i've come up with a plan

I really think I'm about to waste a year of my life.

I'm so tired of competing. But it's not in my nature to not compete. I'm tired of stressing about school and miscellaneous things. So I came up with an out.

I'm giving this a year. After the year, if I still feel the same (I haven't even had a class yet) I'm going to drop out, get a 9-5 job, and maybe get an apartment or something. I'm more excited about this than I am about college, but it's still a big step, I know.

The thing is, it hurts to breathe. And my arm is shaking.

I'm scared.

leaving

in a week.

I'm so scared, but I'm starting to get that little hint of excitement. Everything's going to be different, but I absolutely hate change. I think, though, that I'll get used to it in that slow, grudging way that I do. Hopefully. It seems that whenever things change in my life I'm always hesitant to accept it, but it generally does work for the better. Except for 8th grade. *Shudder*

I think, since I can actually get on now that I'm on my computer for school, that I'll be updating pretty regularly from now on.

Money is scaring me. I had $400 at the beginning of the summer and I'm down to $90. I shouldn't have gone on vacation and spent so much money. It was good that I did: Kelsie and Gracie and I got to have our closure and our fun. But now I've still got all of these things I need to buy for school and I can't afford it. I've got a job but I might have already lost it because I haven't checked my uga mail most of the summer. Why can't anyone send stuff by mail anymore, I say? I took out the max amount of loans that I can, but I have no clue when I'm going to get the money to pay for books. Which, you know, is always a good thing. This, and the fact that I just know I'm going to get lost all over campus, are things that keep me up at night.

I'm still tired. I don't know, it's like this whole summer I've been in a fog. I can't get out of it. I was able to snap out for a while, and that was a pretty amazing day. I thought it'd be over then, but no: the fog just crept back over me the next morning.

I'm going to miss all of my friends. M, who I think knows me the absolute best, has already written me off because she doesn't want to work on it while we're in different schools. Kinda hurts. What can you do though?

Oy vey. I've got a caffeine headache. I've been trying to stay away from it since I don't want to be dependent...but water is just so boring.

;)

run around

I feel so damn lazy. Haven't done much of anything but deplete my savings.

The fourth was awesome. As if it already weren't the greatest holiday in the world, I got to celebrate it TWICE. Once at the Hugh-Hefner-of-Georgia's house (where I rode a helicopter, for crying out loud) and once, of course, at my grandmother's, because that place KNOWS how to celebrate their independence.

Other than that, I'm just sitting around. Dealing with those petty dramas that come up now and again. Randomly thinking of my crush that I'm trying to, pardon the pun, crush because I'm so tired of thinking about what I could have done differently. Waiting to go to Savannah with my friends. Working on putting together a Bellatrix Lestrange costume for HP6 next Tuesday (which I'm totes going to see at midnight).

And avoiding any mention of college at all. Which is unwise. But then again, whoever said I was wise in the first place is what I wanna know.

ooh buddy.

I am tired.

It seems like I've been awake pretty much for the past two days. I graduated last night, salutatorian and all. It still seems kinda surreal, though last night I felt so...oppressed, I suppose is the word, that I couldn't breathe. My school, being incredibly zealous on the no-fun, non-celebratoriness, allowed nothing to go down. They practically assaulted a kid for clapping too loudly. So at the same time I was glad to be rid of the school, I realized that I had four more years of it, only now I had to start paying. And money, now, seems ever more important.

Ugh. I actually haven't even seen the guy since the last post, which is kinda strange. He's got himself a new girl...I'm trying not to obsess too much about it, but I keep having these lucid dreams. Utterly ridiculous.

No, last night we had a cookout and then I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show for the fourth time with my friends wearing a corset, some fishnets, and my cap. I got a lot of congrats, and the star of the show, Java who plays Frankenfurter, came up to me after and hugged me. I totes quoted RHPS in my speech. And Zoolander. It was cool.

And then today I went to a party where the hostesses never entered the room, hung out at a tattoo place (Sarah works at a new one since her and her boyfriend broke up...it was bound to happen sooner or later), then went to see Up, which I fell asleep in. What I saw of it, though, was adorable. I cried a tad bit.

