Is it bad that I absolutely love the Charlie's Angels movies? As in, I could watch them a million times and not get tired of them. Although, the endings do desire a little bit more originality. Other than that...gold. But I suppose I don't have the world's most discerning taste, I do like "Baby" and Linda Howard.
I've been writing again. I think it's easier when I'm living alone, in the zone, in this state of inertness. That'll end tomorrow, when one of the roommates returns, but I've got myself yet again the beginnings of another story. A story that I'll probably never finish.
Maybe I should just stick to short stories.
Other than that, I've just been reading, watching movies, and organizing our cabinets. I wish I had the supplies to cook or bake something intricate, but my funds are running low because no summer job. If I hadn't worked all last semester, I don't know where I'd be right now. And as much as I love my parents, I sometimes just wish I could be like all of these other college students who've been to other countries and done amazing things and actually have vacations. And of course, their parents pay and they get out of college debt free, with a clean state.
But, such is life. Other than the occasional bouts of crippling depression, it's hard to really complain, except to say that I haven't done anything particularly earth-shattering in my life. But, again, such is life.
It'll probably look up.
6.01.2011
5.21.2011
all alone
In order to graduate a year early, it's necessary for me to take summer classes. So for this past week, I've been at my apartment, by myself, with no roommates or any of my few friends who live in Athens.
And on the one hand I love it. I love feeling so independent, and being responsible for everything that I do. There are nobody's messes that I have to look with, no carefully negotiating who gets control of the television--it's very nice.
On the other hand, I am absolutely numb with loneliness. I feel like I forget the effect that depression has on me until it happens again. There are twisting vines squeezing any semblance of a human being out of me, and I can never fight it without the help of my friends or my family.
And now I don't even have them.
So melodramatic. But it's the only time I ever write is when I'm trying to fight this thing, so real, like a Hydra always growing more and more heads until eventually I'm sure it'll swallow me, and no Hercules will save me.
And on the one hand I love it. I love feeling so independent, and being responsible for everything that I do. There are nobody's messes that I have to look with, no carefully negotiating who gets control of the television--it's very nice.
On the other hand, I am absolutely numb with loneliness. I feel like I forget the effect that depression has on me until it happens again. There are twisting vines squeezing any semblance of a human being out of me, and I can never fight it without the help of my friends or my family.
And now I don't even have them.
So melodramatic. But it's the only time I ever write is when I'm trying to fight this thing, so real, like a Hydra always growing more and more heads until eventually I'm sure it'll swallow me, and no Hercules will save me.
4.07.2011
yikes
three tests in one day. And I'm ADHD-ing the hell out of my studying. Let's see, I
vacuumed my room
called my mother
cut my nails
called my father
texted my friends
checked my email
and am now writing this blog post. Which will probably be the only one of the month...hey. At least there's one a month now.
So, ok, Italian'll be easy. I pretty much just have to look over the stuff really quick before the test. SLA--I think I can piece it together. I mean, I'm not 100 % yet. But after reading through my notes two or three more times...who knows?
But Grammar. Oh, Grammar. WHY MUST YOU BE SO UNNECESSARILY DIFFICULT?!?
Le sigh.
vacuumed my room
called my mother
cut my nails
called my father
texted my friends
checked my email
and am now writing this blog post. Which will probably be the only one of the month...hey. At least there's one a month now.
So, ok, Italian'll be easy. I pretty much just have to look over the stuff really quick before the test. SLA--I think I can piece it together. I mean, I'm not 100 % yet. But after reading through my notes two or three more times...who knows?
But Grammar. Oh, Grammar. WHY MUST YOU BE SO UNNECESSARILY DIFFICULT?!?
Le sigh.
3.10.2011
2.15.2011
i remember
going to the flower shop on my 17th birthday and asking to go into their cooler so I could smell all of the flowers. And I stepped inside, and breathed in deep, and it wasn't the same as when there are flowers sitting there on the table waiting for you to lean in and inhale them, but they were still flowers, and it still made me happy.
I remember going to my biological grandfather's wake with my grandmother, driving for 3 hours to and from, and then going back the next day with my father to the man's funeral and not being a bit sad, but going because my family needed me. The man only sent me one card in my entire life, and the man spelled my name "Hilery." I remember being angry when there were all of these people there who the man loved and who loved the man when the man couldn't even pick up the phone to call his own children. I was angry when I met my father's half-brother who looked so much like him, and I was angry when one of the constituents of the church at the funeral said that it sure was a shame that his biological family never showed the man any love.
I remember going to my real grandfather's funeral, and being so sad that I felt like I literally could not stand up. But since I was not blood, since I was just Carol's granddaughter, I had no right to sit in that front pew, even though he was the only man who was there for me other than my father. I remember seeing him on his deathbed, still sniping at my grandmother that she made his grits too hot even though he was too weak to open his eyes. I remember seeing him laid in his casket in a marine uniform with his Masonic ring, and I remember the tombstone where he was buried beside his second wife, though he lived with my grandmother from the time my older brother was born.
I remember standing in front of the tattoo parlor, wanting to add his name to my tattoo, but being unable to walk inside. I didn't want to associate him with so much pain.
