May Eve

is a very important holiday. So I felt I should have the day off from school.

Eh. I'm here, but I actually feel really sick. Kinda sucks. Planning on doing homework I've meant to do all weekend. Is it weird to be scared of homework? I think I'm just scared because I don't understand it. Not knowing something? Unusual for me. I probably should have gone to school and learned how to do this, but whatever. I've got this gnawing feeling in my stomach because of this severe procrastination. I should probably get on that.

I dyed my hair yesterday. Very reddish. Eh. It's okay. Not what I was picturing.

Applied for a job at WalMart. Ew. But money? Sure.

Didn't babysit Saturday. Whatever.

FINALLY found Bridget Jones' Diary at Goodwill. Not like I was going to buy that book new. Accidentally got the sequel a few months ago, so I've been looking for the first one. It's okay so far.

I'm bored. I'll go...do homework. Because that'll make me feel better. And if I finish the ginormous buttload that I have, I'll finish reading my book. Nice.

Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

I NEED to see a movie. Ugh, I hate going to the movies alone. You should come with me this Sunday.

Do you know any good movies out? We should totally go see that this weekend.

I never get to go play mini-golf. Ah, you need to take me there Sunday.

What do you say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder?




(Organization is a key trick to success).

Is it normal

to dislike yourself? Like, a lot? Maybe you can join me in disliking...me.

I'm jealous a lot of the time. Especially of my friends. I feel like I should be better than them, then feel soooo incredibly guilty that I just thought that. But that is honestly my first thought. I feel left out all the time now. Gracie or Kelsie will just casually mention something in conversation and I'll be like, "what?" and they'll say, "didntwetellyou?" "No." And that kinda stings. I didn't even know Gracie had a date this weekend. Or that Kelsie was skipping school Thursday. Or just...a lot of stuff, lately. Let's see what else.

I spent about $40 on jeans that barely fit. To be fair, they fit better in the store. Before I washed them. But I swear, I will wear them. I'll try to stretch them out.

I got incredibly upset when I realized I just ruined the best skirt I've ever had (and never worn). I washed it and dried it exactly according to directions, but when I got it out of the dryer, the stitches were all hanging out.

I hate my body. I take that back. I don't HATE it. It's just, it's so hard to find cute stuff to wear. It's hard to want to take care of myself when I don't have a reason to, you know? But I think I'm finding a reason.

I can't stand that stupid fish.

I'm mean to my brother, when I know that everyone else is mean to him and he deserves a break. Even though I love him.

When I'm mad, I act like I'm not, but not very well at all. As a matter of fact, I'm probably super bitchy and just imagining myself as nice.

I said I liked Tool. I have never heard Tool.

I feel sad about the VA tech shootings, but enough is enough. These kids died; leave it alone.

I am a horrible person today. And many days.

meeting boyfriends

Love is in the air, I guess. Well, in Kirstie's case, it's been in the air for a while. But today I FINALLY met him, so that was nice. I guess.

I don't know. He seemed nice enough. He really loves her. But it's the way he insists on paying on EVERYTHING, from our food to her a $400 prom dress for her. I think that's a bit much. And the second he got here he started talking about Kirstie's family, whom I know she loves. Which makes me wonder what he could be saying about me right now. I don't know. Maybe I'm just overworrying.

Then there's the Gracie. Haven't met her stud. Heard he's pretty hot, though. You go girl.

And there could be something elsewhere. I don't know, though. I wish.

Tomorrow should be fine. Hopefully.

(I'm going to make Kirstie call me and tell me exactly what he says later. I need to know).

Peace.

weed?

According to my (stoner) friends, today is National Weed Day. I'm sure it's not like, officialy or anything. Probably more like national weed day. It's also the SHS prom, which is slightly funny. And it's the day that Simone finally told us about her new little baby monkey (or little golden pig)! Very exciting. I was like, holding my breath this entire week. It's so wonderful.

Watched ANTM and couldn't decide who I really hated: "Britt", "Brown", or Jael.
Britt: I've NEVER seen this show before and didn't know that I had to act after studying a script for two hours and didn't even think my short term memory loss (which I'm glad I kept mentioning because it saved my ass with that human interest story).
Brown: That's cool, that's cool. Nuff said.
Jael: When she talks, it sounds like this: Niflsddfkbnnakd;;lkasdjf??asdf?kkoboideekdlbse. Even captions don't help.

Thank goodness that girl got sent home.

Today was pretty fun. Guillotines rock.

Hopefully tomorrow I get to meet Kirstie's significant other, Joe. That'd be pretty neat, considering EVERYBODY else has met him.

Oh I am sooo tired. Nighty night.

Ah

So the VA Tech students. I pray for them.

Sophie Monkey, welcome to the world, you beautiful child, you. Looks like Friday the 13th will be your lucky day!

