of posts lately. But I've been thinking a lot lately, so there's that. When it's summer, I have more time to think and organize my thoughts. This thing that happened Saturday...it was a tragedy. It surely was. A lot of my friends are affected by this, so it does affect me that way. But though I did know one of the girls, I wasn't really friends with her. It feels wrong to extoll someone's virtues when I never took the time to know them, nor did I ever really desire to. And that's why I feel so incredibly sad.
Last night I had a dream that Kirstie was here. I haven't seen her in months, and I miss her so much. I know she's been avoiding me, though I have no idea why. I've done everything I could possibly think of to get in touch with her: email, myspace-ing, calling her cellphone and home phone. I even wrote a letter. Because even though me and Kirstie don't have so much in common, she's been like my sister. And it really hurts.
I've also been having dreams about my aunt. Well, my kind of aunt. The woman who used to be married to my uncle, who I thought was my aunt, but I haven't heard from in two years. All those years! Christmases, birthdays, Fourth of Julys...she was my aunt. Maybe I didn't see her everyday, no, but the days I saw her, she should have looked at me and thought, "This is my niece," because everytime I saw her, I thought, "This is my aunt." But apparently she never thought that. Which hurts just as worse, if not more so. All the times I would really try to bond with her, now it seems like there's this tinge of distain on everything she said. It just...ugh. One day I even imagined calling her and telling her how...angry and hurt and disappointed I was. Because that's what I feel in my heart: hatred and anger. I wish I wouldn't, and I guess that seems to be the only way to resolve it, to tell her about it. I don't know.
And I know I shouldn't dwell on this. I should be grateful I'm alive. But this is what I'm thinking. Hell, this is what I'm dreaming. Hopefully if I write it out, I'll stop dreaming it.
1 comment:
I don't think if I say that I understand where you're coming from is going to make you feel any better about the situation, but, based on this post, we sure do have a lot in common.
The situation, what happened last Saturday, is just so sad. So incredibly shockingly sad. And so stupid! But there's nothing we can really do about it now, it's in the past, except pray really. So sad.
I'm sorry you and Kirstie aren't hanging out right now, and I really hope that you can reconcile your friendship (or she can, from what you say). It doesn't make it any easier when you actually are sisters and get hurt by someone.
I can understand the hurt you feel about your aunt, and I feel the same way about my uncle's divorce. It's just... hard. Also stupid.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you, amiga, and I hope that you start feeling cheery again soon. And no more weird dreams, right? For both of us.
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