Every day that I wake up, I think about the people in my life who died before they could have made a difference, or the ones who were alive and should have made a difference but didn't. And I wonder how much my life would be different if life had gone the way it does in movies, if it weren't a messed up game of mix and match and if everything smelled like flowers on the coffee table.
I remember going to my biological grandfather's wake with my grandmother, driving for 3 hours to and from, and then going back the next day with my father to the man's funeral and not being a bit sad, but going because my family needed me. The man only sent me one card in my entire life, and the man spelled my name "Hilery." I remember being angry when there were all of these people there who the man loved and who loved the man when the man couldn't even pick up the phone to call his own children. I was angry when I met my father's half-brother who looked so much like him, and I was angry when one of the constituents of the church at the funeral said that it sure was a shame that his biological family never showed the man any love.
I remember going to my real grandfather's funeral, and being so sad that I felt like I literally could not stand up. But since I was not blood, since I was just Carol's granddaughter, I had no right to sit in that front pew, even though he was the only man who was there for me other than my father. I remember seeing him on his deathbed, still sniping at my grandmother that she made his grits too hot even though he was too weak to open his eyes. I remember seeing him laid in his casket in a marine uniform with his Masonic ring, and I remember the tombstone where he was buried beside his second wife, though he lived with my grandmother from the time my older brother was born.
I remember standing in front of the tattoo parlor, wanting to add his name to my tattoo, but being unable to walk inside. I didn't want to associate him with so much pain.
Every day that I wake up, I think about the people in my life who died before they could have made a difference, or the ones who were alive and should have made a difference but didn't. And I wonder how much my life would be different if life had gone the way it does in movies, if it weren't a messed up game of mix and match and if everything smelled like flowers on the coffee table.
1.26.2011
my apartment
has decorations. And it's exciting.
I have my balance between my job and my school, even though I'm working/schooling every day of the week. Them's the breaks, though.
I'm digging this new linguistics path I'm on. Considering dropping the double major of English/linguistics and just going for linguistics. The thing is, I still don't know what I'd be able to do with that. Better than teaching, though, that's for sure.
Cake balls: I'm going to make them. Soon. And I cooked dinner...I'm feeling this domestic thing.
It's kinda weird, but I feel like I wouldn't mind living alone. Except for the fact that it'd be too easy for me to just become a hermit. Thoughts, thoughts.
Let's see, what else....I'm sure there's a ton, but nothing of huge significance. New camera. Too much homework all the time, none of which I've done for the night even though when I get home from work tomorrow I'll be exhausted. The snowstorm at the beginning of the year coincided with the first week of classes, which were mostly canceled, and now they're scrambling to catch up. Bought some stuff online today: deck of cards, CD.
OH! I saw Burlesque. Favorite. Movie. Ever. First of all, the musical scenes are AMAZING. No, seriously. (Well, except for Cher's. That's just awful. Cannot believe her song won the Golden Globe). Then, there's the dialogue. "I was there when you were throwing up everything but your memories!" Thirdly, Cam Gigandet and his fine self. And finally: Alan Cumming. No, honestly, this is the best movie I've seen. Ever.
I think I'm much better at this when I'm at my least emo, but unfortunately, I don't ever feel like writing anymore when I'm all chipper and whatnot.
I have my balance between my job and my school, even though I'm working/schooling every day of the week. Them's the breaks, though.
I'm digging this new linguistics path I'm on. Considering dropping the double major of English/linguistics and just going for linguistics. The thing is, I still don't know what I'd be able to do with that. Better than teaching, though, that's for sure.
Cake balls: I'm going to make them. Soon. And I cooked dinner...I'm feeling this domestic thing.
It's kinda weird, but I feel like I wouldn't mind living alone. Except for the fact that it'd be too easy for me to just become a hermit. Thoughts, thoughts.
Let's see, what else....I'm sure there's a ton, but nothing of huge significance. New camera. Too much homework all the time, none of which I've done for the night even though when I get home from work tomorrow I'll be exhausted. The snowstorm at the beginning of the year coincided with the first week of classes, which were mostly canceled, and now they're scrambling to catch up. Bought some stuff online today: deck of cards, CD.
OH! I saw Burlesque. Favorite. Movie. Ever. First of all, the musical scenes are AMAZING. No, seriously. (Well, except for Cher's. That's just awful. Cannot believe her song won the Golden Globe). Then, there's the dialogue. "I was there when you were throwing up everything but your memories!" Thirdly, Cam Gigandet and his fine self. And finally: Alan Cumming. No, honestly, this is the best movie I've seen. Ever.
I think I'm much better at this when I'm at my least emo, but unfortunately, I don't ever feel like writing anymore when I'm all chipper and whatnot.
1.01.2011
i'm just not sure
What should be happening. Or, more specifically, I know what other people think should be happening, and I know what's going on with the majority of people, and what's expected of me.
I'm just not too sure how to get to that point. I need a kick, a jump-start.
So probably what I'm looking at is awkwardly bumbling around.
HA! Like that's new.
I'm just not too sure how to get to that point. I need a kick, a jump-start.
So probably what I'm looking at is awkwardly bumbling around.
HA! Like that's new.
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