I feel reasonably sad, though. Like I'm going to lose one of my best friends. And I know I shouldn't feel that way. I know I'll still see her. But just sitting here, thinking about it. I mean, how often do we really hang out. Or even just talk on the phone? And that's not only because we see eachother everyday. It's because she has a life. And right now I can't help but think about how me and other people will factor into that. And I know I won't be able to sleep now. I have the same feeling I had when I found out I was going to Dutchtown. Granted, I have that feeling every year until I know I'm going to Stockbridge (which I still don't, by the way). And yeah, I'll admit, a part of me is a little angry at her (sorry) because it doesn't seem like she's fighting, but I know that it's for the best, so it makes me feel slightly ashamed. Or very ashamed. Both. And I'm angry at the schools, because they're douchebags. And SHS might lose its accredation, so I guess I'm also a little bit jealous.

It's basically like this: those dreams I had of my friends leaving me? They were all her (K). All of them. So I knew it was going to happen, but I was kind of denying it to myself. And it's so terrifying.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, K. Just trying to sort through myself.

(Who will I lose PaperScissorsRock to?)
(We better still hang out next year, or I'm kicking your ass).
(I know where you live, so don't doubt it, either).

neh

First off, I hate thinking of titles. Just to let you know that. Moving on.

I'm actually trying to follow through with something for once in my life, but it doesn't seem like its going to work out. But if it does, it'll be pretty awesome.

I hope to God Kelsie finished our project tonight.

Tomorrow's Stephanie's birthday, but I couldn't go anywhere because my mom was freaking out about the tornado watch. Even when it was all sunshine-y.

Xavier's pretty cool.

I'm nervous about cleaning houses. And babysitting. But hopefully I'll get money.
I need a haircut.

I got some money for Easter, but I hid it so I wouldn't spend it. Unfortunately, I have to actually buy something.

I should be studying for the AP exam, but I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series. I'm on book 6, though. I'll probably start studying afterwards. You know, as long as I don't re-read the Nixon autobiographies. .... We're reading something really interesting in AP. It's kinda gruesome in some parts, but, I don't know, it's kind of spellbinding. Except for the fact that teach reads it too slow (for emphasis, I guess). Not a big fan of emphasis. We had to research protest songs and I got a few Simon and Garfunkel (I'm really and truly obsessed now).

I've been having scary dreams where my friends leave me and never come back. I wake up in cold sweats. It's crazy.

I'm so sick of school already. Just get it over with.

Okay, enough random thoughts for today. Just thought I'd fill you in on what I've been up to for over a week. Good luck to all with everything.

i constantly thank God

These past few days of break have been..uneventful. But I'll write about them anyway.

Saturday I went shopping with my mom for Dad's birthday presents. We got a bunch of stuff that I think he'll like. Then Sunday he cooked steaks, burgers, and hot dogs. It was nice. I was in a taking stuff apart mood, so I disconnected the doorbell that doesn't work, then I remembered the drill my dad gave me a while ago that burnt out, and I started taking it apart. I'm letting the pieces soak to get some of the oil out, but it's hard. As we speak, my hands are oily.
Then I found a Simon and Garfunkel CD that I didn't know I had, and I've been listening to that. Very good. Religious, but I can dig it. I also bought an AP Exam prep book. It's supposed to make me better for the exam, but so far it's just making me more nervous. But I'm only a few chapters in, so we'll see.

Then I read Kelsie's blog. God, I love my friends.

Kelsie: The best Catholic I've ever met. The most profound. Though she has suffered, her faith in God has only grown stronger (in my eyes). Probably one of the few people I know that are entirely innocent. She is the best person person out of us three, and I have no regrets saying that. She's introduced me to so many new and wonderful books, and that in itself is wonderful. She always sees the beauty. I can see her as a nurse and a loving mother. Her husband should appreciate the wonderful thing he has found.

Gracie: Is always there. Always. When SDFFII was sick, she was the one I called first. She was the one that supported me. She doesn't intimidate me, because she's real. If she's angry, she acts angry. When she's tired, she acts tired. She doesn't constantly complain about what ails her. I can tell her all of my secrets and not feel bad about it, because I KNOW she'll understand. I can see her working in a lab, researching medicines. Or running a television station.

They get me. They love me. Sometimes, I don't always realize that, but here and now, I know it's true. Though I can't exactly say what I contribute to our friendships, I know that these girls are people I want to know forever.
And it scares me to death that soon, high school is about to end.
I don't want to stay in Georgia all my life. I want to leave, to explore. And I hope that at the very least, we can retain a letter-writing relationship, but it's not the same as when we're together.

Ahh, now I'm all introspective and whatnot. I'm gonna go read some deep poetry and listen to far-out music (and that's no lie).