Have you ever heard a song and hated it, but heard someone sing it live, or even heard another band sing it, and you couldn't wait to hear the song again? It just sounded so good that one time, and every other time you hear it, you can't help but hear a little bit of the time when it was amazing.
I feel like I am that song. Like people absolutely hate me, can't stand me. Then someone else says how cool I am, or I do something out of the ordinary, and all the sudden people like me. Or maybe not even that much.
I guess I'm saying that I feel like I'm not well liked. Not just by school people and the like. But by complete strangers. That maybe I don't have that instant don't hate me feel. Or, rather, I have the instant dislike me look. Eh, I don't know. Lot of self-loathing going on tonight.
I keep thinking about all the things I regret. All the choices I've made that seem to have put me in this situation where I do nothing, see nobody, talk about inanities. I'm not stepping outside the box. I feel like the second I do, I'll get run over by a car or yelled at to go back in.
This is probably nonsensical. It happens.
This past month has been...consuming. I have bought something from every single store I've been in. I haven't spent this much money on myself in forever and it feels...odd. That strange combination of "yay, I have this" and "I spent money I could have put towards something useful." My stomach is churning now, because of it, and I can't make it go away.
The one good thing about this break...well okay, it was actually one of the best breaks I've had in a while...is that there hasn't been any work. No postponing doing a research project, no Calculus homework lurking in the corner. Nothing to make my stomach churn even more than it already is. So that was nice.
I just needed to think. That's why I started this blog in the first place. I forgot about that. I've just been sitting here, letting all these things fester, thinking all these things so hard that they run ruts in my brain. But I have this outlet.
So there's that.
1.04.2009
12.14.2008
another once in a month post in which i catch up
Here goes:
I went to the midnight premiere of Twilight with a lot of friends. Kelsie, Gracie, and I wore matching shirts that said Twilighter on the front and "Edward Cullen...I want that" on the back. After that I got a tattoo of interlocking infinities around my wrist. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but I like it. Then Thanksgiving, the school. Just a bunch of the same, really.
I saw Australia. Everyone kept talking about how it was so Gone With the Wind, which made me want to reread that. The older I get, the more I understand these characters, so that's fun.
Let's see...I turned in my UGA Fellows application, which is a scholarship that pretty much covers full tuition (along with HOPE) and gives me study abroad money. And, you know, I got accepted into UGA. And Oglethorpe. I'm just now finishing my application for...another school. I don't want to say it, but I know I probably won't get in. I just wanted to see if I could.
That's about it. Finals are this week. I've got my hardest three, the ones that are going to take the entire allotted time to take, on the first day, and then the easiest three, which will take, combined, thirty minutes, the next day. But it'll all be over soon.
I feel bad, though. I spent all of the money I had on the tattoo. I have done zero Christmas shopping. None. And it's really kinda lame.
Hopefully, with the break coming up, I'll be able to post more.
Until then.
I went to the midnight premiere of Twilight with a lot of friends. Kelsie, Gracie, and I wore matching shirts that said Twilighter on the front and "Edward Cullen...I want that" on the back. After that I got a tattoo of interlocking infinities around my wrist. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but I like it. Then Thanksgiving, the school. Just a bunch of the same, really.
I saw Australia. Everyone kept talking about how it was so Gone With the Wind, which made me want to reread that. The older I get, the more I understand these characters, so that's fun.
Let's see...I turned in my UGA Fellows application, which is a scholarship that pretty much covers full tuition (along with HOPE) and gives me study abroad money. And, you know, I got accepted into UGA. And Oglethorpe. I'm just now finishing my application for...another school. I don't want to say it, but I know I probably won't get in. I just wanted to see if I could.
That's about it. Finals are this week. I've got my hardest three, the ones that are going to take the entire allotted time to take, on the first day, and then the easiest three, which will take, combined, thirty minutes, the next day. But it'll all be over soon.
I feel bad, though. I spent all of the money I had on the tattoo. I have done zero Christmas shopping. None. And it's really kinda lame.
Hopefully, with the break coming up, I'll be able to post more.
Until then.
11.13.2008
oy vey
Life has been busy, to say the least. I saw Daniel Tosh. He was freaking hilarious. But that wasn't all that I've done this past month (obviously).
