im a bit saddened, so i'll make lists again

i will never be able to:
smoke (my lungs would collapse)
drink (my mom turned me off to that)
hate (i don't have enough energy)
do drugs (again, my lungs would collapse or i'm afraid my head would explode)

i want to:
breathe
drive
get a job
love my family
do something i really want to do

i never want to:
kill someone
be obsessed with my weight

for the past couple of days, my breath has been coming up short, especially at night. no matter what i do, my breath still comes the same. i concentrate on it so much, i think my brain will bust open, finally giving me a better passageway to breathe. and my mom's mad at me for something that i'm in the right about. it makes me want to cry how much she doesn't get that i hate her drinking and smoking and everything else she does. sometimes i feel like i hate her. especially when she tries to hide when she's drinking. i imagine myself finding the bottle and breaking it. just slamming it on the floor. i almost did it once, but then i thought about who would have to clean it up, and it would have been me. but then i picute myself cleaning up the bottle and cutting my hand and bleeding to death, and showing her so she'll know its her fault. she still probably wouldn't stop. she'd probably light a cigarette in my face.

but i'm getting away from the topic. i just want you all to remember to breathe in and breathe out, over and over again.