they grow up so fast

**this post is just an "ode" to my brother. Me rambling. Just to let you know...

So when I was born, my mom's mom was holding me in a little carseat thing when I first met Joey. He supposedly said, "She's pwetty gwanny. Bye bye!" And from what I hear, he hasn't liked me all that much since she didn't take me home with her and he got a new baby sister. As the stories go, Joey had been weened off the bottle, but the second I started using one, he had to have one, too. He also used to hit me a lot. Like a normal older brother, I guess. One day (when I could walk), he was sitting, watching TV, and I came past him and just thwacked him on the head. BAM. I'm sure I've told this story, before though, but this is one of the few stories I have of me and Joey when I got my revenge. But I loved my brother.

A few years later, when he had friends and I had...well, just Kirstie, I guess... I would (and sometimes Kirstie would, too) sit outside his room for hours hoping that he would play a game with me. Him and his friends. They would throw stuff at me, and I'd laugh it off, and I still wanted to play with him more than anything. I was (and still am, I suppose) a fat kid, so they thought it was funny. I didn't (and still don't, usually) look at myself as a fat kid, so I didn't get what they were laughing at. But those days that he did deign to play with me, I was so happy. I loved my brother.


When Chance was born, I had someone new to play with. I bugged the baby and my parents more and Joey less. Joey played with Chris, mostly, and sometimes they'd let me wrestle with them in the playroom. I loved my brother.

As the years have gone on, Joey and I have less and less in common. Sure, we have the same sense of humor. And over the summers, we all play video games and cook for eachother (well...I cook for everybody and they tell me I suck at cooking, but they still eat it anyway). We have a good time. I love my brother.

This year, since he's been driving me to school, I feel like I'm getting to spend more time with Joey. I understand his crappy music taste better. I know inside jokes. Which is why everytime something comes for him from colleges begging him to go I get so sad. He got a catalogue from NYU today. I have a feeling that he's not going to stay in this house much longer, especially since he turns 18 come Christmas. God, I'll miss my brother. I love my brother.

10 hours + 2 kids = $60

So a few weeks ago, my dad mentions to his coworker that I'm a babysitter (which isn't REALLY a lie, since I've babysat Chance, but it IS a lie because I've never babysat anyone else). She doesn't take him up on the offer...then. Last night he calls and says, "Yeah, she really needs a babysitter from the morning until about 3:00 in the afternoon." Sure. Sounds fine. $5 an hour, Kelsie says. Dad comes home. Turns out "morning" means "wake-your-ass-up-at-five-o'clock-in-the- freaking-morning." So I woke up. And I went. And it began.

What Dad didn't tell me was that the three year old has cystic fibrosis. He also didn't tell me that the five year-old is legally retarded (but I didn't really notice it. She seemed fine except for she didn't know how to count, which I chalked up to lack of interest). So that was pretty exhausting.

So the three year-old shit in orange. That was pretty nasty. They swam around naked in their paddling pool, which was ok, because they were just having fun. Five put on her shoes, went around the building (where I had no clue what was going on) and all of the sudden I hear her call, "Can you bring me some toilet paper?!" I thought that was kinda funny.

The parents didn't show up at 3:00, though. By 4:30, I was feeling pretty nauseous and honestly just pissed off. That little girl pooped again and I just couldn't take it. Orange is just not the color poop is supposed to be. So I threw up. And I heard Five screaming her lungs out, and I thought it was just because she was scared that I was throwing up. But I went out there and she was hysterical. She got stung by a hornet. I think she was exaggerating, though, because when I called my mom to ask for advice, she asked for the phone, and the second she got it, she goes (in a completely calm voice), "Hi there! Whatcha doin'?" Hardy har.

So, that was my day. I told them $5 an hour, but when we got to the bank, the dad said, "Is $60 okay?" I was not about to say, "Nope, I NEED $50 exactly." I think I deserved it after them driving me crazy for standing me up. And I'm starving, because when I made myself some noodles, they just HAD to have some.

Num Num Num.

school's out for summer

I'm so depressed. But in a happy way, I guess. I'm happy that I'm out of my freshmen year. I'm getting my license in 4 months.

But at the same time I'm depressed because I know I won't get to see my friends everyday. No matter how much we try, it's so hard for us to just get together for a day or two. Spending the night is next to impossible. And we usually don't get together until a week before school, when we'll see eachother soon anyways. But anyway. I'll try to work that out...

