yo soy yo

2011-09-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

Those summer girls are bright, shiny.

Legs showing, short sleeves, tennis tans.

They smile, baby-whites beneath the

Oh So Blue of their eyes.

Those winter girls are darker, more sure.

Cigarette smoke clouds around the bars and clubs

and their tattoos are the only sleeves they need, though they ask

Santa Baby Leave My Presents Under the Tree.

cinemaphilia

2011-09-04T21:02:00.003-05:00

I just saw The Debt today with Jessica Chastain and Sam Worthington, written by Matthew Vaughan. And I absolutely loved it, though it was a bit slow--mainly, I loved it because it's made me think.

There are so many things that influence who we are and what we do. It's difficult to name just one event that led up to the next: it's not a linear progression. Rather, everything is intrinsic upon everything else.

When we deny ourselves what we want out of fear, is this because of who we are? Is this because of the series of choices and decisions, some our own but mostly those of other people, that have contributed to causing that fear?

At Nathan's funeral, the preacher, a man whose wife had suffered two miscarriages twenty years ago, told his parents, "You're lucky, at least you had twenty years with him." Did he say that because of his own hurt and pain, or did he say that to put things in perspective? I don't particularly believe that you can make your grief a lower portion of your life just because you're lucky you aren't worse off.

I've written so many short stories, from 2 to 20 pages. I can't focus on anything after that 20th page, like I have a block. I write poetry, mostly just angry lines. But I hope that anything I write can be as powerful and thought-provoking as some of these movies that I watch. They have this element of something being withheld from the main character--not as some plot device, but because sometimes, that's just what happens. Something just holds us back.

senior year: take one

2011-08-25T16:45:00.002-05:00

Just started my senior year...filled with 19 hours of classes, long waits for overcrowded buses, and an insane amount of hours at work.

Ahh, this is the life.

Other than that...there really is no other than that. I've come to treasure my alone time, so getting me out of the apartment seems to be a bit of a trick. There's a party tomorrow night that I'll probably be coerced into attending, but I always feel so damn awkward at those things. But still, it's better than looking at the ugly gray carpet in my living room.

Wow, this is sounding bleak. Which isn't new, I suppose. But it's really not all that bad. I really enjoy the classes I'm in--they're all about language and how we use it and how we learn it. It's fascinating and philosophical. And I do love to work, because I love the people, and it forces me to interact with everyone who comes into the dining hall (even if they are all functional idiots). I just dislike the fact that I don't get home until 11, and then I've got homework to do.

So, in short, I'm overworked, overtired, and under-funned. Yeah. I said funned. But it's my last year, so woot woot!

two more days

2011-08-01T16:06:00.002-05:00

I just keep telling myself it's only two more days until I'm done with this class, so all I need to do is suck it up and edit my portfolio to turn it in Wednesday. But editing is always the hardest part, because I have to look back over all of the crap I was thinking and reason it out again. I hate that.

Also, I'm really bad with comma splices and split infinitives.

But, such is life.

writing is something i do when i'm breathing

2011-07-21T12:11:00.002-05:00

I found out last night at about 11 that a good friend of mine in high school died earlier on Wednesday with his younger girlfriend after hydroplaning into a tree on the interstate. I received a text from another friend, telling me, but groggy with sleep as I was, I didn't really process it. When I woke up again a few hours later, she had written back, "This is real." And after that, I realized I'd been dreaming about him. And then I couldn't go back to sleep.

I haven't talked to him regularly since we left high school, but I'd see him every now and again, keep up with his song writing and creative writing on Facebook. It'd always inspire me to want to write something, whenever I would see him post something. His writing is some of the most beautiful stuff I've ever read, and it always made me want to just sit and wonder about how he could have written it.

In high school, he was part of the party/stoner crowd, but he was so damn sweet and funny and handsome that I still liked to sit next to him in our Creative Writing class. He never did his work unless the assignment appealed to him, instead telling us his stories about his most recent drug use and how that worked out for him. If I misspoke, he'd repeat it back and make fun of me. We agreed that if we weren't married by the time we were 34, we'd have a kid together because it'd be the smartest and most good-looking child on the planet. But that's not going to happen.

I've been crying, sobbing really, on and off since 3 o'clock, when I got on the computer and found an actual news article confirming what I was hoping was just a joke gone too far. I can't seem to focus on anything for more than a few minutes, and immediately after I eat something I want to throw it up. There's going to be a double funeral on Saturday for him and his girlfriend, who was only 17 years old and one of the most caring individuals I've ever met. I can't even think the words double funeral without reacting, it's such a heinous idea.

And even though I knew him, I still feel like my grief pales in comparison to his friends, the people who really knew him--I can only imagine that whatever I'm feeling, they're feeling times a thousand. But even without that kind of bond, I do know that I love him, and I took for granted that there was a ray of such goodness and light in the world. It just breaks my heart.

kick in the pants

2011-07-09T08:02:00.002-05:00

10 things about my life in the last month:

I ordered HBO. And it is delicious. True Blood ftw.
I have gotten all A's in my classes, from Spring semester to the classes I've already finished over the summer.
I screwed up the courage to ask a guy out! But that didn't work out...
I have slightly gotten over my fear of calling people on the phone, which I think is more to do with sounding like an idiot or wasting someone's time.
I am writing a paper right now, that I started at 11 pm on a Friday night, about William Wordsworth, which I think is shaping up to be one of the better papers I've written.
My roommate is moving out, and a new, cake-decorating one is moving in. Variety is the spice of life and all that jazz.
I've gone to the dollar theater so many times that the attendant actually recognized me last night. It also doesn't help that I tend to change into the same slightly ratty t-shirt when I get out of Friday class.
This September, when I turn 21, I'm going to see Wicked at the Fox! I'm sure it's nothing like New York...but I don't live in New York, so it doesn't really matter, now, does it?
One of my good friends is incredibly, seriously sick. She's not able to retain any nutrients, and her already stick-thin figure is starting to look emaciated. It's scary, and for the first time it was like that realization that you hear about, that we aren't invincible and bad or inexplicable things happen to good people.
The reason that I'm writing this paper earlier in the weekend (it's due Monday, so I probably could have started it a bit earlier) is that I want to bake some more. It's like I'm addicted to having baked goods in the apartment. There are TWO white chocolate truffle cakes in the fridge (one of which is headed to my parents, but still). And I really want to try pretzel bread again, with different toppings than just salt. But I cannot bake until I write this paper. And I cannot write this paper until I give a happy and upbeat update for once in my life!

be invisible

2011-06-01T17:40:00.004-05:00

Is it bad that I absolutely love the Charlie's Angels movies? As in, I could watch them a million times and not get tired of them. Although, the endings do desire a little bit more originality. Other than that...gold. But I suppose I don't have the world's most discerning taste, I do like "Baby" and Linda Howard.

I've been writing again. I think it's easier when I'm living alone, in the zone, in this state of inertness. That'll end tomorrow, when one of the roommates returns, but I've got myself yet again the beginnings of another story. A story that I'll probably never finish.

Maybe I should just stick to short stories.

Other than that, I've just been reading, watching movies, and organizing our cabinets. I wish I had the supplies to cook or bake something intricate, but my funds are running low because no summer job. If I hadn't worked all last semester, I don't know where I'd be right now. And as much as I love my parents, I sometimes just wish I could be like all of these other college students who've been to other countries and done amazing things and actually have vacations. And of course, their parents pay and they get out of college debt free, with a clean state.

But, such is life. Other than the occasional bouts of crippling depression, it's hard to really complain, except to say that I haven't done anything particularly earth-shattering in my life. But, again, such is life.

It'll probably look up.

all alone

2011-05-21T18:55:00.002-05:00

In order to graduate a year early, it's necessary for me to take summer classes. So for this past week, I've been at my apartment, by myself, with no roommates or any of my few friends who live in Athens.

And on the one hand I love it. I love feeling so independent, and being responsible for everything that I do. There are nobody's messes that I have to look with, no carefully negotiating who gets control of the television--it's very nice.

On the other hand, I am absolutely numb with loneliness. I feel like I forget the effect that depression has on me until it happens again. There are twisting vines squeezing any semblance of a human being out of me, and I can never fight it without the help of my friends or my family.

And now I don't even have them.

So melodramatic. But it's the only time I ever write is when I'm trying to fight this thing, so real, like a Hydra always growing more and more heads until eventually I'm sure it'll swallow me, and no Hercules will save me.

yikes

2011-04-07T19:21:00.002-05:00

three tests in one day. And I'm ADHD-ing the hell out of my studying. Let's see, I

vacuumed my room
called my mother
cut my nails
called my father
texted my friends
checked my email
and am now writing this blog post. Which will probably be the only one of the month...hey. At least there's one a month now.

So, ok, Italian'll be easy. I pretty much just have to look over the stuff really quick before the test. SLA--I think I can piece it together. I mean, I'm not 100 % yet. But after reading through my notes two or three more times...who knows?
But Grammar. Oh, Grammar. WHY MUST YOU BE SO UNNECESSARILY DIFFICULT?!?

Le sigh.

you are you

2011-03-10T07:17:00.001-05:00

glorious motherfucking you.

i remember

2011-02-15T17:33:00.005-05:00

going to the flower shop on my 17th birthday and asking to go into their cooler so I could smell all of the flowers. And I stepped inside, and breathed in deep, and it wasn't the same as when there are flowers sitting there on the table waiting for you to lean in and inhale them, but they were still flowers, and it still made me happy.

I remember going to my biological grandfather's wake with my grandmother, driving for 3 hours to and from, and then going back the next day with my father to the man's funeral and not being a bit sad, but going because my family needed me. The man only sent me one card in my entire life, and the man spelled my name "Hilery." I remember being angry when there were all of these people there who the man loved and who loved the man when the man couldn't even pick up the phone to call his own children. I was angry when I met my father's half-brother who looked so much like him, and I was angry when one of the constituents of the church at the funeral said that it sure was a shame that his biological family never showed the man any love.

I remember going to my real grandfather's funeral, and being so sad that I felt like I literally could not stand up. But since I was not blood, since I was just Carol's granddaughter, I had no right to sit in that front pew, even though he was the only man who was there for me other than my father. I remember seeing him on his deathbed, still sniping at my grandmother that she made his grits too hot even though he was too weak to open his eyes. I remember seeing him laid in his casket in a marine uniform with his Masonic ring, and I remember the tombstone where he was buried beside his second wife, though he lived with my grandmother from the time my older brother was born.

I remember standing in front of the tattoo parlor, wanting to add his name to my tattoo, but being unable to walk inside. I didn't want to associate him with so much pain.

Every day that I wake up, I think about the people in my life who died before they could have made a difference, or the ones who were alive and should have made a difference but didn't. And I wonder how much my life would be different if life had gone the way it does in movies, if it weren't a messed up game of mix and match and if everything smelled like flowers on the coffee table.

my apartment

2011-01-26T19:09:00.002-05:00

has decorations. And it's exciting.

I have my balance between my job and my school, even though I'm working/schooling every day of the week. Them's the breaks, though.

I'm digging this new linguistics path I'm on. Considering dropping the double major of English/linguistics and just going for linguistics. The thing is, I still don't know what I'd be able to do with that. Better than teaching, though, that's for sure.

Cake balls: I'm going to make them. Soon. And I cooked dinner...I'm feeling this domestic thing.