I voted. Heck yes I did. I'm not going to say who I voted for, because it's a wee bit personal, but it was fun, nonetheless. I felt all important and whatnot, walking up to that little computer screen. I'm definitely voting in this run-off election. Yep yep.
My writing has taken a turn for the worse. The assignments I've been given have all been structured, and I've forgotten what it's like to just...write. Write whatever I think, I suppose. I've been having some interesting dreams, so I think I can do it. I've just got to find the TIME.
So far this week, I've had mountains of Calculus homework, various meetings/practices, a nine page Spanish book to write, and various other things that took up too much time. I've developed this system where I ignore the stuff as long as I can (as long as it takes for me to start freaking out that I haven't done my homework yet). I haven't done my homework for tonight, yet, if that means anything.
I promise myself that I will have my UGA Fellows application done TOMORROW. If not, then looks like I'm not ever going to college.
Oy vey. There's just too much. Too, too much.
I voted. Heck yes I did. I'm not going to say who I voted for, because it's a wee bit personal, but it was fun, nonetheless. I felt all important and whatnot, walking up to that little computer screen. I'm definitely voting in this run-off election. Yep yep.
My writing has taken a turn for the worse. The assignments I've been given have all been structured, and I've forgotten what it's like to just...write. Write whatever I think, I suppose. I've been having some interesting dreams, so I think I can do it. I've just got to find the TIME.
So far this week, I've had mountains of Calculus homework, various meetings/practices, a nine page Spanish book to write, and various other things that took up too much time. I've developed this system where I ignore the stuff as long as I can (as long as it takes for me to start freaking out that I haven't done my homework yet). I haven't done my homework for tonight, yet, if that means anything.
I promise myself that I will have my UGA Fellows application done TOMORROW. If not, then looks like I'm not ever going to college.
Oy vey. There's just too much. Too, too much.
10.15.2008
counting down
Why do I let so much time pass between posts? I guess I've become accostomed to not writing whenever I feel like I need to, so that could be it. Anyway.
My brother's mom died. That's been...worrying. I know that my brother loved his mother very much, even if they didn't have the best of relationships. I worry about him and Kirstie.
Calculus is kicking my ass. I feel like crying every time I get into the classroom. It's ridiculous.
Writer's workshop isn't fun. Ms. Mitchell used to talk to us, but now that there're more people in there, she doesn't do that. It used to be my favorite class, but now it's edging on least favorite. :(
Actually, truthfully, all my classes are my least favorite. School is my least favorite. How about that? But it's good. I will survive and all that.
Applying for colleges. Very time consuming. And they make me think about stuff, which I don't like to do.
So I guess that's about it for recent events.
This Friday is The Secret Lives of Bees, which was an amazing book.
Next Friday is Daniel Tosh.
Very exciting.
My brother's mom died. That's been...worrying. I know that my brother loved his mother very much, even if they didn't have the best of relationships. I worry about him and Kirstie.
Calculus is kicking my ass. I feel like crying every time I get into the classroom. It's ridiculous.
Writer's workshop isn't fun. Ms. Mitchell used to talk to us, but now that there're more people in there, she doesn't do that. It used to be my favorite class, but now it's edging on least favorite. :(
Actually, truthfully, all my classes are my least favorite. School is my least favorite. How about that? But it's good. I will survive and all that.
Applying for colleges. Very time consuming. And they make me think about stuff, which I don't like to do.
So I guess that's about it for recent events.
This Friday is The Secret Lives of Bees, which was an amazing book.
Next Friday is Daniel Tosh.
Very exciting.
9.23.2008
okay, okay
Sorry. I honestly tried to log on, but everytime it said there was some kind of error. I finally caved in and asked Joey what it was. And in two minutes, he fixes it. Figures.
I actually let out a squeal of joy when it let me log on. I have been starved for a place to outlet. My writing has drifted off, which, I can tell you , is not so good for someone taking three classes in which writing is helpful (one of which is AP Spanish).
That's another thing. School started back. Not exactly the funnest thing in the world. I've got senior-itis in the worst way. Fortunately, my ability to do well is not dependent on my interest, so my grades are pretty good. And I'm trying to almost apply for college. It's a bit long and incredibly expensive, though, so it's taking time.
