8.12.2006

pins of guilt cut me stab me

I heard that song earlier. I think it's kinda funny that now I feel guilty. And sick. Ick.

So all this week, I come home, and I go straight to doing my homework. I don't stop until like, 5 minutes before I have to get to sleep. And this is the first week of school, mind you. Now, I knew I'd have a lot of work. I expected it. I mean, 4 honors and an AP class warrants homework. But I'm not used to this. The most I ever had this much work was maybe a few days every few weeks. Not every night. Certainly not every night the first week. Gracie seems used to it, but I'm not. So I haven't been sleeping all that well, because I haven't just RELAXED for what feels like forever. And even taking sleeping pills doesn't work. I've been exhausted for forever. And I see that it's a slippery slope, but I honestly can't sleep without muscle relaxers. So I need to stop with THAT before it turns into something, which, knowing my family, probably will.

But that's not why I feel guilty. I hit Chance earlier. Not like, "Oh, you're such an idiot, I hit you on the shoulder, haha." But full on attacked him. And he deserved it. What he did....well, it was inexcusable. And I just flew at him. He was so surprised. And even while I was doing it, I felt horrible. So I pretended to storm off to the porch, but I really just wanted to get away and calm down.

I'm not like that. I mean yeah, I slap people on the shoulder or poke them. But I don't set out to HURT them. So I went outside and just sat down for an hour. Not really thinking.

Times like these, words from good ole Nixon really work. Especially this week's ones. Yeah. I'm a cornball. Yay.

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