I am certainly going to try my best to sleep in tomorrow. God knows I need it, ha.

it's been a long ass time

Sorry. I still check this blog..pretty much daily. I just haven't had the ability to post on it. I've tried a few times, but each time it doesn't work. Here's hoping.

I fell hard for a guy. He didn't fall hard back. Now it's that awkward, "I know you had a crush on me, ha ha" kinda thing going on.

My friends are all leaving. Graduation is less than two weeks away and we're just biding our time in school: nobody's really doing anything. Today, in fact, we find out who valedictorian and salutatorian are. Pretty exciting stuff.

I'm going to UGA. Honors college, though, so there's a bit more prestige than just GO DAWGS to it. I'm going to have to deal with all of that nonsense, though. Kinda worried/scared/excited. I'm sure that's the typical feelings.

It's hard to sum up what's happened in four months of time. So damn much has changed with me. I now have a total of two tattoos. I have a pair of friends who are a couple but they absolutely can't stand eachother. I have a pair of friends who are just too adorable but so dependent on one another that they can't even sleep when their not together. I have a job. I have a bank account.

Oh, the job thing. That's new. I work at Captn D's. It's okay. I come home every day smelling like greasy fish. But that's why God made showers.

I think that's everything. I'm excited.

the queen and i

Have you ever heard a song and hated it, but heard someone sing it live, or even heard another band sing it, and you couldn't wait to hear the song again? It just sounded so good that one time, and every other time you hear it, you can't help but hear a little bit of the time when it was amazing.

I feel like I am that song. Like people absolutely hate me, can't stand me. Then someone else says how cool I am, or I do something out of the ordinary, and all the sudden people like me. Or maybe not even that much.

I guess I'm saying that I feel like I'm not well liked. Not just by school people and the like. But by complete strangers. That maybe I don't have that instant don't hate me feel. Or, rather, I have the instant dislike me look. Eh, I don't know. Lot of self-loathing going on tonight.

I keep thinking about all the things I regret. All the choices I've made that seem to have put me in this situation where I do nothing, see nobody, talk about inanities. I'm not stepping outside the box. I feel like the second I do, I'll get run over by a car or yelled at to go back in.

This is probably nonsensical. It happens.

This past month has been...consuming. I have bought something from every single store I've been in. I haven't spent this much money on myself in forever and it feels...odd. That strange combination of "yay, I have this" and "I spent money I could have put towards something useful." My stomach is churning now, because of it, and I can't make it go away.

The one good thing about this break...well okay, it was actually one of the best breaks I've had in a while...is that there hasn't been any work. No postponing doing a research project, no Calculus homework lurking in the corner. Nothing to make my stomach churn even more than it already is. So that was nice.

I just needed to think. That's why I started this blog in the first place. I forgot about that. I've just been sitting here, letting all these things fester, thinking all these things so hard that they run ruts in my brain. But I have this outlet.

So there's that.

another once in a month post in which i catch up

Here goes:

I went to the midnight premiere of Twilight with a lot of friends. Kelsie, Gracie, and I wore matching shirts that said Twilighter on the front and "Edward Cullen...I want that" on the back. After that I got a tattoo of interlocking infinities around my wrist. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but I like it. Then Thanksgiving, the school. Just a bunch of the same, really.

I saw Australia. Everyone kept talking about how it was so Gone With the Wind, which made me want to reread that. The older I get, the more I understand these characters, so that's fun.

Let's see...I turned in my UGA Fellows application, which is a scholarship that pretty much covers full tuition (along with HOPE) and gives me study abroad money. And, you know, I got accepted into UGA. And Oglethorpe. I'm just now finishing my application for...another school. I don't want to say it, but I know I probably won't get in. I just wanted to see if I could.

That's about it. Finals are this week. I've got my hardest three, the ones that are going to take the entire allotted time to take, on the first day, and then the easiest three, which will take, combined, thirty minutes, the next day. But it'll all be over soon.

I feel bad, though. I spent all of the money I had on the tattoo. I have done zero Christmas shopping. None. And it's really kinda lame.

Hopefully, with the break coming up, I'll be able to post more.

Until then.