here it goes again

So I'll start off by my usual amount of bellyaching and depressing thoughts. I just don't want to be here. I feel this...weight on my chest, like a kind of physical grief. And the worst thing is, I don't understand why exactly. I put most of it on the fact that I miss my family terribly, I miss the way of life I've established for the first 18 years of my life. I'm thrown here with no friends, and I'm a terribly shy person. I don't know. I've got a weekend looming ahead and I'm not particularly looking forward to it as I have nothing to do really. When I'm in class, I'm fine, but outside of class....bleh. And there also happen to be these people downstairs from us that play their music ridiculously loud. And even when they aren't playing it, I'm afraid that they will, which makes me panic. I can't seem to relax when I'm here, I suppose. And it's driving me nuts. I have huge under eye circles and can't sleep. I don't know what to do.

Okay, on to the good news. New Years' was awesome. I spent the night at Sarah's, hung around with some decent people, and got to hang out with Kelsie all night. Then we had a repeat New Years' the following Saturday, which was even better. There was also a family reunion deal thing, with a bunch of people that I think are funny as opposed to the relatives that I can't stand, so that was nice. And tons of Partner's Pizza. Good stuff.

Think positive.

over it

So, I've been obsessed with this boy for a year. I just realized how long it's been. But NOTHING has come of it. So I decided last night that I just need to let it go. I have this problem with not being able to do that, but I think I'm going to be able to accomplish this. I think that what my problem is is that when The Flirtation started, it was incredibly fun. But it ended so quickly that there are only a handful of those incredibly fun times.

I guess that seal for me believing that I actually could let this go was when I saw him Saturday, after not seeing him for a few months. He had a girlfriend now, the complete opposite of me, and even though I'll admit that yes, he did look so very hot, it didn't cause me any pangs or anything. Sure, the PDA they had going on made me uncomfortable, but I'm just like that around any PDA, so that's not really the big issue. It was a sign, though, that I could finally stop talking about this nonsense. Which is actually somewhat of a relief.

Anyway, other than that, life's been...decent. Ha, I can let go obsessing about a boy, but I can't let go not liking school. But it's whatever. I got two Bs this semester, my first ever, which on the surface I know is fine, but it still kinda hit my ego hard. Next semester is going to be intense, but maybe that's a good thing. I've always focused better when I have a lot on my plate.

But I'm enjoying this break. Even though, contrary to my wishes, I do have work to do for school. I thought, being in college, that wouldn't happen, but one of my professors from next semester asked us to get the textbook (a WEEK before Christmas...yeah, because that's going to get here in time, sure) and read the first chapter. It's not that bad, I don't have the book yet, so it's not like there's anything I can do about it.

So I'm okay for right now. It seems like I ignore this blog, but I visit it every day. I just don't ever write anything unfortunately. Hopefully, I'll post again before the New Year, but if I don't, have a great one!

the day after tomorrow

What a crazy, ridiculous movie. I love it to death, but it's just so ludicrous. "The cold's gonna getcha! Watch out!" Please.

Now that things have settled down, I find that I can actually envision myself hear next year. I still truly hate the work, and you couldn't say I have many friends here that aren't Katie's. But the missing my family thing has lessened, so I can for sure say that that was certainly clouding my judgement.

Going to the games is fun. Being mostly on my own is cool. Living with a ton of other people is not that great. But classes suck.

I'm trying to see what a degree would bring me that I couldn't just get on my own. It's not like anything is a guarantee anymore if you have a degree. Is this constant pressure of school and the like really worth it?

I don't know.

summer lovin'

I'm incredibly tired. Since I hadn't been sleeping right, I decided maybe caffeine was my problem. So I haven't had any for a few days. And now I'm tired...ALL THE TIME! I have a massive headache, and just...yeah.