Almost got a tattoo, but I didn't have the money by the time my 18th birthday came around. Sarah got one, though, and it's really cute. We had a joint birthday party over the break. A lime green jello pool was on the menu. I learned a lot of things about jello that I would not normally have thought of. Like, it burns when it gets in your eyes. And it tints your skin (my toenails are still green for some reason, though it was a few days ago). Kelsie made me this amazing cake in the form of a Jeopardy! scoreboard, which was German chocolate and absolutely delicious. She is just so talented.
I discovered that I love Waffle House hashbrowns a certain way, which is with peppers, mushrooms, and tomatoes. And I like vanilla coke more than cherry coke. And Mr. Pibb is not as good as Dr. Pepper. I am what is classified as a "good" nerd.
Someone in my class is going to be on a certain MTV television show. He wants to be a ladies' man. Of course, with a camera following him around all the time, all the ladies that he wants follow him around anyway. You would think that it would defeat the purpose, but I guess it seems to be working.
I believe the last time I posted was June-ish, and there's just too much to catch up on.
I read Breaking Dawn in one sitting. Stood up all night, went to the midnight release (which was fun, but not, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me. One woman looked out with disdain on anyone who had not been to Forks, WA, which was everyone except for her). I drank four red bulls, and it worked until Saturday, when I was so tired I thought I would throw up. If I recall correctly, that was the weekend before school started, and I still had not finished my summer work. So that was fun. But I did LOVE Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer is such a talented writer. Then I went on to read The Host, which was good in a completely different way. Then, miracle of all miracles, she released Midnight Sun online, which I forsook my Calculus homework for. It was pretty amazing, and I loved it.
Since then, I think I've read about 20 Linda Howard novels. I am addicted to romance novels, I think. But, you know, I'm reading it for the plot. :)
The Dark Knight was really good. But where did the pencil go?
Mamma Mia, I think, was even better, but I'm a sucker for musicals. If Two-Face had sung a song about his interior matching his exterior, maybe it would be on par. But it's not. I saw it the first time with Kelsie and Gracie, and it was a pretty fun day. We had quite a few movie days this summer, and I always had fun. Movies are pretty amazing.
Next week is homecoming week, and I have to think of dress up days. Itll be fun.
I want to just write and write and write, but I am too incredibly tired, and I need to do some major studying.
So, I'm sorry for the whole two of you who have been remiss without my rantings. I will return this time, now that the problem has been located.
Adios.
I actually let out a squeal of joy when it let me log on. I have been starved for a place to outlet. My writing has drifted off, which, I can tell you , is not so good for someone taking three classes in which writing is helpful (one of which is AP Spanish).
That's another thing. School started back. Not exactly the funnest thing in the world. I've got senior-itis in the worst way. Fortunately, my ability to do well is not dependent on my interest, so my grades are pretty good. And I'm trying to almost apply for college. It's a bit long and incredibly expensive, though, so it's taking time.
Almost got a tattoo, but I didn't have the money by the time my 18th birthday came around. Sarah got one, though, and it's really cute. We had a joint birthday party over the break. A lime green jello pool was on the menu. I learned a lot of things about jello that I would not normally have thought of. Like, it burns when it gets in your eyes. And it tints your skin (my toenails are still green for some reason, though it was a few days ago). Kelsie made me this amazing cake in the form of a Jeopardy! scoreboard, which was German chocolate and absolutely delicious. She is just so talented.
I discovered that I love Waffle House hashbrowns a certain way, which is with peppers, mushrooms, and tomatoes. And I like vanilla coke more than cherry coke. And Mr. Pibb is not as good as Dr. Pepper. I am what is classified as a "good" nerd.
Someone in my class is going to be on a certain MTV television show. He wants to be a ladies' man. Of course, with a camera following him around all the time, all the ladies that he wants follow him around anyway. You would think that it would defeat the purpose, but I guess it seems to be working.
I believe the last time I posted was June-ish, and there's just too much to catch up on.
