this year in thought

I don't think a whole lot of change has happened for me. Essentially, I'm still the same person. I've stopped driving at night and rebelled against the dishes, but that's all surface stuff. It showed me who I am, actually. I am a scared girl who's going blind, but I'm also someone who's not afraid to have everything taken away at the expense of her beliefs (even if, bugger, they're not very practical).

The biggest change, I think, has been the relationship with my friends.

Sometime before the school year ended, Kelsie told us she was opting to go ahead and go to Woodland. I was absolutely crushed. Even though I logically knew that she was going because it was better (and, ahem, it is), I couldn't help but feel that she was leaving us, leaving me. I think I tried to keep it in check a little bit, but out of nowhere I would just feel so angry. I think she remembers that, because when it happened, I usually punched her arm. And then she went to Woodland, and we started off our Junior year at separate schools. Those first few weeks were so...listless. It wasn't really the same. I'd find myself thinking, "Kelsie would think she is so cool," or, "Kelsie would hate this lady." And it seemed like she didn't have the same problem, which hurt a little bit. Every time something good happened to her (and it happened a lot, because she's so special), I took that as further proof that it was better to be away from her. I don't know if or when I'll get over that. :(

Then Gracie. I guess you could say without Kelsie we've become closer, but not. Our conversations tend to focus more on sex and guys (of which, sadly, there are no cute ones) and Lee. She seems more and more sure of herself, and she's putting herself out there, but like with Kelsie, I'm selfish and thinking that I'm being abandoned. Sigh.

Even though we're not all together, we try to make time every week to hang out, which I can tell you, isn't easy. Normally, I dread going over there, because I know we're just about to leave in an hour. And I'm right to dread it. That hour, I realize how close we are, and it is so difficult for me to get in the car and drive away.

I suppose that, yes, things have changed for me. I started off the year after drinking a little bit of alcohol, and I haven't drank any since. I've started to distance myself from my mother. I put all of my money in a place that's supposed to help me get into college, but it doesn't seem to be helping so far. Harold died, and I realized that I haven't seen my aunt in over two years...and wondered if that made her my aunt, still. I went on the Birth Control. I got a new fish. My old fish died. Then my new fish died. Pollen attacked and covered the ground, the cars, the trees with yellow. I slept on a bed outside in the middle of March. I built a guillotine. Gilmore Girls ended. My favorite teacher ever moved away, along with a good friend, and I miss them dearly. I got black frames for my glasses. I survived, but Brooke, Shika, and Joe did not. Finished Harry Potter. Started Twilight. Realized how much I love the summer. Procrastinated until the very last day to do my summer work. Realized my school sucks ass and doesn't actually care about education. Smelled the flower freezer. Ate Icees. Made it to Laura's Halloween party. Saw Kelsie in a pageant and Gracie win homecoming princess. Made it to GHP state. Joined student council. Joined Prom Committee.

I think that's it. That and other stuff. Other people. Other things.

I think this next year is going to be very different.