Last night Chris took me to see X-Men 3 at the midnight showing. I liked it. It sucked as an X-men comic/movie, but it was a pretty good movie movie. The one line...oh, that was just hilarious. We went with Adam and his girlfriend. At first I was shy, like I always am around people I don't know, but soon we were having a pretty good time. We didn't get home until 2:30, though. And then I couldn't get to sleep. So I have been awake since 6:30 yesterday morning. I'm tired, but I feel like I need to DO something, and not just sit here and do what I usually do.

Most of the day was playing cards. I'm the queen of Bullshit. Like my mom pointed out, I'm not sure that's a bragging point, but....I'm also pretty good at Speed. But that's more a game of chance. The appraiser came today. Our house needs to be worth at least $150,000 in order for us to get our loan refinanced. If we don't, then we're going to have to move. But I'm trying not to think about that. That's why we've been working on the house. But agh. I'll stop this now.

I'm looking forward to barbecuing and staying at my grandmother's and sleeping and showering in the morning and taking walks and sunscreen and attempting to hang out with my friends and..everything, I guess. I just hope it starts soon. I still feel like I'm going to school on Monday. Ew.

i got pennies for my thoughts now i'm rich

American Idol angers me. They should just shoot Paula and be done with it.

House was the PiMp. I enjoyed it immensely. Kind of a cliffhanger, but not enough to make you go crazy, which I like. Reminded me of my friends when they're high.

I realized that I've been invoking the name of the Cookie Monster when I can't think of anything else to say. I'll try to stop that. But it's so much fun to just go Num Num Num. You have no idea. I don't even like Sesame Street.

Today was the Last Tuesday. I'm sad. We at cake in the senior courtyard and won more suck-up awards. It was fun. The lunch was nasty, though. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not supposed to be gray, no matter what the administrators may tell us. Brown-baggin' it it is.

There was a fight this morning, followed by the oft-repeated speech by Papa Principal about his former career as a discipline officer and how he'll personally OVERSEE the arrest of those caught fighting or causing general mischief.

I've been putting off my work since I got home. I'll put it off more by telling myself I'll do it when I wake up. But I won't, because I've grown accustomed to watching Angel before I leave school. Argh.

I should be studying how to conjugate Spanish verbs and whatnot. Kelsie is the shnitzelfritz, as is Gracie. I can color well when I put my mind to it (which is surprising).

I'm trying to convince Chris to take me to the midnight showing of X-men 3 on Thursday night (well, technically, Friday morning). It depends on whether his girlfriend wants to go with him. I think maybe I can still work around that. I could go with zeros in my classes and be perfectly fine.

I'm happy.

it's called 'intuition'

Ha. I'm trying my hardest not to lord it over my friend. I KNEW ALL ALONG! He asked how. I'M JUST A NINJA LIKE THAT. Ah, I'm hyper. Red Bull does that. But tis sooo good. Tomorrow is the honor's thing. I wish I had clothes that I actually looked good in. Agh. Tonight was the SERIES finale of That 70's Show. This last year sucked, but the last episode was good. It was the whole Topher Grace/Ashton Kutcher return. It was satisfying. And then E.R. comes on in a little bit. Thank God all of these shows are ending. I'm becoming too obsessed with them. Crazy.


My parents forgot their anniversary Wednesday. I thought it was hilarious myself. I think that it's a good thing. I don't reckon that a whole lot of people agree with me. Spanish is fun. Gracie's MIA and I miss her. Next week's going to be messed up. I'm trying to be as happy as I possibly can be. But I'm sad that everything's ending! Well, I mean, I've still got three years. But it's going to be different. Let's hope it'll be better.

I got rejected. Twice. By the same person. All in one hour. In different ways, of course. But still. At least I tried. I can always say that. It was a long shot anyway. COOKIE MONSTER. That was just there to distract you.

Okay. I want a Yoo-Hoo real bad. But there are none! Maybe a Chocolate Soldier. Mmm. My mom broke her tooth biting into a Nutter Butter. Ew. I watched a video about mollusks. It was creepy. Anything you don't normally see in everyday life scares me.

And that was my day. And my thoughts. And...everything. Thank God for Red Bull.

sorry about that

The post directly below this one is just me kicking around ideas for my project. Sorry if it bored you to death. It almost got me too.

