i'm tired of it. i really am. i say this a lot. i'm tired of the same things, the monotony. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not worth anything to my friends. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not worth anything to my classmates. no movies are new, no new stories to entertain me. thoughts are short lived. all i think about is scholarships. i don't even know what i want to do. everyone's writing about their pregnancies or births or lack thereof, and i love reading it, i do, and i feel for them what i need to feel for them, but it's the same story, every time. i sing the same song every time. my mother is drinking, i'm alone, i'm sleepy, i'm sick, i'm tired, i'm tired, i hate it, i love it, i want it to stop. i want to run away. i really do. but i'm not smart enough to survive without money, and apparently, my friend's families wouldn't take me in. emancipation is not out of the question. it's there, in my mind. but i think of my dependency on my parents. i hate communicating with people, i'm a loner. i wish some popular girl would declare me the makeover girl and i could bam, be social and pretty and thin and know how to do my makeup and get to wear cute clothes and not fantasize about being useful.
my grandmother said i was allowed to invite one friend to go with me saturday. i thought, "that sucks, i'll have to choose between gracie and kelsie." well, i was wrong. i didn't have to choose, because neither one of them can go. and i'm pissed at them, even though it's not their fault, and i'm pissed at myself that i understand that it's not their fault, and i wish that i could just suck it up because there are far worse things in life.
i'm scared that i'm already asking," what's the point?" and i'm only 15. everyone's saying the world's going to end. think about it. people die everyday. you read that sentence and thought, "yeah, heard it before, your point?" *that* is my point. if a stranger can be so nonchalant about death, why aren't you? we were born to die, or so the song goes, so what's the point in doing something? have fun? well, apparantly, life's not all fun. so what's the point, i ask, yet again?
i don't know. it's just...bad.
1 comment:
Tony said it all!
Seriously, it's not that bad (I hope). This is very unlike your other posts. I hope things get better soon and I bet you a gazillion dollars they will. We all feel this way sometimes. Of course there are different reasons but we all have crappy days.
You know I'm here if you wanna email me or IM me or whatever.
Post a Comment