It's kinda weird, but I feel like I wouldn't mind living alone. Except for the fact that it'd be too easy for me to just become a hermit. Thoughts, thoughts.

Let's see, what else....I'm sure there's a ton, but nothing of huge significance. New camera. Too much homework all the time, none of which I've done for the night even though when I get home from work tomorrow I'll be exhausted. The snowstorm at the beginning of the year coincided with the first week of classes, which were mostly canceled, and now they're scrambling to catch up. Bought some stuff online today: deck of cards, CD.

OH! I saw Burlesque. Favorite. Movie. Ever. First of all, the musical scenes are AMAZING. No, seriously. (Well, except for Cher's. That's just awful. Cannot believe her song won the Golden Globe). Then, there's the dialogue. "I was there when you were throwing up everything but your memories!" Thirdly, Cam Gigandet and his fine self. And finally: Alan Cumming. No, honestly, this is the best movie I've seen. Ever.

I think I'm much better at this when I'm at my least emo, but unfortunately, I don't ever feel like writing anymore when I'm all chipper and whatnot.

i'm just not sure

2011-01-01T22:43:00.002-05:00

What should be happening. Or, more specifically, I know what other people think should be happening, and I know what's going on with the majority of people, and what's expected of me.

I'm just not too sure how to get to that point. I need a kick, a jump-start.

So probably what I'm looking at is awkwardly bumbling around.

HA! Like that's new.

being home

2010-12-22T09:48:00.003-05:00

is not as fun as it used to be. The change from dorm to apartment means that I have my own room, and now I realize that I have so much more privacy. Which, being the homebody that I am, I enjoy. And now that I have a job again (thank GOD), I see myself coming home less and less.

But, on the bright side, I get to see the people I love. So that's nice.

4 As and 2 A-s this semester!

dear school

2010-11-22T09:01:00.003-05:00

I don't know if you know this, but it's Thanksgiving break.
Which means that no, I don't want to do this
Women's Studies paper or
English paper or
English forum or
Linguistics essay or
Italian work or
Psychology project or
theater project.

But I guess, if you're going to be such a dick about it...

Sincerely,
H

I think

2010-10-21T18:24:00.002-05:00

technically what I'm doing is called "eating your feelings," but I call it making my stomach less lonely.

I'm tired. I'm tired of school, of doing school work, of sitting here acting like any of this shit actually matters when I know that it doesn't. The petty dramas, the waiting by the phone. How could I be so stupid, to expect him to say yes?

Yes, it's about a boy. When is it not, is what I'd like to know? A stupid, ridiculous boy (who just so happens to complement me so perfectly it's amazing). Nope, it can't be about anything meaningful.

It's times like this that I feel like a stranger in my own home. In my very apartment. My roommates look at me like I've lost my mind, and I find myself explaining things away. Oh, I don't mean to say that, I'm just in a bad mood, I didn't sleep much last night, this girl in my class annoyed me, I ate some bad meat, I'm not hungry right now, no I'm not mad at you.

It's all just...ridiculous.

I'm going to go look at Jupiter, now.

hungry

2010-10-19T14:31:00.002-05:00

At times like this:
When there's no work to do
When I've read the next chapter
When I've checked the items off the list
When I've finished the book.
When I have baked and I have cooked: I am hungry.

Hungry for something else.
Hungry for a new adventure.
Sit, sit, sit on the bench, sure,
But you will never remember
What they took from you.
The working and the reading and the checking and the finishing and the baking and the cooking--
You're not normal, and you hunger
For the words danger danger danger.

books

2010-10-16T16:05:00.002-05:00

Growing up, I was surrounded by books. My parents' house has at least a book shelf per room, and I schlep a few select novels with me every time I come to Athens. My favorite Disney character was Belle, who made literacy look like something to be valued and loved (along with having a kick-ass voice).

Even today, when I spend hundreds of dollars on textbooks, I love them. I love the books that I think are poorly written or the books that have a ridiculous story line. Sad, happy, romantic, suspenseful, long, short...it's a thing that I invest my time in. I spend hours, days, weeks with a book. I know its characters, its typos, the sound the binding makes when I crack it open. I dog-ear the pages, leave them lying open, taking them to the gym with me, and drink (and spill) coffee while reading. My books look like they've survived wars, some with pages missing and others black with my furious ballpoint scribblings. Old and used or new and pristine, a book has a specific smell to it that I always breathe in. I breathe in that book smell and I know that, for at least a few minutes, I'm going to be elsewhere.

When I loan a book to someone, I'm excited. I know it's a bit extreme, but it's almost like having a child and sending it out into the world--you're not sure if it's going to be accepted by everyone it meets, and even though you love it with all of your heart, it might be rejected. Ignored. Hated, even. So when a friend asks me if I know of any good books, I think hard about what they're like and what book would be right for them. What book could I send out to this person and have them accept it for what it is?

Anyway.

3 weeks in

2010-09-07T06:11:00.002-05:00

I absolutely love having an apartment. It's not nearly as bad as last year: I can sleep at the drop of a hat. Sharing a room all of the time was hell on my nerves, but now I've got a room all to myself. A room I can decorate. One with a normal bed that's not a billion feet off the ground. So this is much, much better.

The classes...so far, there still hasn't been anything too difficult, though that tends to build up over the semester. The further along it is, the more work there is, you know. Mainly, there's just a lot of reading involved. Seems pretty humdrum so far.

Friday I went to Pine Mountain with the family because there was a hot air balloon festival. We only went for the one night, when they set the balloons up and did a hot air balloon glow for about 20 minutes (even though it was supposed to be an hour, and they started half an hour early). People were still arriving when it was over, which made me kind of sad. But we got a ton of pictures, and it was just so pretty.

Soon though, it'll be my birthday. And it'll be awesome.

A Rating of My Classes

2010-08-20T07:02:00.002-05:00

Class: Linguistics
Difficulty: None
Professor: Not hot, but funny. Boring at times, since it's easy to drift off to the sound of his voice.
Overall: Excited

Class: ENGL 400
Difficulty: Very
Professor: Cute and funny, very entertaining
Coursework: A shit ton.

Class: Italian
Difficulty: Negative a million
Professor: Woman, but really very nice.
Overall: Another breezy semester of italiano

Class: Women's Studies
Difficulty: As yet to be determined. Syllabus points to very, prof points to medium.
Professor: Bat-shit insane feminist.
Overall: Good God, are you sure it's too late to drop this class?!

Class: Theater
Difficulty: I'm...not sure. Haven't really been told what we're doing. Why?
Professor: A wind-bag. Talks a lot about himself and how he has studied some dying form of Indian performance sign language that only 16 other people study BECAUSE HE'S SO INTO PRESERVING THE ARTS.
Overall: I think I can survive it.

Class: Psychology
Difficulty: Well, there aren't any tests, but the science stuff is going over my head, and that's a big deal these first few weeks since we do have graded assignments on them.
Professor: A 10 out of 10 on the hot scale. Seriously, I don't know how I lucked out with so many hot teachers, since I've only had the one before, but damn. Also, we aren't allowed to call him by his last name. Also, did I mention he doesn't "believe" in tests? Which is just fine, since I don't either.
Overall: Though I did find myself nodding off in class yesterday, like I said, it's because of the science stuff. Once we get past these first few weeks, I think we'll be alright.

So that brings the total to 6 classes, two female profs, two hot guys, one hot TA, and two boring profs. Let's see how it goes.

college: take two

2010-08-19T17:45:00.002-05:00

So I'm at UGA. It's cool. Kinda just been bouncing around classes, not really retaining anything. No real work yet, I guess.

Trying to get a job at the school newspaper, which they make freaking ridiculously hard. But that'll be cool.

Also I've exercised twice now. Which is more than I've ever done that before. So hope that works out.

I don't know. Still don't have a job. Working on that, though.

I feel like I should be happy, because life's not that difficult right now, but I'm just so busy worrying about when the other shoe will drop that I can't enjoy it.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

insured

2010-07-15T20:23:00.001-05:00

No job, my teeth healed fine, and I'm stressed about money for school and the amount of books I'm supposed to read this semester for my English classes.

Yep.

my teeth

2010-05-22T17:11:00.002-05:00

have been removed. All of yesterday, I was just laying there, drooling blood, and I've been told that it was pretty gross. And then today, I feel much better, but still not close to 80 %. At least I don't have to have my mouth packed, though I do have to keep putting heat packs on it. I haven't taken any pain pills and I've been able to eat, so that's good.

Here's hoping that tomorrow I feel better still, and can actually stand up for more than a few minutes. Not that laying down all day has been bad. Except, you know, it's kinda boring. I've never been one able to doze off all day, so I've pretty much been laying here. And to top it off, my family keeps bringing home all of this delicious food, and all I can eat are mashed potatoes and soup. Lames.

On the bright side, I now have a total of two job interviews this week: Domino's and Payless. I'm hoping more for the Payless one, since I think that'll be more money. Plus, you know, food service...kinda over it. But yeah. I also got a job interview with Six Flags...tomorrow. And since they said no rescheduling, and I can barely talk, I had to turn it down. Oh well. It was a long drive anyway.

Okay. So there's that. Hoping I can get a job in the next few days and still be able to attend my friends'/cousin's graduations. That'd be peachy.

these are a few of my least favorite things

2010-05-20T08:27:00.003-05:00

I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow.
And hopefully I will have healed enough to go to my job interview for Domino's on Tuesday. Or I'll just show up looking and feeling like a crackhead.

I applied for a bunch of jobs online the other day. One of them was for the company called Vector. Stupid me, I didn't really look into what they were about until after the CALLED me and set up an interview with me. When I realized that it was a telemarketing job, I cancelled my appointment. But they still keep calling me. Going to have to deal with that, but there is just no way I could be a telemarketer. I mean, unless I had to.

10 (good) pages down.

do you know what it feels like for a girl?

2010-05-14T21:04:00.001-05:00

Just listening to that song. In my head.

I feel like writing. I feel like actually writing a novel this summer. I'm going to do it, too, dammit. If it kills me. So far, it seems like I'm going to have a lot of free time. I mean, I need to work. But I haven't found a job. So until that happens, I have no money, and nowhere to go. So yeah. There's that.

But I'm feeling the creative juices flowing right now. I think they're slowly ebbing away, but I hope I can find them. At least enough to do an outline of what I need for a story. Something that I could flesh out, maybe. Ugh, it's so frustrating. Half the time it feels like I want to write, and the other half it feels like I want to write in order to make money. When the second half comes out, I can't ever think of anything. Not because it's not pure, but because it puts so much pressure on me. "This next word will be my future." When I just let go and write, I'm told my stuff is fairly good. Probably because it's vaguely shocking.

Anyway. I need to write something other than my thoughts. But hopefully that means I'll be writing more in this blog. That nobody reads. Even my best friend forgot about it. But that's okay. I like the anonymity. It's freeing.

it's a snellabration!

2010-05-03T21:56:00.002-05:00

For the first (and last) time, I'm sitting at the only all night dining hall on campus eating pizza and "studying." And by that I mean writing in my blog, because it's just been so long since I've done it. Not as long as I've gone previously, but still...

It's almost the end of my first year of college. Is it sad that I don't want to leave, now? I mean, I guess I've been able to separate the fact that no, I don't really like staying at home for the majority of my time. I do miss my friends, though. So it'll be fun seeing them.