Death and Survival are a major theme in Jane Eyre. The most major example of this is the metaphorical death of Jane as she leaves Thornfield Manor, Mr. Rochester, and almost everything she has in order to escape temptation. She loses all of her money afterwards, and must beg on the streets for a job or something to eat. Jane finds shelter with the family of a minister, St. John Rivers, where she falls ill and is helpless, relying on others to feed and clothe her. This is the rebirth of Jane as a new, nearly independent woman. There are also many literal instances of life and death. Both Mrs. Reed and Helen Burns die in the novel. Both of these characters have had a profound effect on some part of Jane's life. Mrs. Reed made her vengeful, Helen Burns made her forgiving. Jane spent her time on their respective death beds, listening to words that had the potential to change her life. Bertha Mason, the wife of Mr. Rochester, killed herself, marking the change of Mr. Rochester's life. Her death allowed Jane to come back to him in the end, eventually marrying him. Mr. Rochester himself has had a few near-death accidents. The first was when he met Jane, when his horse toppled over on icy ground. Next, when Bertha tried to kill him by setting fire to his bed, where Jane saved him once again. The final time, which happened when Jane was gone, left Mr. Rochester blind and lacking his hand, which can be to show the reader how vulnerable this man is without his one true love.

Fire and Water are significant symbols in Jane Eyre. The fire in Jane's vehemence is counterbalanced by the calmness she feels in her ordinary life, like water to that fire. The warmth in Jane's heart, given to her by the love she has for Mr. Rochester, is just as soon turned to ice when she realizes that she cannot have him.

david bowie is my life

But that's not what I'm writing about, unfortunately. Some day, maybe he'll get a post all of his own. But now all he gets is a title. Loser.

Anyway. Friday was alright. Yesterday we worked on cleaning the house for the appraiser coming either Monday or Tuesday. I didn't sneeze once. Of course, I was mostly just going through the books to give to Goodwill, but whatever. Found some very disgusting things kept in and around the fridge. Still makes me a little sick, now that I think about it. And today I tried to help my dad paint the bathroom. I put a layer of paint over every single wall. Of course, NONE of it is even. It looks almost like it did before, except now it looks cleaner. And we did this in mostly silence, because my mom didn't want to be disturbed. Thank goodness Mother's day is only one day of the year. This morning I cooked muffins AND a cake. Crazy.

I miss my fish. I've been out of my room for most of the weekend, not holed up watching movies like I usually am. Poor little bugger. I also haven't done ANY school work. For the third weekend in a row. Even though I have THREE projects due withing the next week. But in my defense, I was working, so I don't know. Doesn't seem to appease my conscience all that much.

Oh, I LOVED the finale of Malcom in the Middle. It was hilarious. They really treated that show badly over the years, proven by the fact that they didn't even get an extra 30 minutes. But whatever. It was fantastic.

That probably sums up everything you ever wanted to know about my weekend. Tune in next time for my ranting about the EOCTs or my poetry project. I'm sure you'll be sitting on the edge of your seat then.

where are my shoes?!?

I watched Dane Cook earlier. And Gilmore Girls. And X-men. A lot of other things, too. Because I stayed home. Again. For the second day in a row. As much as I hate missing school, I did not feel good. I feel so disappointed though. The only thing I've got in my life right now is school. That's pretty much it. I haven't hung out with my friends in God knows how long. It just...sucks right now, I guess is what I'm thinking about. Because it caused me great emotional pain to wake up and realize that I was feeling crummy. I can't stand make-up work. Yeah, words straight from a geek. I'm swamped with school work (more than usual). I feel like I'm drowning underneath all of this. I'm having to go to school on a SATURDAY just because I don't get some of this. And that's if I'm lucky. And I couldn't concentrate on anything today. As much as I wanted to. No matter how many times I sat down to work on my poetry project, I'd always have to get up to blow my nose or answer the phone or something or other. So I just put it aside and watched a movie. But now I can't stop thinking about it. There's no time. AACHHHHHHH! Damn my procrastination to hell. And now I'm getting woozy, even though I've still got more thoughts, and I'm hoping that I can go back to that hellhole tomorrow, even though I still probably won't be able to concentrate. I'm so sick of this. I know the calendar says two weeks, but I swear I must be reading it wrong.

"there once was a woman from eeling...."

I was very annoyed today. And I can't say why. Because you never know what gets back to what people. But I will say that she is being both stupid and selfish at the same time, a task I thought could only be accomplished by those with an I.Q. of 12. Pick ONE, okay? It's not that difficult. And if you get one, don't get all pissed off when someone says the like the other one. Gosh nabbit.

So after I had my little anger-infusing conversation, I went for a walk to calm down. I walked everywhere I could possibly think of in only an hour, so that was a waste. Maybe it was just because I was walking really huffily. I did listen to Franz Ferdinand though, so it wasn't a complete waste.