I read Breaking Dawn in one sitting. Stood up all night, went to the midnight release (which was fun, but not, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me. One woman looked out with disdain on anyone who had not been to Forks, WA, which was everyone except for her). I drank four red bulls, and it worked until Saturday, when I was so tired I thought I would throw up. If I recall correctly, that was the weekend before school started, and I still had not finished my summer work. So that was fun. But I did LOVE Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer is such a talented writer. Then I went on to read The Host, which was good in a completely different way. Then, miracle of all miracles, she released Midnight Sun online, which I forsook my Calculus homework for. It was pretty amazing, and I loved it.
Since then, I think I've read about 20 Linda Howard novels. I am addicted to romance novels, I think. But, you know, I'm reading it for the plot. :)
The Dark Knight was really good. But where did the pencil go?
Mamma Mia, I think, was even better, but I'm a sucker for musicals. If Two-Face had sung a song about his interior matching his exterior, maybe it would be on par. But it's not. I saw it the first time with Kelsie and Gracie, and it was a pretty fun day. We had quite a few movie days this summer, and I always had fun. Movies are pretty amazing.
Next week is homecoming week, and I have to think of dress up days. Itll be fun.
I want to just write and write and write, but I am too incredibly tired, and I need to do some major studying.
So, I'm sorry for the whole two of you who have been remiss without my rantings. I will return this time, now that the problem has been located.
Adios.
6.14.2008
man
it's been a while.
I haven't posted anything about anything lately. I guess I just havent had the inclination.
Let's see. So far, I've retaken the SAT and taken the ACT. I'm not going to take either of them again, because they are entirely too long. Plus, administrators are completely incompetent.
Hmm, so other than that...I hung out with Kelsie and Gracie and watched the Other Boleyn Girl, which was sad/disturbing. I also saw Jumper, and I have to say, Hayden Christiansan (sp?) is hot. I would definitely not mind that. Ahhh.
Yeah. Monday I invited Sarah over. She got to get a lot off of her chest, which was really good for her, I think. We took her with us to PC, and even though Partners was closed, we had a good time. We went to Carrabba's instead. Best. Meal. Ever. I LOVE scallops, and they just so happened to have the most delicious scallops I've ever tasted in my entire life. Mmm, mmm good.
I've been reading/rereading a lot of things. I love reading an interesting book for the first time, because I just focus on it and can't put it down. I stay in bed until I've finished it. its great.
Tomorrow we're supposed to all go see the Hulk. I can't decide whether I think it looks lame or good. I guess we'll see. I got bored earlier and looked up movie spoilers for The Happening (which looked good, but sounds really lame), The Strangers (eh), and Made of Honor (I was just curious how it ended). Yeah. I've been that bored.
Lately I've been having these wicked bad headaches that only seem to get worse in the water. Which sucks, because I really like to swim, at least for a while unil it gets boring :)
Gah, my eyes are so tired. Probably because I woke up every hour on the hour last night and finally just stayed awake at 5:30 since I had to wake up at 6:30 anyway and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for much longer. A bit of good came from that, since I got to watch Pirates of the Carribbean (the first one- I don't have the third one and the second one sucked).
I'm excited about seeing Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! They look like pretty good movies.
I have three novels to read and I only really want to read one. One of the I could read and just be done with it if I only had the book. The other one, Invisible Man, is incredibly boring and overly symbolic. And it's not even like The Scarlet Letter where if you cut out the symbolism it was sort of interesting. If you cut out the symbolism, it would still be a horrible story. But the other one is 1984, which is pretty interesting. I just read Brave New World, and it seems already to have similar points.
Chris is moving back home. He needs to save his money. That should be hard, considering this entire family has an extreme problem with self control (concerning food and money). Speaking of which, there's a picture of me on the school website in my white dress when I wasn't paying attention. I look like a giant white balloon. Great.
Hmm. I suppose that's all that I can think of right now. I've been trying to write a story, but it's hard because of our computer situation. I'm writing on Chris's old laptop right now, and it's not exactly the most private of mediums.
Oh, and I'm looking for a job. It's hard, because I am incredibly shy, and it's difficult for me to just walk up in front of other people and ask for a job. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Senior dues, cap and gown, senior trip, senior portraits...the wonderfulness of being a senior, I suppose, will eat at expenses. So that'll be fun, I'm sure.
