So it turns out my grandfather's dying. The one I've met two or three times. Turns out my dad's half-sister called and told my grandmother, who told my dad. So I guess that would make her my aunt. Whom I've never met.
I don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I didn't know him at all, except by reputation: he married my grandma when she was 17 and they had two children by the time she was 19, and he was an abusive alcoholic. So my grandmother left him (or vice versa; I like to think it was her).
And I've seen him a few times throughout the years, like I said. He's sent me two or three birthday cards (with my name mispelled).
You know, I've always felt kinda lonely without an extensive family. My maternal grandmother (and she's not ever really that) was married to this guy, Ed, who had a heart attack when I was 3 or 4. Then she got sick when I was 6, so it's not like I remember her very well. My aunt died when I was 6 months. My other aunt I haven't seen in two years. I never thought she considered herself family, and that just proves it. My paternal grandmother is the only blood. Then Papa Dan, who I love. And Uncle Gibbs and Lucy. But that's it. That and my little family is all I have.
So it kills me with my friends, sometimes. They've got grandmothers and grandfathers, aunts and uncles, cousins. It just...it kills me. I don't know.
And sometimes I think, maybe if I'd had these people, I wouldn't have gone through that depressed patch. I did things then that were (and I hate to sound evangelical) evil to myself. And now I just look back and make fun of it, but I really don't. It really hurts to look back on that.
So should I grieve? And if I grieve, should I grieve for my grandfather? Or should I grieve for the fact that I don't know him?
Ach. The only reason I'm posting this is because I shouldn't be ashamed (even though I am) and I'm forcing myself to.
1 comment:
It does suck to have that missing from your life. I never really felt like I had grandparents either. Only when I was really little and lived in Australia do I have fond memories of my Grandpa, giving me candy and being sweet to me. But we left when I was 6, and he died soon after. Other than that I never felt close to or really remember any others, and they've all been gone for a long time. But the fact that your parents are still together and you have a few siblings is a good thing. At least you're not an only child, that totally sux I think.
Post a Comment