So I got home this afternoon after a long week of exam and reviews. I sat down in my room, ready to watch Sabrina, when a thought occurred to me: I've got two weeks off from school. I don't have a single project or assignment or worksheet or anything that I have to do over these next two weeks. I'm free for the first time in over a year.
When I thought about that, I felt so...liberated. So free. Every single weekend, every holiday, every break I have to worry about some arbitrary school thing that I end up putting off till the very last day, but worrying about all week anyway. Every single time. But this time was different. This time was good.
And then hours later, when I was sitting down playing cards, I realized that I had to do science fair.
I swear to you, I had to leave the room, I was so choked up. It's just so hard to explain, I guess. And immediately when I thought that, I felt all of the normal worry and anxiety that I feel all of the time now.
It just...it makes me sick, thinking about how blissful I made myself, and how wrecked I feel now. I guess that's kinda silly.
And now, to top it all off, I'm feeling so homesick. I miss my HOME. This house isn't my home. I don't know it, even yet. I can't even sit in the living room without weezing for hours. And I can't even say my last memories of the old house were that good, because we were still going up there when this house didn't have cable or water to take showers and watch tv, when the house was a nasty disaster.
And since the night I had my accident and cried like a baby, I haven't cried the tiniest bit. But now the gates are open, and it feels like I can't stop.
I guess you could say it's been a downer day.
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