In fact, we're going to have a late Wizarding Independence Day party to celebrate Harry Potter's defeat of Voldemort 12 years ago. Yeah, I know, we're nerds. But there will be a Hogwarts castle cake. And I get to hand out with all of my friends, did I mention that? It'll be good times, even if we don't do anything, which is awesome.

I've been kinda disappointed lately. I don't have a job (and I don't have one lined up for next semester, like I'd planned to do). Wednesday we went salsa dancing, and I seem to have been the only one in there who nobody wanted to dance with, which was downright embarrassing. Ugh, but I guess I'll go again, if only to break myself out of my studying stupor.

Speaking of which...I should probably work on that.

Later.

so...

2010-04-07T20:49:00.002-05:00

This is awkward. The return. Sure, it's April. Sure, several months have passed. But I mean, it's not that I don't love you anymore. Because I do: I SO do. I just have other things on my mind.

Like, not being motivated to write.

But anyway. Here I am. Writing. Realizing that even if I can't write creatively, I mean, I still have the ability to type. Seriously. So. My life.

Signed up to keep going to UGA next semester, so that's cool. Actually, I'm signed up for 18 hours. Probably going to be terrible. But, you know, aiming to get done in 3 years. Not that it'll do me much good. But yep. Hoping that it's going to happen. I've also decided to live off campus with Katie and two other friends in an apartment. Hoping that that's going to work out.

Kinda worried about financial aid. Not too sure if it's going to come together, and also, can't find out how to fix it. Agggggh. Gotta work on that. Also gotta work on finding a job for the summer. Gotta be honest, kinda relying on my mom to hook me up. If she can't, then I don't know what I'm going to do. Try to work for Captain D's again, maybe. Look for a job in Peachtree City, since it might be a good idea to live with my grandmother for the summer. Like always, though, I'm all thinking, no action.

Ok. So, that about wraps up my life. Going out, being broke. Good stuff.

here it goes again

2010-01-07T20:07:00.003-05:00

So I'll start off by my usual amount of bellyaching and depressing thoughts. I just don't want to be here. I feel this...weight on my chest, like a kind of physical grief. And the worst thing is, I don't understand why exactly. I put most of it on the fact that I miss my family terribly, I miss the way of life I've established for the first 18 years of my life. I'm thrown here with no friends, and I'm a terribly shy person. I don't know. I've got a weekend looming ahead and I'm not particularly looking forward to it as I have nothing to do really. When I'm in class, I'm fine, but outside of class....bleh. And there also happen to be these people downstairs from us that play their music ridiculously loud. And even when they aren't playing it, I'm afraid that they will, which makes me panic. I can't seem to relax when I'm here, I suppose. And it's driving me nuts. I have huge under eye circles and can't sleep. I don't know what to do.

Okay, on to the good news. New Years' was awesome. I spent the night at Sarah's, hung around with some decent people, and got to hang out with Kelsie all night. Then we had a repeat New Years' the following Saturday, which was even better. There was also a family reunion deal thing, with a bunch of people that I think are funny as opposed to the relatives that I can't stand, so that was nice. And tons of Partner's Pizza. Good stuff.

Think positive.

over it

2009-12-22T07:57:00.002-05:00

So, I've been obsessed with this boy for a year. I just realized how long it's been. But NOTHING has come of it. So I decided last night that I just need to let it go. I have this problem with not being able to do that, but I think I'm going to be able to accomplish this. I think that what my problem is is that when The Flirtation started, it was incredibly fun. But it ended so quickly that there are only a handful of those incredibly fun times.

I guess that seal for me believing that I actually could let this go was when I saw him Saturday, after not seeing him for a few months. He had a girlfriend now, the complete opposite of me, and even though I'll admit that yes, he did look so very hot, it didn't cause me any pangs or anything. Sure, the PDA they had going on made me uncomfortable, but I'm just like that around any PDA, so that's not really the big issue. It was a sign, though, that I could finally stop talking about this nonsense. Which is actually somewhat of a relief.

Anyway, other than that, life's been...decent. Ha, I can let go obsessing about a boy, but I can't let go not liking school. But it's whatever. I got two Bs this semester, my first ever, which on the surface I know is fine, but it still kinda hit my ego hard. Next semester is going to be intense, but maybe that's a good thing. I've always focused better when I have a lot on my plate.

But I'm enjoying this break. Even though, contrary to my wishes, I do have work to do for school. I thought, being in college, that wouldn't happen, but one of my professors from next semester asked us to get the textbook (a WEEK before Christmas...yeah, because that's going to get here in time, sure) and read the first chapter. It's not that bad, I don't have the book yet, so it's not like there's anything I can do about it.

So I'm okay for right now. It seems like I ignore this blog, but I visit it every day. I just don't ever write anything unfortunately. Hopefully, I'll post again before the New Year, but if I don't, have a great one!

the day after tomorrow

2009-10-04T11:15:00.003-05:00

What a crazy, ridiculous movie. I love it to death, but it's just so ludicrous. "The cold's gonna getcha! Watch out!" Please.

Now that things have settled down, I find that I can actually envision myself hear next year. I still truly hate the work, and you couldn't say I have many friends here that aren't Katie's. But the missing my family thing has lessened, so I can for sure say that that was certainly clouding my judgement.

Going to the games is fun. Being mostly on my own is cool. Living with a ton of other people is not that great. But classes suck.

I'm trying to see what a degree would bring me that I couldn't just get on my own. It's not like anything is a guarantee anymore if you have a degree. Is this constant pressure of school and the like really worth it?

I don't know.

summer lovin'

2009-09-24T18:53:00.001-05:00

I'm incredibly tired. Since I hadn't been sleeping right, I decided maybe caffeine was my problem. So I haven't had any for a few days. And now I'm tired...ALL THE TIME! I have a massive headache, and just...yeah.

This weekend's going to my first home game. I've heard they're pretty intense, so we'll see. UGA vs. Arizona. WOOT! It also happens to be the first Quidditch match of the season (they do that in the Honors dorm...supposedly it's a combination of dodgeball, frisbee, and tag). So it should proved to be an interesting weekend, though I hope I'm able to do a bit of work. The previous weekends I didn't want to have to take work with me (either home or on my fieldtrip) so I worked to do everything beforehand, but since I knew I was staying here I haven't really done much.

If this game goes well, I might stay for the next home game next weekend (LSU...heard those are always fun). If it doesn't, I'll probably end up going home. It seems to be working out that it'll be about every two weeks, at least until the beginning of November. Then I've got that break.

I don't know. I think I might be addicted to home. I talk to my family every day and, like I said, I've been going home every weekend. It's possible that I'm missing a lot, and not liking college any more as a result. But I doubt that. I think I don't like college because I'm just so tired of school.

Unfortunately, this is the only place my thoughts are leading me these days. I wish I had the energy to do more creative writing, but I just haven't had time! I also wish I could find the courage to go out and join a club or something, but I just...don't want to do anything alone, I guess.

But I'm working on it. Pretty damn hard.

Woot.

this hand washes that one too

2009-09-18T09:35:00.002-05:00

Sigh.

Okay, so it's been a while. In my defense, I've been busy. With college. Bleh.

I've gotta say, I'm still not exactly fond of this place. I'm not scared anymore, ha. Just incredibly frustrated I guess. Trying to branch out and do things, meet people, but....it's really annoying. The people here are just not overall receptive of what I have to say. Oh well.

That's pretty much it. I'm failing physics (because, well, it's physics and who understands that?), I have my first philosophy exam later (woot), and then in a few hours it looks like I'm headed home for my birthday weekend.
The last time I went home it was a little weird. Then I came back here, of course, and hated it all over again. I'm just a wishy washy type of girl, I guess.

Oh well. I turn 19 tomorrow. Doesn't really seem like that big of a difference, but gotta go somewhere.

Oy goodness. I think it'll be allright. Keep on keeping on.

i've come up with a plan

2009-08-13T20:06:00.002-05:00

I really think I'm about to waste a year of my life.

I'm so tired of competing. But it's not in my nature to not compete. I'm tired of stressing about school and miscellaneous things. So I came up with an out.

I'm giving this a year. After the year, if I still feel the same (I haven't even had a class yet) I'm going to drop out, get a 9-5 job, and maybe get an apartment or something. I'm more excited about this than I am about college, but it's still a big step, I know.

The thing is, it hurts to breathe. And my arm is shaking.

I'm scared.

leaving

2009-08-05T12:56:00.002-05:00

in a week.

I'm so scared, but I'm starting to get that little hint of excitement. Everything's going to be different, but I absolutely hate change. I think, though, that I'll get used to it in that slow, grudging way that I do. Hopefully. It seems that whenever things change in my life I'm always hesitant to accept it, but it generally does work for the better. Except for 8th grade. *Shudder*

I think, since I can actually get on now that I'm on my computer for school, that I'll be updating pretty regularly from now on.

Money is scaring me. I had $400 at the beginning of the summer and I'm down to $90. I shouldn't have gone on vacation and spent so much money. It was good that I did: Kelsie and Gracie and I got to have our closure and our fun. But now I've still got all of these things I need to buy for school and I can't afford it. I've got a job but I might have already lost it because I haven't checked my uga mail most of the summer. Why can't anyone send stuff by mail anymore, I say? I took out the max amount of loans that I can, but I have no clue when I'm going to get the money to pay for books. Which, you know, is always a good thing. This, and the fact that I just know I'm going to get lost all over campus, are things that keep me up at night.

I'm still tired. I don't know, it's like this whole summer I've been in a fog. I can't get out of it. I was able to snap out for a while, and that was a pretty amazing day. I thought it'd be over then, but no: the fog just crept back over me the next morning.

I'm going to miss all of my friends. M, who I think knows me the absolute best, has already written me off because she doesn't want to work on it while we're in different schools. Kinda hurts. What can you do though?

Oy vey. I've got a caffeine headache. I've been trying to stay away from it since I don't want to be dependent...but water is just so boring.

;)

run around

2009-07-06T20:28:00.002-05:00

I feel so damn lazy. Haven't done much of anything but deplete my savings.

The fourth was awesome. As if it already weren't the greatest holiday in the world, I got to celebrate it TWICE. Once at the Hugh-Hefner-of-Georgia's house (where I rode a helicopter, for crying out loud) and once, of course, at my grandmother's, because that place KNOWS how to celebrate their independence.

Other than that, I'm just sitting around. Dealing with those petty dramas that come up now and again. Randomly thinking of my crush that I'm trying to, pardon the pun, crush because I'm so tired of thinking about what I could have done differently. Waiting to go to Savannah with my friends. Working on putting together a Bellatrix Lestrange costume for HP6 next Tuesday (which I'm totes going to see at midnight).

And avoiding any mention of college at all. Which is unwise. But then again, whoever said I was wise in the first place is what I wanna know.

ooh buddy.

2009-05-31T01:42:00.002-05:00

I am tired.

It seems like I've been awake pretty much for the past two days. I graduated last night, salutatorian and all. It still seems kinda surreal, though last night I felt so...oppressed, I suppose is the word, that I couldn't breathe. My school, being incredibly zealous on the no-fun, non-celebratoriness, allowed nothing to go down. They practically assaulted a kid for clapping too loudly. So at the same time I was glad to be rid of the school, I realized that I had four more years of it, only now I had to start paying. And money, now, seems ever more important.

Ugh. I actually haven't even seen the guy since the last post, which is kinda strange. He's got himself a new girl...I'm trying not to obsess too much about it, but I keep having these lucid dreams. Utterly ridiculous.

