. He's got himself a new girl...I'm trying not to obsess too much about it, but I keep having these lucid dreams. Utterly ridiculous.

No, last night we had a cookout and then I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show for the fourth time with my friends wearing a corset, some fishnets, and my cap. I got a lot of congrats, and the star of the show, Java who plays Frankenfurter, came up to me after and hugged me. I totes quoted RHPS in my speech. And Zoolander. It was cool.

And then today I went to a party where the hostesses never entered the room, hung out at a tattoo place (Sarah works at a new one since her and her boyfriend broke up...it was bound to happen sooner or later), then went to see Up, which I fell asleep in. What I saw of it, though, was adorable. I cried a tad bit.

I am certainly going to try my best to sleep in tomorrow. God knows I need it, ha.

it's been a long ass time

Sorry. I still check this blog..pretty much daily. I just haven't had the ability to post on it. I've tried a few times, but each time it doesn't work. Here's hoping.

I fell hard for a guy. He didn't fall hard back. Now it's that awkward, "I know you had a crush on me, ha ha" kinda thing going on.

My friends are all leaving. Graduation is less than two weeks away and we're just biding our time in school: nobody's really doing anything. Today, in fact, we find out who valedictorian and salutatorian are. Pretty exciting stuff.

I'm going to UGA. Honors college, though, so there's a bit more prestige than just GO DAWGS to it. I'm going to have to deal with all of that nonsense, though. Kinda worried/scared/excited. I'm sure that's the typical feelings.

It's hard to sum up what's happened in four months of time. So damn much has changed with me. I now have a total of two tattoos. I have a pair of friends who are a couple but they absolutely can't stand eachother. I have a pair of friends who are just too adorable but so dependent on one another that they can't even sleep when their not together. I have a job. I have a bank account.

Oh, the job thing. That's new. I work at Captn D's. It's okay. I come home every day smelling like greasy fish. But that's why God made showers.

I think that's everything. I'm excited.

the queen and i

Have you ever heard a song and hated it, but heard someone sing it live, or even heard another band sing it, and you couldn't wait to hear the song again? It just sounded so good that one time, and every other time you hear it, you can't help but hear a little bit of the time when it was amazing.

I feel like I am that song. Like people absolutely hate me, can't stand me. Then someone else says how cool I am, or I do something out of the ordinary, and all the sudden people like me. Or maybe not even that much.

I guess I'm saying that I feel like I'm not well liked. Not just by school people and the like. But by complete strangers. That maybe I don't have that instant don't hate me feel. Or, rather, I have the instant dislike me look. Eh, I don't know. Lot of self-loathing going on tonight.

I keep thinking about all the things I regret. All the choices I've made that seem to have put me in this situation where I do nothing, see nobody, talk about inanities. I'm not stepping outside the box. I feel like the second I do, I'll get run over by a car or yelled at to go back in.

This is probably nonsensical. It happens.

This past month has been...consuming. I have bought something from every single store I've been in. I haven't spent this much money on myself in forever and it feels...odd. That strange combination of "yay, I have this" and "I spent money I could have put towards something useful." My stomach is churning now, because of it, and I can't make it go away.

The one good thing about this break...well okay, it was actually one of the best breaks I've had in a while...is that there hasn't been any work. No postponing doing a research project, no Calculus homework lurking in the corner. Nothing to make my stomach churn even more than it already is. So that was nice.

I just needed to think. That's why I started this blog in the first place. I forgot about that. I've just been sitting here, letting all these things fester, thinking all these things so hard that they run ruts in my brain. But I have this outlet.

So there's that.