yikes

three tests in one day. And I'm ADHD-ing the hell out of my studying. Let's see, I

vacuumed my room
called my mother
cut my nails
called my father
texted my friends
checked my email
and am now writing this blog post. Which will probably be the only one of the month...hey. At least there's one a month now.

So, ok, Italian'll be easy. I pretty much just have to look over the stuff really quick before the test. SLA--I think I can piece it together. I mean, I'm not 100 % yet. But after reading through my notes two or three more times...who knows?
But Grammar. Oh, Grammar. WHY MUST YOU BE SO UNNECESSARILY DIFFICULT?!?

Le sigh.

you are you

glorious motherfucking you.

i remember

going to the flower shop on my 17th birthday and asking to go into their cooler so I could smell all of the flowers. And I stepped inside, and breathed in deep, and it wasn't the same as when there are flowers sitting there on the table waiting for you to lean in and inhale them, but they were still flowers, and it still made me happy.

I remember going to my biological grandfather's wake with my grandmother, driving for 3 hours to and from, and then going back the next day with my father to the man's funeral and not being a bit sad, but going because my family needed me. The man only sent me one card in my entire life, and the man spelled my name "Hilery." I remember being angry when there were all of these people there who the man loved and who loved the man when the man couldn't even pick up the phone to call his own children. I was angry when I met my father's half-brother who looked so much like him, and I was angry when one of the constituents of the church at the funeral said that it sure was a shame that his biological family never showed the man any love.

I remember going to my real grandfather's funeral, and being so sad that I felt like I literally could not stand up. But since I was not blood, since I was just Carol's granddaughter, I had no right to sit in that front pew, even though he was the only man who was there for me other than my father. I remember seeing him on his deathbed, still sniping at my grandmother that she made his grits too hot even though he was too weak to open his eyes. I remember seeing him laid in his casket in a marine uniform with his Masonic ring, and I remember the tombstone where he was buried beside his second wife, though he lived with my grandmother from the time my older brother was born.

I remember standing in front of the tattoo parlor, wanting to add his name to my tattoo, but being unable to walk inside. I didn't want to associate him with so much pain.

Every day that I wake up, I think about the people in my life who died before they could have made a difference, or the ones who were alive and should have made a difference but didn't. And I wonder how much my life would be different if life had gone the way it does in movies, if it weren't a messed up game of mix and match and if everything smelled like flowers on the coffee table.

my apartment

has decorations. And it's exciting.

I have my balance between my job and my school, even though I'm working/schooling every day of the week. Them's the breaks, though.

I'm digging this new linguistics path I'm on. Considering dropping the double major of English/linguistics and just going for linguistics. The thing is, I still don't know what I'd be able to do with that. Better than teaching, though, that's for sure.

Cake balls: I'm going to make them. Soon. And I cooked dinner...I'm feeling this domestic thing.

It's kinda weird, but I feel like I wouldn't mind living alone. Except for the fact that it'd be too easy for me to just become a hermit. Thoughts, thoughts.

Let's see, what else....I'm sure there's a ton, but nothing of huge significance. New camera. Too much homework all the time, none of which I've done for the night even though when I get home from work tomorrow I'll be exhausted. The snowstorm at the beginning of the year coincided with the first week of classes, which were mostly canceled, and now they're scrambling to catch up. Bought some stuff online today: deck of cards, CD.

OH! I saw Burlesque. Favorite. Movie. Ever. First of all, the musical scenes are AMAZING. No, seriously. (Well, except for Cher's. That's just awful. Cannot believe her song won the Golden Globe). Then, there's the dialogue. "I was there when you were throwing up everything but your memories!" Thirdly, Cam Gigandet and his fine self. And finally: Alan Cumming. No, honestly, this is the best movie I've seen. Ever.

I think I'm much better at this when I'm at my least emo, but unfortunately, I don't ever feel like writing anymore when I'm all chipper and whatnot.

i'm just not sure

What should be happening. Or, more specifically, I know what other people think should be happening, and I know what's going on with the majority of people, and what's expected of me.

I'm just not too sure how to get to that point. I need a kick, a jump-start.

So probably what I'm looking at is awkwardly bumbling around.

HA! Like that's new.

being home

is not as fun as it used to be. The change from dorm to apartment means that I have my own room, and now I realize that I have so much more privacy. Which, being the homebody that I am, I enjoy. And now that I have a job again (thank GOD), I see myself coming home less and less.

But, on the bright side, I get to see the people I love. So that's nice.

4 As and 2 A-s this semester!

dear school

I don't know if you know this, but it's Thanksgiving break.
Which means that no, I don't want to do this
Women's Studies paper or
English paper or
English forum or
Linguistics essay or
Italian work or
Psychology project or
theater project.

But I guess, if you're going to be such a dick about it...


Sincerely,
H