No, last night we had a cookout and then I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show for the fourth time with my friends wearing a corset, some fishnets, and my cap. I got a lot of congrats, and the star of the show, Java who plays Frankenfurter, came up to me after and hugged me. I totes quoted RHPS in my speech. And Zoolander. It was cool.

And then today I went to a party where the hostesses never entered the room, hung out at a tattoo place (Sarah works at a new one since her and her boyfriend broke up...it was bound to happen sooner or later), then went to see Up, which I fell asleep in. What I saw of it, though, was adorable. I cried a tad bit.

I am certainly going to try my best to sleep in tomorrow. God knows I need it, ha.

it's been a long ass time

2009-05-17T07:16:00.002-05:00

Sorry. I still check this blog..pretty much daily. I just haven't had the ability to post on it. I've tried a few times, but each time it doesn't work. Here's hoping.

I fell hard for a guy. He didn't fall hard back. Now it's that awkward, "I know you had a crush on me, ha ha" kinda thing going on.

My friends are all leaving. Graduation is less than two weeks away and we're just biding our time in school: nobody's really doing anything. Today, in fact, we find out who valedictorian and salutatorian are. Pretty exciting stuff.

I'm going to UGA. Honors college, though, so there's a bit more prestige than just GO DAWGS to it. I'm going to have to deal with all of that nonsense, though. Kinda worried/scared/excited. I'm sure that's the typical feelings.

It's hard to sum up what's happened in four months of time. So damn much has changed with me. I now have a total of two tattoos. I have a pair of friends who are a couple but they absolutely can't stand eachother. I have a pair of friends who are just too adorable but so dependent on one another that they can't even sleep when their not together. I have a job. I have a bank account.

Oh, the job thing. That's new. I work at Captn D's. It's okay. I come home every day smelling like greasy fish. But that's why God made showers.

I think that's everything. I'm excited.

the queen and i

2009-01-04T20:05:00.003-05:00

Have you ever heard a song and hated it, but heard someone sing it live, or even heard another band sing it, and you couldn't wait to hear the song again? It just sounded so good that one time, and every other time you hear it, you can't help but hear a little bit of the time when it was amazing.

I feel like I am that song. Like people absolutely hate me, can't stand me. Then someone else says how cool I am, or I do something out of the ordinary, and all the sudden people like me. Or maybe not even that much.

I guess I'm saying that I feel like I'm not well liked. Not just by school people and the like. But by complete strangers. That maybe I don't have that instant don't hate me feel. Or, rather, I have the instant dislike me look. Eh, I don't know. Lot of self-loathing going on tonight.

I keep thinking about all the things I regret. All the choices I've made that seem to have put me in this situation where I do nothing, see nobody, talk about inanities. I'm not stepping outside the box. I feel like the second I do, I'll get run over by a car or yelled at to go back in.

This is probably nonsensical. It happens.

This past month has been...consuming. I have bought something from every single store I've been in. I haven't spent this much money on myself in forever and it feels...odd. That strange combination of "yay, I have this" and "I spent money I could have put towards something useful." My stomach is churning now, because of it, and I can't make it go away.

The one good thing about this break...well okay, it was actually one of the best breaks I've had in a while...is that there hasn't been any work. No postponing doing a research project, no Calculus homework lurking in the corner. Nothing to make my stomach churn even more than it already is. So that was nice.

I just needed to think. That's why I started this blog in the first place. I forgot about that. I've just been sitting here, letting all these things fester, thinking all these things so hard that they run ruts in my brain. But I have this outlet.

So there's that.

another once in a month post in which i catch up

2008-12-14T08:55:00.002-05:00

Here goes:

I went to the midnight premiere of Twilight with a lot of friends. Kelsie, Gracie, and I wore matching shirts that said Twilighter on the front and "Edward Cullen...I want that" on the back. After that I got a tattoo of interlocking infinities around my wrist. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but I like it. Then Thanksgiving, the school. Just a bunch of the same, really.

I saw Australia. Everyone kept talking about how it was so Gone With the Wind, which made me want to reread that. The older I get, the more I understand these characters, so that's fun.

Let's see...I turned in my UGA Fellows application, which is a scholarship that pretty much covers full tuition (along with HOPE) and gives me study abroad money. And, you know, I got accepted into UGA. And Oglethorpe. I'm just now finishing my application for...another school. I don't want to say it, but I know I probably won't get in. I just wanted to see if I could.

That's about it. Finals are this week. I've got my hardest three, the ones that are going to take the entire allotted time to take, on the first day, and then the easiest three, which will take, combined, thirty minutes, the next day. But it'll all be over soon.

I feel bad, though. I spent all of the money I had on the tattoo. I have done zero Christmas shopping. None. And it's really kinda lame.

Hopefully, with the break coming up, I'll be able to post more.

Until then.

oy vey

2008-11-13T22:08:00.002-05:00

Life has been busy, to say the least. I saw Daniel Tosh. He was freaking hilarious. But that wasn't all that I've done this past month (obviously).

I voted. Heck yes I did. I'm not going to say who I voted for, because it's a wee bit personal, but it was fun, nonetheless. I felt all important and whatnot, walking up to that little computer screen. I'm definitely voting in this run-off election. Yep yep.

My writing has taken a turn for the worse. The assignments I've been given have all been structured, and I've forgotten what it's like to just...write. Write whatever I think, I suppose. I've been having some interesting dreams, so I think I can do it. I've just got to find the TIME.

So far this week, I've had mountains of Calculus homework, various meetings/practices, a nine page Spanish book to write, and various other things that took up too much time. I've developed this system where I ignore the stuff as long as I can (as long as it takes for me to start freaking out that I haven't done my homework yet). I haven't done my homework for tonight, yet, if that means anything.

I promise myself that I will have my UGA Fellows application done TOMORROW. If not, then looks like I'm not ever going to college.

Oy vey. There's just too much. Too, too much.

counting down

2008-10-15T16:20:00.002-05:00

Why do I let so much time pass between posts? I guess I've become accostomed to not writing whenever I feel like I need to, so that could be it. Anyway.

My brother's mom died. That's been...worrying. I know that my brother loved his mother very much, even if they didn't have the best of relationships. I worry about him and Kirstie.

Calculus is kicking my ass. I feel like crying every time I get into the classroom. It's ridiculous.

Writer's workshop isn't fun. Ms. Mitchell used to talk to us, but now that there're more people in there, she doesn't do that. It used to be my favorite class, but now it's edging on least favorite. :(

Actually, truthfully, all my classes are my least favorite. School is my least favorite. How about that? But it's good. I will survive and all that.

Applying for colleges. Very time consuming. And they make me think about stuff, which I don't like to do.

So I guess that's about it for recent events.

This Friday is The Secret Lives of Bees, which was an amazing book.
Next Friday is Daniel Tosh.

Very exciting.

okay, okay

2008-09-23T20:48:00.003-05:00

Sorry. I honestly tried to log on, but everytime it said there was some kind of error. I finally caved in and asked Joey what it was. And in two minutes, he fixes it. Figures.

I actually let out a squeal of joy when it let me log on. I have been starved for a place to outlet. My writing has drifted off, which, I can tell you , is not so good for someone taking three classes in which writing is helpful (one of which is AP Spanish).

That's another thing. School started back. Not exactly the funnest thing in the world. I've got senior-itis in the worst way. Fortunately, my ability to do well is not dependent on my interest, so my grades are pretty good. And I'm trying to almost apply for college. It's a bit long and incredibly expensive, though, so it's taking time.

Almost got a tattoo, but I didn't have the money by the time my 18th birthday came around. Sarah got one, though, and it's really cute. We had a joint birthday party over the break. A lime green jello pool was on the menu. I learned a lot of things about jello that I would not normally have thought of. Like, it burns when it gets in your eyes. And it tints your skin (my toenails are still green for some reason, though it was a few days ago). Kelsie made me this amazing cake in the form of a Jeopardy! scoreboard, which was German chocolate and absolutely delicious. She is just so talented.

I discovered that I love Waffle House hashbrowns a certain way, which is with peppers, mushrooms, and tomatoes. And I like vanilla coke more than cherry coke. And Mr. Pibb is not as good as Dr. Pepper. I am what is classified as a "good" nerd.

Someone in my class is going to be on a certain MTV television show. He wants to be a ladies' man. Of course, with a camera following him around all the time, all the ladies that he wants follow him around anyway. You would think that it would defeat the purpose, but I guess it seems to be working.

I believe the last time I posted was June-ish, and there's just too much to catch up on.

I read Breaking Dawn in one sitting. Stood up all night, went to the midnight release (which was fun, but not, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me. One woman looked out with disdain on anyone who had not been to Forks, WA, which was everyone except for her). I drank four red bulls, and it worked until Saturday, when I was so tired I thought I would throw up. If I recall correctly, that was the weekend before school started, and I still had not finished my summer work. So that was fun. But I did LOVE Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer is such a talented writer. Then I went on to read The Host, which was good in a completely different way. Then, miracle of all miracles, she released Midnight Sun online, which I forsook my Calculus homework for. It was pretty amazing, and I loved it.

Since then, I think I've read about 20 Linda Howard novels. I am addicted to romance novels, I think. But, you know, I'm reading it for the plot. :)

The Dark Knight was really good. But where did the pencil go?
Mamma Mia, I think, was even better, but I'm a sucker for musicals. If Two-Face had sung a song about his interior matching his exterior, maybe it would be on par. But it's not. I saw it the first time with Kelsie and Gracie, and it was a pretty fun day. We had quite a few movie days this summer, and I always had fun. Movies are pretty amazing.

Next week is homecoming week, and I have to think of dress up days. Itll be fun.

I want to just write and write and write, but I am too incredibly tired, and I need to do some major studying.

So, I'm sorry for the whole two of you who have been remiss without my rantings. I will return this time, now that the problem has been located.

Adios.

man

2008-06-14T18:45:00.002-05:00

it's been a while.

I haven't posted anything about anything lately. I guess I just havent had the inclination.

Let's see. So far, I've retaken the SAT and taken the ACT. I'm not going to take either of them again, because they are entirely too long. Plus, administrators are completely incompetent.

Hmm, so other than that...I hung out with Kelsie and Gracie and watched the Other Boleyn Girl, which was sad/disturbing. I also saw Jumper, and I have to say, Hayden Christiansan (sp?) is hot. I would definitely not mind that. Ahhh.

Yeah. Monday I invited Sarah over. She got to get a lot off of her chest, which was really good for her, I think. We took her with us to PC, and even though Partners was closed, we had a good time. We went to Carrabba's instead. Best. Meal. Ever. I LOVE scallops, and they just so happened to have the most delicious scallops I've ever tasted in my entire life. Mmm, mmm good.

I've been reading/rereading a lot of things. I love reading an interesting book for the first time, because I just focus on it and can't put it down. I stay in bed until I've finished it. its great.

Tomorrow we're supposed to all go see the Hulk. I can't decide whether I think it looks lame or good. I guess we'll see. I got bored earlier and looked up movie spoilers for The Happening (which looked good, but sounds really lame), The Strangers (eh), and Made of Honor (I was just curious how it ended). Yeah. I've been that bored.

