hmm

So yesterday I went to his viewing and saw him sitting there, dead, with his 24-year sobriety chip in his hands. I was with my grandmother and I met the people who, technically, are my aunts and uncle. They seemed nice enough, but they had their own family dynamic. I didn't fit into that.

Today I went back down there with mom, dad, and Chance. I don't know why I did it, since I went yesterday. I guess I was curious to see what this man was like. And I found out.

He was a fantastic AA sponsor. No matter what, if somebody called him and needed help, he'd give it to them, anytime. The child his daughter adopted was his favorite grandchild (which kinda cut). Apparently, we're the bad people because we didn't know him, but the lady who said that said that his friends and his real family truly loved him.

I'm angry. I'm jealous. I'm sad. Mostly, though, I'm just...I guess empty would be the thing. I don't feel as sad as I should, and that's why I'm sad. I felt horrible, sitting there while his wife was sobbing and me not feeling a thing.

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I really appreciated them.

Until next time.