This weekend's going to my first home game. I've heard they're pretty intense, so we'll see. UGA vs. Arizona. WOOT! It also happens to be the first Quidditch match of the season (they do that in the Honors dorm...supposedly it's a combination of dodgeball, frisbee, and tag). So it should proved to be an interesting weekend, though I hope I'm able to do a bit of work. The previous weekends I didn't want to have to take work with me (either home or on my fieldtrip) so I worked to do everything beforehand, but since I knew I was staying here I haven't really done much.

If this game goes well, I might stay for the next home game next weekend (LSU...heard those are always fun). If it doesn't, I'll probably end up going home. It seems to be working out that it'll be about every two weeks, at least until the beginning of November. Then I've got that break.

I don't know. I think I might be addicted to home. I talk to my family every day and, like I said, I've been going home every weekend. It's possible that I'm missing a lot, and not liking college any more as a result. But I doubt that. I think I don't like college because I'm just so tired of school.

Unfortunately, this is the only place my thoughts are leading me these days. I wish I had the energy to do more creative writing, but I just haven't had time! I also wish I could find the courage to go out and join a club or something, but I just...don't want to do anything alone, I guess.

But I'm working on it. Pretty damn hard.

Woot.

this hand washes that one too

Sigh.


Okay, so it's been a while. In my defense, I've been busy. With college. Bleh.

I've gotta say, I'm still not exactly fond of this place. I'm not scared anymore, ha. Just incredibly frustrated I guess. Trying to branch out and do things, meet people, but....it's really annoying. The people here are just not overall receptive of what I have to say. Oh well.

That's pretty much it. I'm failing physics (because, well, it's physics and who understands that?), I have my first philosophy exam later (woot), and then in a few hours it looks like I'm headed home for my birthday weekend.
The last time I went home it was a little weird. Then I came back here, of course, and hated it all over again. I'm just a wishy washy type of girl, I guess.

Oh well. I turn 19 tomorrow. Doesn't really seem like that big of a difference, but gotta go somewhere.

Oy goodness. I think it'll be allright. Keep on keeping on.

i've come up with a plan

I really think I'm about to waste a year of my life.

I'm so tired of competing. But it's not in my nature to not compete. I'm tired of stressing about school and miscellaneous things. So I came up with an out.

I'm giving this a year. After the year, if I still feel the same (I haven't even had a class yet) I'm going to drop out, get a 9-5 job, and maybe get an apartment or something. I'm more excited about this than I am about college, but it's still a big step, I know.

The thing is, it hurts to breathe. And my arm is shaking.

I'm scared.

leaving

in a week.

I'm so scared, but I'm starting to get that little hint of excitement. Everything's going to be different, but I absolutely hate change. I think, though, that I'll get used to it in that slow, grudging way that I do. Hopefully. It seems that whenever things change in my life I'm always hesitant to accept it, but it generally does work for the better. Except for 8th grade. *Shudder*

I think, since I can actually get on now that I'm on my computer for school, that I'll be updating pretty regularly from now on.

Money is scaring me. I had $400 at the beginning of the summer and I'm down to $90. I shouldn't have gone on vacation and spent so much money. It was good that I did: Kelsie and Gracie and I got to have our closure and our fun. But now I've still got all of these things I need to buy for school and I can't afford it. I've got a job but I might have already lost it because I haven't checked my uga mail most of the summer. Why can't anyone send stuff by mail anymore, I say? I took out the max amount of loans that I can, but I have no clue when I'm going to get the money to pay for books. Which, you know, is always a good thing. This, and the fact that I just know I'm going to get lost all over campus, are things that keep me up at night.

I'm still tired. I don't know, it's like this whole summer I've been in a fog. I can't get out of it. I was able to snap out for a while, and that was a pretty amazing day. I thought it'd be over then, but no: the fog just crept back over me the next morning.

I'm going to miss all of my friends. M, who I think knows me the absolute best, has already written me off because she doesn't want to work on it while we're in different schools. Kinda hurts. What can you do though?

Oy vey. I've got a caffeine headache. I've been trying to stay away from it since I don't want to be dependent...but water is just so boring.

;)