Lately I've been having these wicked bad headaches that only seem to get worse in the water. Which sucks, because I really like to swim, at least for a while unil it gets boring :)

Gah, my eyes are so tired. Probably because I woke up every hour on the hour last night and finally just stayed awake at 5:30 since I had to wake up at 6:30 anyway and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for much longer. A bit of good came from that, since I got to watch Pirates of the Carribbean (the first one- I don't have the third one and the second one sucked).

I'm excited about seeing Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! They look like pretty good movies.

I have three novels to read and I only really want to read one. One of the I could read and just be done with it if I only had the book. The other one, Invisible Man, is incredibly boring and overly symbolic. And it's not even like The Scarlet Letter where if you cut out the symbolism it was sort of interesting. If you cut out the symbolism, it would still be a horrible story. But the other one is 1984, which is pretty interesting. I just read Brave New World, and it seems already to have similar points.

Chris is moving back home. He needs to save his money. That should be hard, considering this entire family has an extreme problem with self control (concerning food and money). Speaking of which, there's a picture of me on the school website in my white dress when I wasn't paying attention. I look like a giant white balloon. Great.

Hmm. I suppose that's all that I can think of right now. I've been trying to write a story, but it's hard because of our computer situation. I'm writing on Chris's old laptop right now, and it's not exactly the most private of mediums.

Oh, and I'm looking for a job. It's hard, because I am incredibly shy, and it's difficult for me to just walk up in front of other people and ask for a job. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Senior dues, cap and gown, senior trip, senior portraits...the wonderfulness of being a senior, I suppose, will eat at expenses. So that'll be fun, I'm sure.

Mmm. Bye.

so...

2008-06-03T14:55:00.002-05:00

summer is here. And I'm already bored.

Saw Sex and the City. Very good. I cried. Not like, little tears that stuck in my eyes, but rolling down the cheek and soaking my t shirt tears. Oh yeah. Then I read the first chapter of Breaking Dawn. And I've watched that "scene" of the movie. Very nice.

Other than that...kaputz. Random projects have already begun. I cleaned out my notebooks. I could clean out my closet, but that will take an enormous amount of effort. And lately I've just been so tired. No creative juices flowing. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And now I have to pee for the thousandth time. Tomorrow should be fun. Going to school. What I've always wanted to do. Oh yeah.

seniority

2008-05-31T08:27:00.001-05:00

Haha! School is officially out! I'm pretty excited.

Why, though, does it seem as if I'm always on my period when school's over, so I can't go to the pool? And even then, why does it always seem to rain that first week? Ridiculous.

Graduation was fun. I really enjoyed seeing all of my friends, and I know I'm going to miss them next year.

I need a job. And to actually study for the SAT. And decide what college I'm going to. Very confusing.

Ah. It feels like this is my last summer of freedom. It's exciting.

i'm nervous

2008-05-18T11:50:00.002-05:00

I have to be in a white dress today because I'm an Honor Marshall, which means that I'm in the top percent of my class (which I already knew). I'm nervous. It fits a little tight, and I'm having to hold my breath a bit to sit here and type. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through this entire ceremony. Plus, I'm wearing a little black half jacket that goes really well with the dress. I hope they don't make me take it off, though, because I would feel really self conscious.

I haven't posted in a long time, and for that, I'm sorry. It seems lately I just haven't had the time.

My parent's anniversary was Friday and they're celebrating it today. I'm happy for them.

I've seen Iron Man (excellent), Speed Racer (also excellent) and Prince Caspian (ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!). I wish, though, that Prince Caspian had hooked up with Susan. Like, instead of just one lousy kiss. Gah.

I feel super busy now, even though the next two weeks of school are going to be cake, considering the fact that I'm in a bunch of junior-senior classes, and it's the seniors' last week. It makes me excited about next year, but also nervous.

Okay. So that's my life. I need to go sit in a cool room, because for some reason, I feel like I'm about to faint. That can't possibly be good.

prom

2008-04-26T14:39:00.002-05:00

was fun. I danced, oh yes. I popped it, I locked it, and I dropped it.

I had a good time. My hair was done up in about 60 bobby pins and two cans of hairspray. The purple matched the silver very well. The pictures looked amazing. Good food afterwards. Good fun after fcod. Bad sleep after all that, but I can just sleep later.

Good stuff.

my spring break

2008-04-12T14:41:00.002-05:00

I spent the entire break doing the following:

Being really hot.
Sneezing.
Avoiding writing two writer's workshop assignments, a Spanish essay, and APUSH homework.
Being avoided by my friends for some reason.
Worrying about my car.
Buying prom dress accessories (all silver-it goes with my purple sparkly dress).
Playing video games.
Reading.
Watching TV.
Eating too much out of boredom.

On the plus side, I did write another bitter diatribe that I thought was pretty hilarious. I can't exactly show it to anyone, but it's still funny.

Hmm.

le smarts

2008-04-06T08:19:00.003-05:00

Okay, so my mom is pre-diabetic, which is different in that she thinks she can drink again, but not different in that she still only eats rice cakes. Go figure.

I'm going to retake the SAT (and I'm going to take the ACT, so that'll be fun).

What I really wanted to talk about was the fact that I'm smart. No, I'm not bragging. It's like bragging that you're left-handed or really tall. I see something, I remember it. Now, in the case of Chemistry or Trig, I don't remember how to use it, but I remember it. Plus, since I have no social life, I read a lot and watch way too much television, so I remember all of that info. I can't help that. I am so sick of people saying that I'm just so much smarter than them. Not that I disagree with a lot of them. But it's not fun for me to brag about, because I didn't really earn anything. And it seems to be the only thing I get complimented on, which is lame.

Sigh.

Well, last week, prom fair was a bust. Nobody showed up. And all that day I had worn a suit, which was really hot, and a funny hat for 1920s day. The pep rally ended waaaay too early, so people were restless. Pie in the face went well, but we didn't get a lot of money from it.

T.I. came to our school Friday. He said it was because we were the top school on the list that would most appreciate it. i.e., we're the most ghetto and more than half of the school would listen to every word that he said (and not make fun of it, as the rest of the student population was doing).

Busy busy, but spring break now.

le sigh

2008-03-23T11:19:00.002-05:00

I didn't make it.

Plus, also, my mom has Diabetes.

Plus, also, I bombed the math portion of the SAT.

Plus, also, I failed a chem test.

Plus, also, I have GHSGT all next week.

Plus, also, my Trig teacher is insane so we have a test in her class Monday and Tuesday, directly after another mind-numbing three hour test.

Plus, also, I have to pie Ms. Archer, an overall sweet lady though a little Umbridge-like, in the face.

Plus, also, it's at the pep rally that I have to run on Friday.
The same Friday I have to wear a suit to sixth period.
The same Friday I have to go home and change into black jeans and a white shirt for prom fair.

But maybe next week will be better.

i'm just so tired

2008-03-15T22:21:00.002-05:00

Every day this week when I've been getting home from school I've been taking a nap. I just can't seem to function anymore. Gah.

I've got so much stuff on my mind at night, though, that I don't get to sleep until way late. Which is probably why I've been taking naps.

Gar.

Somebody told me that I looked like crap on Friday. Not that I asked her too, or anything. She just did. And then did that incredibly annoying thing where she acted like SHE was getting attacked when I asked her what she meant by that. She drives me up a wall. Like she has any right to tell other people that they look like crap when she still goes around with huge bows in her hair? Gar again.

I just really need to sleep.

cathedrals

2008-03-05T18:53:00.002-05:00

If I'm salutatorian, my speech will most definitely include knock-knock jokes, Richard Nixon, and E.E. Cummings. I've just decided that.

I'm waiting for the end of the month. I would like very much to go to GHP or to know that I'm not going, that I actually am a failure. I would like ver much to know what I made on the SAT. I would like very much for prom fair to be over. I would like very much for the pep rally to be done. I would like very much for the GHSGT to be past.

I would like that very much, indeed.

hmph

2008-03-01T14:21:00.002-05:00

First of all, happy March!

Second of all, I hate that I had to start the month off with such a long and boring test. Gah. Why can't they just let you take the test straight through? If they'd done that, I would have beat the traffic leaving the place and gotten home an hour earlier! Lame.

Ah. So that's been my day so far. I went to get some Krystal on my way back. I feel like I did okay on it, I guess, but you never can tell with that kind of stuff.

Okay then.

this week

2008-02-22T18:07:00.002-05:00

So this week was mid-winter break. I had a ton of fun, and I don't think I even went out. Well, okay, Monday I went to see Atonement with Gracie. But I got to the movies all the time, so that barely counts. And I've been trying to contact Kelsie in some way so we can hang out, but either she doesn't answer/respond or has to go like, immediately. So I've pretty much been flying solo this week.

It started on Friday. See, I thought I was off to a good start when we actually had a good time in English. But I got home and there was a letter saying I FAILED me Science GHSGT pretest thing. And I couldn't say, "What the hell is this I know I aced this because it was exactly the same as last year," because, duh, no school. So that kinda put me in a sour mood.

But I got over it. I went into cleaning mode. I think I always do during the February break. Got rid of half of my closet, organized my sewing box, rearranged my room. Oh, that alst part was real fun, especially when last night I realized that I positioned my bed underneath the giant leak in the roof. So after shifting my bed a little, I realized I liked my room the way it was before, and re-rearranged it. At least I got some wicked exercise out of it, let me tell you.

Oh, I went through a few days where I cut up my old magazines and made collages. I ended up making four: poster sized, two cardboard, and one mini-poster. So that was interesting.

SAT is in less that a week. I'm kind of nervous. That's probably because I have such high expectations. I'm supposed to get the results back the day I find out about GHP. So that'll be a fun day. Hopefully.

Went to my grandmother's. We went shopping and I got a cute little summer-y dress, some new jeans (which I desperately needed), and Eclipse. And then I read Eclipse like, a thousand times. So that was fun. She gave me an old crossword puzzle book, so I've been working on that a lot. Started reading Anna Karannina (sp?) and Lolita. Then I stopped. So...eh.

Going back to my drippy room with my beautiful rose.

no more

2008-02-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

I decided that I'm going to carry around a notebook. I'm thinking that I should start examining what goes on around me. Or in my free time, I should focus on writing as opposed to reading. I wrote down a few of my ideas and some of my lame haikus.

Plus, also, I think it's living a bit dangerously. I mean, here I am with this notebook that anybody could pick up and read, anybody could just know what I'm thinking about.

I guess it's not that different from this, really. I suspect that my family reads this, though they've never actually mentioned it to me. But who knows? I'm still going to say what I need to say. It's like when you were a little kid and you'd open your eyes during prayer, and some other kid would tell on you. But they saw you, which means that their eyes were open, too. The point being that telling would tell on yourself.

So there's that.

it happens

2008-02-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

The SAT Gods decided to send me to another school to take the exam. Lames. But that's pretty much the worst part of my day, so that's good.

Went to see Juno with Kelsie, Gracie, and Hannah. It was...interesting. And sad. Even some of the previews made me tear up a little, so I kinda figured I was in for a doozy. Then we went to Southlake. Ate lunch. Looked for dresses. Gracie tried on two that looked really good, Kelsie tried on one that looked...weird (though I think she could pull it off) and another that looked pretty cute, if a little tight around the bodonkadonk. I didn't find anything, since stores like that don't tend to carry my size (eh). I'm still waiting to find a dress that truly dazzles me, though. Anyway. We kinda started to wander around aimlessly, so we left Southlake and went to Barnes and Noble. I bought Blood and Chocolate, so that was cool. Then we went home, and I was tired.

