the queen and i

Have you ever heard a song and hated it, but heard someone sing it live, or even heard another band sing it, and you couldn't wait to hear the song again? It just sounded so good that one time, and every other time you hear it, you can't help but hear a little bit of the time when it was amazing.

I feel like I am that song. Like people absolutely hate me, can't stand me. Then someone else says how cool I am, or I do something out of the ordinary, and all the sudden people like me. Or maybe not even that much.

I guess I'm saying that I feel like I'm not well liked. Not just by school people and the like. But by complete strangers. That maybe I don't have that instant don't hate me feel. Or, rather, I have the instant dislike me look. Eh, I don't know. Lot of self-loathing going on tonight.

I keep thinking about all the things I regret. All the choices I've made that seem to have put me in this situation where I do nothing, see nobody, talk about inanities. I'm not stepping outside the box. I feel like the second I do, I'll get run over by a car or yelled at to go back in.

This is probably nonsensical. It happens.

This past month has been...consuming. I have bought something from every single store I've been in. I haven't spent this much money on myself in forever and it feels...odd. That strange combination of "yay, I have this" and "I spent money I could have put towards something useful." My stomach is churning now, because of it, and I can't make it go away.

The one good thing about this break...well okay, it was actually one of the best breaks I've had in a while...is that there hasn't been any work. No postponing doing a research project, no Calculus homework lurking in the corner. Nothing to make my stomach churn even more than it already is. So that was nice.

I just needed to think. That's why I started this blog in the first place. I forgot about that. I've just been sitting here, letting all these things fester, thinking all these things so hard that they run ruts in my brain. But I have this outlet.

So there's that.