Mmm. Bye.
I haven't posted anything about anything lately. I guess I just havent had the inclination.
Let's see. So far, I've retaken the SAT and taken the ACT. I'm not going to take either of them again, because they are entirely too long. Plus, administrators are completely incompetent.
Hmm, so other than that...I hung out with Kelsie and Gracie and watched the Other Boleyn Girl, which was sad/disturbing. I also saw Jumper, and I have to say, Hayden Christiansan (sp?) is hot. I would definitely not mind that. Ahhh.
Yeah. Monday I invited Sarah over. She got to get a lot off of her chest, which was really good for her, I think. We took her with us to PC, and even though Partners was closed, we had a good time. We went to Carrabba's instead. Best. Meal. Ever. I LOVE scallops, and they just so happened to have the most delicious scallops I've ever tasted in my entire life. Mmm, mmm good.
I've been reading/rereading a lot of things. I love reading an interesting book for the first time, because I just focus on it and can't put it down. I stay in bed until I've finished it. its great.
Tomorrow we're supposed to all go see the Hulk. I can't decide whether I think it looks lame or good. I guess we'll see. I got bored earlier and looked up movie spoilers for The Happening (which looked good, but sounds really lame), The Strangers (eh), and Made of Honor (I was just curious how it ended). Yeah. I've been that bored.
Lately I've been having these wicked bad headaches that only seem to get worse in the water. Which sucks, because I really like to swim, at least for a while unil it gets boring :)
Gah, my eyes are so tired. Probably because I woke up every hour on the hour last night and finally just stayed awake at 5:30 since I had to wake up at 6:30 anyway and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for much longer. A bit of good came from that, since I got to watch Pirates of the Carribbean (the first one- I don't have the third one and the second one sucked).
I'm excited about seeing Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! They look like pretty good movies.
I have three novels to read and I only really want to read one. One of the I could read and just be done with it if I only had the book. The other one, Invisible Man, is incredibly boring and overly symbolic. And it's not even like The Scarlet Letter where if you cut out the symbolism it was sort of interesting. If you cut out the symbolism, it would still be a horrible story. But the other one is 1984, which is pretty interesting. I just read Brave New World, and it seems already to have similar points.
Chris is moving back home. He needs to save his money. That should be hard, considering this entire family has an extreme problem with self control (concerning food and money). Speaking of which, there's a picture of me on the school website in my white dress when I wasn't paying attention. I look like a giant white balloon. Great.
Hmm. I suppose that's all that I can think of right now. I've been trying to write a story, but it's hard because of our computer situation. I'm writing on Chris's old laptop right now, and it's not exactly the most private of mediums.
Oh, and I'm looking for a job. It's hard, because I am incredibly shy, and it's difficult for me to just walk up in front of other people and ask for a job. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Senior dues, cap and gown, senior trip, senior portraits...the wonderfulness of being a senior, I suppose, will eat at expenses. So that'll be fun, I'm sure.
Mmm. Bye.
6.03.2008
so...
summer is here. And I'm already bored.
Saw Sex and the City. Very good. I cried. Not like, little tears that stuck in my eyes, but rolling down the cheek and soaking my t shirt tears. Oh yeah. Then I read the first chapter of Breaking Dawn. And I've watched that "scene" of the movie. Very nice.
Other than that...kaputz. Random projects have already begun. I cleaned out my notebooks. I could clean out my closet, but that will take an enormous amount of effort. And lately I've just been so tired. No creative juices flowing. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
And now I have to pee for the thousandth time. Tomorrow should be fun. Going to school. What I've always wanted to do. Oh yeah.
Saw Sex and the City. Very good. I cried. Not like, little tears that stuck in my eyes, but rolling down the cheek and soaking my t shirt tears. Oh yeah. Then I read the first chapter of Breaking Dawn. And I've watched that "scene" of the movie. Very nice.
Other than that...kaputz. Random projects have already begun. I cleaned out my notebooks. I could clean out my closet, but that will take an enormous amount of effort. And lately I've just been so tired. No creative juices flowing. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
And now I have to pee for the thousandth time. Tomorrow should be fun. Going to school. What I've always wanted to do. Oh yeah.
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