I read Blood and Chocolate a little earlier. It was really good. I liked the movie, but it was hardly anything like the book, except for names and the fact that they were werewolves. Ah. I just wished I didn't read so fast sometimes, because now I'm back to being bored. Not that I don't have my pick of classic literature. :)

Ah. So that was fun.

growing up

2008-02-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

is hard to do.

Sigh.

The SAT. I don't want to do it. But I signed up for it. Is that a good idea? I should probably have some idea of what it's about before I take it. Study for it or something like that.

School is lame. What else is new? Registration was today. I'm taking AP Physics over AP Spanish, which makes me sad. I wanted to take Spanish. Sigh.

I guess that's just what you have to do, though.

dearest, darling paper

2008-01-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

The interview was okay. I think I did fine. 33% shot of making it, so I suppose those are somewhat decent odds. 1 out of every 3 people at the interview place will make it. Will I be one of them? Who knows? I really hope so. I'm just so proud that I made it this far.

It started off with me waking up at about 5:30 (1 minute before my alarm clock went off...how weird is that?). Then I got dressed up in my suit and whatnot, looked over my criteria and somehow managed to get my dad out of the house by 6:30 (because I am obsessed with being early, the place was an hour away, and it started at 7:50). But we had to stop at the post office to mail my SAT registration form. And then my dad wanted to get breakfast. And then we missed the turn. And then we got lost at the school, which even though it was built in the BC era, had TWO buildings, and of course, we went to the wrong one, first. So we ended up making it with only 5 minutes to spare, so that was handy.

I checked in, then they got a group of about 15 or 20 people and put us in a very cold room to write an essay in. I wrote a letter from a black pen to a white piece of paper about the connection they had made and the racial tensions that separated them. Eh. I tried to make it funny. Then they shuffled us to a reading room where we read about 6 or 7 passages. After that, I was on my own. I interviewed with two nice-ish ladies (and we only talked a little bit about the reading, so it was a waste of time). I think I made an ass of myself, but I hope it's okay anyway. And then...I was done. After about an hour and a half, me and dad headed home.

And the rest of the day has just been me sitting around watching the first two seasons of Buffy. I have some serious BO and my hair is gross, but I just haven't had the initiative to do anything. My clothes are scattered all over the floor, and don't even get me started on my reading assignment. I think that because I've been overachieving all week that I just needed to underachieve. Hopefully, it's only a day-long thing, because my head is killing me.

I think I'm going to head off to bed, now. I don't find out about whether or not I made it all the way until March 28, which is just before Spring Break. Ah, it never seemed so far away.

But I do think it would be an awesome experience. You know, Susanna has been so disappointed with her English education since she got back from GHP...but I'd like that. Kinda like, I was at the top of the mountain once, and it was astounding. Now I'm back down here, and it's horrible...but I'm glad I saw what it could be like.

oh the cleverness of me

2008-01-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

So today would not be one of those good days. I was humiliated, degraded, and starved all day. Plus, I'll have to go back and do it tomorrow.

I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I don't know if I ever really have been. Maybe that's one of my problems. And it's not even that, most of the time. I don't usually think about the fact that I'm not really the prettiest girl around or that I wear incredibly thick glasses, because that doesn't really tell anybody who I am. I think about what a klutz I am or how I can't ever seem to say the right thing.

And then today was just...I can't talk to people. I realized that. Why don't I have one of those cool relationships where I don't feel bad about calling someone and just crying, even if it might sound stupid? I just let people talk to me about themselves. Of course, for most of them, that's all they ever talk about anyway, but still.

My eyes are just so old.

it's the same old story

2008-01-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

So. This week's been...crazy.

Wednesday I skipped to work on my English "project." I didn't finish, but I made a lot of headway. About the time I would have gotten out of school, it started snowing. It was crazy awesome, but it melted before school on Thursday, so we had to go. Lame. I got saddled with a bunch of makeup work which I still haven't done yet.

Friday, I went to school, but we left by 9:00 for the Beta Club Convention in Atlanta. It was exciting, just being there. None of my crowd actually went to the convention, though, so I was a little stranded most of the time. I was fine by myself. I can be a solitary person. I just don't like to know I'm totally alone. There's that difference there.

I participated in the Creative Writing competition. Something about a man who didn't wear matching socks. I know I didn't win because the topic threw me and I just wrote a bunch of crap. Ah, well. The session was fun. Clint told the most hilarious story ever..."The metal was bent, and it looked like a heart, except it was upside down. So it's like it was saying, 'I love you, Clint, but not really.'" I stayed a while in Kelsie's room, then went back up to my own. Barely slept that night since my roommates were so incredibly loud. Ugh.

Then Saturday morning it started to snow, and the superintedent called to cancel all school activities. So we Stockbridge people packed up all of our bags and were ready to go in half an hour. Then, out of nowhere, the Woodland people needed to hitch a ride back with us. So we had to wait for a fucking HOUR for them to get their shit together. I was so angry. Then some of them expected to be let off before us. Pssh. Okay, sorry Kelsie, I know it's not your fault. But I can't help it, either.

So we got home and it was snowing, and I wanted to eat but my mom promised to get me some food. Yeah, it only took her two and a half hours. So I was cranky. And they kept asking, "What's wrong?" which made me even angrier. I just retreated to my room and busted out the iPod (by the way, I have GOT to get the iHome base thing. Those things are beastly awesome).

And then today I went to see Atonement (which I absolutely loved) and then ate at Olive Garden. So pretty good day. I'm going to do all of my work tomorrow, so that'll be good.

Interspersed with all of that is Chance being incredibly psychotic. I really don't know what they expect. They tell him that if someone else throws the first punch, it's okay for him to hit them back. So you know what he does? He PROVOKES the other person. It's not just accidental. He seriously goads them into hitting him so he can beat their ass. Crazyness, that's what it is. I'm worried about him, but at the same time, it's not fair. He beats up his best friend, and my mom does the dishes for him. After I did the dishes for HIM when he was sick. So he hasn't done the dishes in a long time. Which is definitely not the point in the strike.

Ugh, I have to register for the SAT soon. And my GHP interview is next week.

OH!! I forgot. The hotel we were staying at for the convention....Barack Obama was there! I didn't believe it at first, but when we got out of the first session, there were guys with earwhigs all OVER the place. And on the elevator, someone said, "I heard Barack Obama's at this hotel," and a guy with an earwhig kind of looked around (to assess the danger of the person, I think) and said, "You're wrong," and just went back to looking around the hotel from the elevator.

Heh. Exciting.

ha!

2008-01-16T17:48:00.001-05:00

It is definitely snowing outside. I hope it's enough to get us out of school tomorrow.

It's just so wonderful. A warm Christmas break and a snowy school month!

Yay!

verbal constipation

2008-01-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

It's not pretty. I know it. Constipation of the mouth. Where no matter what you do, you just can't seem to get out what you need to when you need to. You keep quiet in important situations where your voice could really help, and someone suffers because of it. Plus, it's just a really gross sounding name.

Fortunately (or possibly probably unfortunately), I'm not suffering from verbal constipation. I seem to have contracted the diseases exact opposite.

I can't shut up.

More specifically, I can't stop saying things that are unnecessary/mean/hurtful/stupid. I try. I really do. I hold it in, I think about an alternative thing to say, I even took some Pepto Bismal. Nothing seems to work. "What is with that ugly baseball cap you're wearing?" "Why on Earth did you think I'd appreciate a blue necklace?" And my personal favorite: "Nobody even likes Linkin Park," a statement that sent a certain pre-pubescent to his or her room crying.

Is there some kind of medication or something that should help?

On a sidenote, I'm also suffering from PTOS. Yes, it's true. I have Putting Things Off Syndrome. But we call it Pee Toss for short. I should be working on my Huck Finn project, because I know I'm not going to have time next weekend....but I'm sure as hell not about to start.

nyuk

2008-01-10T20:13:00.000-05:00

Feeling agitated. No clue why. Very rebellious all of the sudden. Won't do what I'm told to do and all that jazz. Feeling like a failure. That's cool, though. These things come and go. A little bit.

School is...school. Not much there. Huckleberry Finn is a weird ass name. And a long book. Ew.

Chance got into a fight at school. Some black kid kept calling him a cracker, and when Chance didn't respond, the kid said, "That's what I though," and poked him in the back. Chance went off on the kid. I guess it's okay. It sucks that he's not being even a little bit punished for it, though.

I think the problem is that I'm getting a big head. Los padres care about my grades, think they're good, everybody says I could get into a great school. I didn't used to agree with them. I used to think, maybe, but probably not. But now I'm starting to think it's possible. And now I'm getting full of myself. I just need to slow it down and fail at something to bring me back. Like that's going to be difficult.

Okay, so I guess those is me thoughts. Love love.

words

2008-01-06T19:14:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to get my write on, but it's been difficult. I'll think of a great idea and then mess up the name and it just ruins the whole story. Ick.

Having fun with my iPod. Learned how to import CDs. Oh so much fun. I'll probably be up all night doing this mess. Me gusta.

farararara

2008-01-03T08:40:00.000-05:00

I realized that I haven't actually posted anything of substance lately, so here goes:

Christmas Eve, Chance spent the night in my room and I woke up every hour because HE wouldn't shutup. Then we officially woke up at 7 (Chance woke the parents, I got Joey), then we opened presents. Everyone was fairly happy (I got my iPod, so that was awesome), and Dad started working on the wicked cool puzzle I got him that had like, 30 different city scapes on it. We finished it before the New Year, but he broke it when he tried gluing it to the posterboard, and then he just put it all back in the box. It was a shame, because it was so pretty. My mom got Braves Monopoly, which she loves. Joe and Chris got cash. Chance got a bunch of stuff and two cd players, one of which he has already broken. Sometime over the break I bought myself a black leather chair at Goodwill for $15. I like it.

I watched Meet the Robinsons, which was absolutely adorable. Predictable, but it was such a good concept. Also watched Peter Pan, which is such a sweet movie. They kinda cheaped together the "alternate ending", though, because you could see wires and blue screens.

Let's see, what else? Last Friday was the Potter Party, where we mostly talked through the first 3, then watched the 4th and 5th ones. Chrisie wouldn't shut the hell up and I wanted to bean her upside the head. I ate too much and got sick. But it was fun. Kelsie got me Big Boned, and I read that in one morning, because it was fantastic.

New Year's...I drank like, two beers. At midnight, Joe and Drew went outside and lit these gigantic fireworks. Then, later, they went up to Drew's house and someone called the cops on them and made them break all of their fireworks. Heh heh. But New Year's Day, we went to Bee's and ate Partner's with a bunch of people who are supposedly related to me but whom I always forget. I got $50 and a bunch of weird gifts (like a teddy bear calendar), and Joey called at about 3 to tell us he was super sick, so we rushed home. It's that same thing he had last time, and it hurts my heart to see him writhing in pain like that, but that boy will tear your head off for anything, so I stay away.

I stepped so close to the heater last night it burned my favorite long pair of pajama pants. :(

Okay. So, that's that. Starting to feel a little sick myself, but hopefully I can get over that before tomorrow. Mexican food just isn't the same if you can't taste it. No clue why, though.

happy

2008-01-01T17:11:00.000-05:00

new year!

this year in thought

2007-12-27T07:35:00.000-05:00

I don't think a whole lot of change has happened for me. Essentially, I'm still the same person. I've stopped driving at night and rebelled against the dishes, but that's all surface stuff. It showed me who I am, actually. I am a scared girl who's going blind, but I'm also someone who's not afraid to have everything taken away at the expense of her beliefs (even if, bugger, they're not very practical).