Argh. Well, other than today, this weekend's been good. I made strawberry pie out of the strawberries Kelsie's mom got me. I got to eat a Fudge-sicle. I played Nerts. I did everything but talk to people that would be good to talk to. Yay, me!

Oh, and I watched Wild Things. Holy crap. It was like they had to wrap a pretty little bow around every twist so you'd know exactly what was going to happen before it happened. Ick. The only thing good about that movie was Kevin Bacon's ass, and that's all I'm going to say for the rest of my life about that movie.

cinco de mayo and the cisne trio

Today was a really good day. Like, really. Gracie's mom picked me up and we had a barrel full of laughs. I drank a diet cherry coke during my test. NO HEALTH! Cake. PANCAKES! No Ms. Wray. Very little homework. Kelsie's mom picked me up. We went to the strawberry farm on Fairview and got...strawberries. Very good. Then we went to Clark Park and played around. The best part of that was that we saw David H. Goodness gracious alive, that boy is sexy. Then we went to the LIBRARY...for like 5 minutes. Off it was to my house...but wait! There's the other David. Right, it's the Boy Scout's sale! So we stopped there and forced them to give us their sombreros. We found a third one for Gracie (YAY!)

That's not even the best part. I get home, go inside, and open the fridge and there are not one, but TWO Red Bulls. Mmm. But wait, there's more. Get ready for this.

I'M GOING TO SHS! I got my acceptance thingy majigger. I'm so happy, I could almost literally burst open right now. Or maybe that's the strawberries...

demasiado

I like speaking Spanish, even outside of class. It's just such a beautiful language, really. I would LOVE to go to Spain. Or Venezuela. Maybe Puerto Rico. I don't know. Anywhere, really. I plan on travelling the east coast after graduation. If possible, that is. We'll have to say if I have a car. There's a $600 truck for sale on the way to school. I've got that. Dad said it'd be a good buy, since he'd probably bootleg it. Which is probably why I lost all interest in it the second I took another look at it. Ick.

I'm listening to Pink Floyd. Very soothing. It's a good thing it came on shuffle, because I just couldn't find the right music. It's all about finding the music to fit your mood, or else you don't appreciate it as much. Tragic, honestly. Or maybe I just have a whole different set of rules because I'm a music freak. Laura's burning me another Dean Martin CD. It's supposed to be a Christmas album, so it'll probably be a while until I actually end up listening to it. But I'm sure it'll be good. Out of all of the members of the Rat Pack, Dean sang the absolute best. I've been happy with music this week. I got to listen to John Coltrane in biology the other day. It was wonderful until she cut it off, pandering to those who don't even know who Duke Ellington is. Whatever.

I'm thinking if I go to sleep early enough, I'll wake up early enough to do my homework. I really don't feel like writing 4 short essays on the differences between Hinduism and Buddhism and Islam. Too much thinking. I never really understood why people get "senior-itis," but now I know. I'm tempted to just blow it off, because I know I'll make an A in that class anyway. Well, I've got until now and second period to decide, I guess.

I just watched Kill Bill, Vol. 1 again. Great movie. I always fastforward through the Hatsuri Hanzo scene, though. Very long. Very boring. But I love Uma Thurman in that movie. I felt like watching something at least semi-Japanese. So there that is.

Tomorrtow's going to be a good day. Gracie's picking me up for school. It's going to be cinco de mayo. I'll probably have a chicken quesadilla and cake (and punch), even though I don't really like cake all that much. Well, not birthday cake stuff. Then Kelsie's taking me home with her, where I'll probably find a way to yell at her sister for being such a sell-out. Potato shoes. What's wrong with her? Ew. And then I'll go home. All day is like a block for my friends. Fantastic. And the next day, I'll hear all of the sordid details of Prom (hosted at the Georgia Aquarium, by the way).

Geez. I've gone on long enough, I guess. Time to hit the hay.

"Roll, roll, roll in zee hay."

ew.

That seems to be my new thing to say whenever I'm disappointed. No matter the occasion, it's always "ew." Yeah, I'm great.

I'm really kinda stressed out. I take my anger out on others with sarcasm. I know I'm annoying, but I'm fine with it at this point. I'm putting off homework right now. I just don't feel like doing much of anything anymore. I'm trying to convince someone to trust me right now. It's not working out too well. I doubt it'll work out at all. Yeah. I guess I'll get to that geometry/algebra then.