The biggest change, I think, has been the relationship with my friends.

Sometime before the school year ended, Kelsie told us she was opting to go ahead and go to Woodland. I was absolutely crushed. Even though I logically knew that she was going because it was better (and, ahem, it is), I couldn't help but feel that she was leaving us, leaving me. I think I tried to keep it in check a little bit, but out of nowhere I would just feel so angry. I think she remembers that, because when it happened, I usually punched her arm. And then she went to Woodland, and we started off our Junior year at separate schools. Those first few weeks were so...listless. It wasn't really the same. I'd find myself thinking, "Kelsie would think she is so cool," or, "Kelsie would hate this lady." And it seemed like she didn't have the same problem, which hurt a little bit. Every time something good happened to her (and it happened a lot, because she's so special), I took that as further proof that it was better to be away from her. I don't know if or when I'll get over that. :(

Then Gracie. I guess you could say without Kelsie we've become closer, but not. Our conversations tend to focus more on sex and guys (of which, sadly, there are no cute ones) and Lee. She seems more and more sure of herself, and she's putting herself out there, but like with Kelsie, I'm selfish and thinking that I'm being abandoned. Sigh.

Even though we're not all together, we try to make time every week to hang out, which I can tell you, isn't easy. Normally, I dread going over there, because I know we're just about to leave in an hour. And I'm right to dread it. That hour, I realize how close we are, and it is so difficult for me to get in the car and drive away.

I suppose that, yes, things have changed for me. I started off the year after drinking a little bit of alcohol, and I haven't drank any since. I've started to distance myself from my mother. I put all of my money in a place that's supposed to help me get into college, but it doesn't seem to be helping so far. Harold died, and I realized that I haven't seen my aunt in over two years...and wondered if that made her my aunt, still. I went on the Birth Control. I got a new fish. My old fish died. Then my new fish died. Pollen attacked and covered the ground, the cars, the trees with yellow. I slept on a bed outside in the middle of March. I built a guillotine. Gilmore Girls ended. My favorite teacher ever moved away, along with a good friend, and I miss them dearly. I got black frames for my glasses. I survived, but Brooke, Shika, and Joe did not. Finished Harry Potter. Started Twilight. Realized how much I love the summer. Procrastinated until the very last day to do my summer work. Realized my school sucks ass and doesn't actually care about education. Smelled the flower freezer. Ate Icees. Made it to Laura's Halloween party. Saw Kelsie in a pageant and Gracie win homecoming princess. Made it to GHP state. Joined student council. Joined Prom Committee.

I think that's it. That and other stuff. Other people. Other things.

I think this next year is going to be very different.

le iPod

2007-12-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

I've only had it since this morning, but I love it.

I've already got about 15 hours worth of songs on here, which really isn't a whole lot if you consider that I only added the full albums we have, and haven't gone through the long process of adding individual songs or importing CDs because the rest of my family would like to get on the computer some time.

Ha, it's so cute! Joey got me the cutest little leather case thingy. I love it!

Merry Christmas to you all!

countdowns.

2007-12-22T08:36:00.001-05:00

All this last week I was counting down days until school was out.
I was counting down the days until we graduate (270).
I was counting down days until Christmas (3).
I was counting down days until the Potter Party (6).

All of these countdowns are making me pretty happy.

Ha, I got a 76 on Trig and it brought my grade down 5 points. Lame.

Last night, Gracie's dad took us to see Sweeney Todd (with Kelsie, of course).
I don't know what to make of it. It wasn't scary, per se. Disturbing, but not scary. I don't imagine that anyone around these parts are going to go off the deep end and start slitting people's throats to make them into meat pies. I did like that I knew that one song (kudos to you, Jersey Girl/Kevin Smith, you god you). I guess I liked it, overall. It's just not the kind of movie that you need to see more than once.

Yay! School's OUT for Christmas!

dear prudence won't you come out to play?

2007-12-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

Ha. I always thought that was funny.

Today wasn't so bad. Boring, but not bad.

Started off with the two study periods (lame). Neither of them really helped at all. Then we did APUSH exam, which was so easy it was almost hard. I don't know what to think about that. Then English, which I couldn't even study for at all because it was a practice AP exam, which you ALSO can't study for. Ew. I don't know. I think I did okay on that one. Not sure, though.

So tonight, I should really study for Trig, because I haven't studied for it at all and it's probably going to be a bitch in my ass.* Also, I should look over some Public Safety stuff. And I really should do those current events for Chemistry, but I probably won't, because they're not due until Friday.

I feel bad, though, because I hurt Gracie's feelings. I didn't mean to, it's just...you know how I can be. When I'm annoyed, it's hard for me NOT to say it. And I haven't said it for a few weeks. So it came out mean. Gah. I'm ridiculous.

Oh well. Less than a week!

*Put that in your quotables list this year.

but oh oh those summer nights

2007-12-15T10:34:00.000-05:00

Winter is back with a vengeance. My feet are like ice. !

Joey had his bonfire last night. /Played Halo directly underneath my bedroom, so I couldn't get to sleep. Except for the fact that I fell asleep at like, 10. Whatchever.

I'm loving having a cell phone. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

One more week of school and then we're OUT. Ha, I love it. 275 school days left until I've graduated. Hell yes.

I think I'm going to research some tattoos. I've been experimenting with different designs, and I'm wondering how they'll be costwise. I'm going to try to convince my gma to pay for it on my birthday. How kickass would that be?

I finally feel like I'm not a loser friend wise, so that's nice. Love wise is still not so great, but who cares? Well, I care, but does it matter at the moment?

I actually feel a little bit like doing some homework..and it's not 8 on Sunday night! Astounding.

Finals are a bitch, though. AP Multiple Choice exams suck. As does all of Chemistry. But I'm going to do the extra credit stuff, and maybe my grade will stay afloat even AFTER the final. Maybe. And trig...well, we'll see when we get there. Public Safety and Spanish should be breezes though, and I only have to study a little bit for APUSH. Nice.

Rambling's fun. I want to see Atonement, dammit! And the Golden Compass. AH!

summer lovin'.

2007-12-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

so it's not actually summer. But it sure as hell feels like it! Ah, I love it. I wore a short sleeve T today. AHHH! I forgot what my arms felt like without layers of clothing all on me. It was nice. Though I still love the cold. So there, Kelsie.

I've been listening to rap music. I love it. Ha, I'm such a nerd.

I should study for the multiple tests I have. Or bake muffins. Or...whatever. Ha, I don't care.

Mm. There's not really much to post.

Gonna go type up stuff for Writer's Workshop. Nice.

my weekend

2007-12-09T18:01:00.000-05:00

was eventful.

Saturday morning I finished most of my Christmas shopping (two more gifts!), then later that day I went to Katie's for her sleepover. It was...different. Mostly richer, Christian girls (who all went to the same church). But I'm fine just listening most of the time, so it was okay. Katie's house is awesome. She has a foosball table AND a Wii. It was amazingly good fun. But then we woke up this morning and I ate this nasty egg/sausage casserole and I almost threw up. Ew.

Then, today, we went to McDonough to go shopping for the Angel Tree kids. I think I did okay. I had a bit of fun, so that's good.

And now I'm just waiting for the towels to dry so I can get in the shower and maybe study.

so pretty much

2007-12-05T21:34:00.001-05:00

today's been a good day.

Finished my paper.
Organized Gracie's notebook.
Read a poem.
Used my cell phone (HA!)
Rescued a friend's bag.

Now all I have to do tomorrow is
Skip Writer's Workshop to go to the Beta meeting.
Read chapter 8 and study it.
Tell Barnes I won't be in class at all on Friday.
Memorize "O Captain! My Captain!"
Study for my Spanish test.
Finish the poster/print out the paper for my Trig project.
Study for my Trig test.
Bake cupcakes for Chili Cookoff.

And then Friday I just need to
Sell popcorn.
Sell tickets.
Man a pep rally.
Go to a meeting after school.
Study chapters 1-8, quizzes and tests.
Study Renaissance and Romantic American writers.
Study more Trig.

It helps when I write it all down. Be prepared for a list on Saturday about my goings on next week.

los clubes

2007-12-01T07:25:00.001-05:00

son malos. No me gustan porque todos necesitan dinero, dinero que no tengo. AY!

In other news: I'm in love with Peter Pan, the live action version from 2003. Que fantastico!

I was going to start my math project, but my dad was on the computer, and now I have lost the will to do so.

I can tell the difference between red and white corn chips, because I'm THAT amazing.

I love to make a fool of myself. What else is new?

I asked a gay guy to the prom. He told me he'd think about it. Ew.

It's December! Yay!

"my homies"

2007-11-21T19:13:00.000-05:00

We did end up hanging out, which was cool. Mostly all we did was go book hunting and watch television, and I had to work on the bookshelf a little bit, but I love my friends.

I'm already excited about our Potter Party! Gah, I wish we could have a billion of those. But that would take too much time, you're right.
"That's not all that's new this year."
*Snicker*

But the bookshelf is finished, and I am amazed that we fit all of our movies on it. I gotta respect my parents, though. That shelf is made to hold 300 movies. It's 30 movies short of full.

Like, DAMN.

I've been pretty much dragging ass today. I think I might just go finish my book, then watch Shrek 3 (because Chance was sweet enough to rent it for me).

Peace, yo.

>>And a Happy Thanksgiving to you all<<

la casa

2007-11-19T17:50:00.000-05:00

So this house was built incredibly weird. In the kitchen leading out to the garden room, there's a window, because the garden room was added on. It was a really ugly window, too.

One day, as I was stacking movies on top of eachother on our old bookshelves, I thought a thought. "If we take out those windows, we could build a bookshelf." And so I told my dad about it, and we talked about it.

One night in September, I said, "Hey, we should work on it over the break." So my dad got up and tore the windeows out. Easy as pie.
Unfortunately, we haven't had the money to actually build the shelf. So it's just been this big hole.

But yesterday...ah! Yesterday we could afford it! So we went to Lowe's and bought most of the wood, some stain, and some screws. I stained them last night (very poorly, I might add), and this morning we got up...

and now we're halfway towards a decent movie shelf! I'm excited. The only reason we couldn't finish is because we were short a board of wood, so we had to go back up to Lowe's today and buy that last piece. We have to wait a day, though, for the stain to dry, so we can't work on it until tom0rrow.

And then, when it's finished, I get to put up all of the movies. Alphabettically! I'm excited. (I really am).
Hopefully, though, I won't be doing it tomorrow, because I'll be hanging with my homies.

Ah!

ay dios mio

2007-11-16T21:29:00.000-05:00

I'm sick. Ew. I'm gonna take some Nyquil and pass out in a minute.

Student teacher basketball game was fun. Students lost. What a shocker.

Got to see Kelsie. That was pretty awesome. I love my friends.

I got a perfect score on the GHSGT writing part. It's surprising that not everybody did.

I learned how to make popcorn today. I've decided that I hate popcorn.

We were told we're going to write a sequel to Peter Pan in Writer's Workshop. I've never actually seen Peter Pan.

It's really cold. May be why I'm sick.

I'm excited! It's the week off. Woot!

i love

2007-11-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

to dance. There is nothing in this world more satisfying than a body moving, spazztastic dance.
Other than a nice hot shower.
And a tank full of gas.
And a good day's work.
And staying up all night reading a book because you just can't bear to put it down.
And waking up the next morning and rereading it for the hell of it.
And realizing that you're hated and you don't actually care.
And listening to Bridge over Troubled Water.
And finishing homework before 9 so I can watch House.
Oh wait! I should probably get to that..

i'm trying to think

2007-11-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=4906814&version=5&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=3.2.1

about what I was doing at 11:30 yesterday morning. Was I eating? Sleeping? Cooking? Helping my dad with the brakes? Does it matter if I was discovering the cure for cancer if White's dead?

That's five. Tory, Christian, Brooke, Shika, and now Joe.

I just want to hide under a rock.

I didn't always like Joe, but he always made us laugh. Last year he would make lunch a lot less boring. He was rude, lactose intolerant, loved to say fuck, loyal to his friends, very smart, and a good guy overall.

This one is the closest one yet. The other four I knew, but I never really associated with. But I definitely hung out with Joe.

Beatlemania

2007-11-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

About 40 years too late. Oh well.

This

is ridiculous. Ugh. Idiots.
"But when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out?"

I got 3 shirts at Kmart for $10. And they look nice, too. Score.

My dad's Jeep is LAME.

I was supposed to go to to the nursing home, but I had to back out. Gah.

I just need a new book to read. Something good. I can't wait until Christmas.

que the f

2007-11-07T20:48:00.000-05:00

Okay. So it comes as no surprise that I've always been fortunate enough to have good grades. So fortunate, in fact, that I've been comforted by the fact that if I just chose not to do something, I'd still be good.

NOT ANYMORE!

Now, if you don't turn your work in, you get SILENT LUNCH. What are we, in the fourth grade? But no, if you don't turn it in or get a zero on something, you have to go to silent lunch until you DO finish your work. And the teachers have to grade it and give you up to a 50 on it. That's just ridiculous.

I haven't really felt the burn, since I've always done my work. But I decided that I didn't really want to do that Spanish homeowork, because we did the exact same thing last year, and wouldn't it be awesome if I just skipped Spanish all together? But then I woke up in the morning and realized, "Hey. You'll be stuck in silent lunch for this." So I did it. Angrily, I might add.

The school has just gotten incredibly ridiculous. I would go to DHS if it weren't for the fact that every other week someone brings a hit list to school. I'm not in the district for WHS. Mr. Crappy Principal Guy is just such an asshat.
Keep to the right of the halls.
No congregating in the hallways or you'll get a referral.
If you break the dress code you will be sent to OSS.
Boys not wearing a belt will be forced to wear a yellow string around their pants.
You cannot have any demonic face paint (i.e., ghosts, vampires) for Halloween.
No hats on Hat Day.
If you want a dance, you just gotta abide by a few rules. And by a few, I mean 106.
Let me just tell you that I am Oh So Proud of you guys. Wait, what was that name again?

Oy with the bullshit already!

GHP

2007-11-05T17:37:00.000-05:00

I MADE IT!

I was going around saying I did a bad job at my interview. I THOUGHT I did a bad job at my interview. Apparently.

I'm excited that I made it to state. But it took me a while to get there. I thought for sure Gracie or Meaghen would get it. And Kelsie, now that I know she didn't make it either. I just don't understand it.

I haven't actually been able to talk about this part, because I'm always around this girl. But I cannot believe that Sarah was pissed at me. She was crying because she didn't make it. And she wouldn't talk to the people that did make it. What a bitch. She even said when she got out of her interview, "Well, that's shit." I mean, if I hadn't gotten it, I would have been fine with it. I was 100% shocked. I was just excited about getting free cookies. Honestly. Nobody seems to understand that. But Sarah? Sarah acted like it wouldn't effect her, then started crying over it.

Whatever. I'm over other people's anger issues.

*Hey, Kelsie, if you see Sra Chinn, could you tell her I made it please? See you tomorrow!

100 things revisited

2007-11-03T16:41:00.000-05:00

I was looking through some old posts and thought, Man, I've only changed a little bit. So I'll just post about it. 100 things style.

Empire Records is my favorite movie, simply for the line "Don't get your fingerprints on them, you're going to wreck them. That's why they call them records."
I like E.E. Cummings because he confuses the hell out of me but it's all so sweet.
I watch a kid's show called Hip Hop Harry in the mornings. And I wish I could join the Hip Hop Harry Dance Circle.
I like to dance, even though I'm not good at it.
I say I'm not good at a lot of things, even things that I'm decent at.
I don't even know why I do that.
I miss Kelsie horribly.
I forgot Kirstie's middle name.
I dreamt one night I *ahemed* with that one guy.
When I was two or three, I was dancing on my parents' bed, and a lamp with no shade fell onto my arm.
I can't feel anything where that burn mark still is.
I have another burn mark from chemistry last year, and I'm very proud of it.
I think I would miss my cyst if I ever got rid of it.
My favorite book is NOT Gone With The Wind. I actually haven't read that book in years. My favorite book is Pants on Fire by Meg Cabot because it leaves a lot to the imagination.
I always thought S. Morgenstern was real and I hated William Goldman for his stupid little additions (which, even now that I know the truth, are ridiculous. Way to ruin the suspense, there).
I think I bombed my interview, but at the same time I'm hoping I didn't actually and by some miracle I make it to State.
I've applied for 8 jobs. Haven't heard back from any of them.
I look up Moulin Rouge songs on Youtube.
In the fourth grade, on our way to Tybee Island, Kieya let me listen to her MP3 player with her, and we listened to the same song for about 2 hours. I didn't notice it until I said, "Is Advanced for Press some kind of rap group?"
I really only like a few Pink Floyd songs. "Wish you Were Here" is my favorite.
I love to write, but I can never think of anything good enough.
I don't go back and reread anything I write until I'm forced to.
I really like green, but since it was my mom's, friend's, and brother's favorite color, I said I liked red instead. But now it's my favorite color.
I've thought I was dead three times in my life.
I used to hurt myself.
I got over it.
I used to write bad poetry.
I didn't get over it. But now I don't willfully write poetry, so there's a difference.
I haven't drinken at all this year (excluding New Year's).
Around St. Patrick's day, I went to my brother's apartment, and I would have gotten drunk if my dad hadn't made me promise not to drink beforehand.
To this day, I have never tasted Rum. Nor do I ever desire to.
I almost tried pot once, but chickened out.
My dad thinks I sneak out of the house and have rabbit sex. I've never even held a guy's hand.
I truly love my teachers, because all of them are looking out for me.
I try not to lord it over anybody, but I love being number 2 in the class.
I'll be crushed if I'm not valedictorian.
I'll be crushed if I don't get into Brown or Duke. Or worse, if I get in but can't get a scholarship to go there.
I haven't actually researched these colleges (or any college really).
They sound good enough.
I sing when I wash the dishes.
When I'm really excited, I jump up and down and squeal and wave my hands around.
I do that when I'm scared, too.
And paranoid.
Lately, I've either been really really angry or really really happy.
I hate being that extreme, but I can't help it.
I have a horrible way of dealing with anger.
I sit in my room under a blanket and think about other things. Occasionally, I think back to what's making me angry. When whatever that is doesn't make me want to cry in anger, and I'm all numbed out, I can face whatever it is.
I told the GHP interiewer that I hated the Golden Compass. I liked parts of it, though.
I think I will fail at life because I live in this make believe world.
It's stupid that even though I realize this, I'm not going to change it.
Nothing truly horrible has ever happened to me (that I remember).
Sometimes I dream about what it'd be like if I were paralyzed.
Once I had a dream I was dead and talking to my aunt.
I truly lament the fact that I only have two blood relatives outside of my nuclear family.
I feel awkward telling my friends I love them, because they never say it to me.
In the seventh grade, I went to kiss Kelsie and Chynna on the cheeks, and they got freaked out. Now I just don't bother with anything.
I am sick to death of talking about Harry Potter.
Especially since the ending of the seventh one was so incredibly cheesy.
I got into an argument with someone because I'm areligious.
Then I got into another argument with someone because I believe in God.
Sometimes I feel like Chris D. doesn't even like me.
I've only asked two guys out. They both said no.
I once told my parents that I was going to Gracie's, and I went to the park and laid on the grass.
I watched Striptease when I was 9 years old with Kirstie and Katie R.
I would get to school at 7:30 even if I didn't have a zero period.
I hate it that some of the people in Writer's Workshop can't write.
I get embarrassed when I'm complimented and turn beet red.
If I read the book first then watch the movie, I hate the movie.
If I watch the movie first then read the book, I think that they're both good (or bad).
I can't stand my glasses.
Sometimes it creeps up on me that I'm probably going to go blind and I get panicked.
I can drive at night, but it really hurts me eyes and I'm scared the entire time.
I can't even read things unless I'm looking at them straight on.
I begrudge everyone else their eyesight.
I always paint my toenails and then forget to ever take them off.
I have a girl crush on Liv Tyler.
That once scene in Armegeddon where Ben Affleck proposes to her just melts my heart.
I would love to be a writer, but I don't think it will happen, which make me sad that we don't live in a world where we can be who we want to be.
I don't know if I'd be a good mother.
I love little kids. I love anyone under 10. Then I get nervous when I'm around them.
At the Trunk or Treat thing, I was in front of a moon bounce thing, and I had to help little kids take their shoes off. They were so adorable.
Sometimes I think about just randomly being a waitress, because then maybe I'd get over my fear of talking to strangers.
I haven't seen Granny in over a year.
I feel guilty because I wish she would die and be out of her misery.
She was the one who loved me, too.
Singing saves me.
My dad says I can't even sing that well.
I know some people get jealous of me because of my grades, and I know they'd be shocked if I told them how I wish we could trade lives and I could not be so...me.
I hated Laura's Halloween party, though getting to see Laura was cool.
I think maybe I'll try to see her some other time.
I feel blessed with my family, but I know we don't love eachother like we should.
What I mean to say is, I know they don't feel blessed.
I'm not supporting my mom's I haven't smoked campaign, because I know she's lying.
I used to think it would make a difference if I did support her. It didn't.
I was proud when the lady carded me at Blockbuster when I went to rent an R rated movie.
I don't understand the phrase "You want to have your cake and eat it too." What's so wrong with having a cake and eating it? Better than wasting it.
I used to hate pickles on anything. Now I ask for extra pickles (no onions).
I love Papa Dan, even though I don't think he loves me.
I think I'm the type of person who loves so much they can't function around people they don't love.
I want to go to Italy, New York, Hawaii, France, Australia, and Montana: in that order.

i wanna hold your hand

2007-11-02T20:29:00.000-05:00

I know I've posted about this before. I was just thinking about that post earlier. About how it's okay to hold a child's hand, but not a friend's. Not a stranger's. Yes, a lover's. A husband's. Not a teacher's. Not a classmate who needs help.

I was thinking about that earlier. I know someone who is going through such a hard time right now. But I am terrible with these kinds of things. I always say the wrong thing, and so most of the time I just sit in silence, waiting for them to ask for help that I am more than ready to give. But they don't ask. Eventually, they pull themselves together. Or they don't. Either way, they don't need you.

I just wanted to reach out and hold his hand.

sleeping

2007-11-02T02:03:00.000-05:00

has become difficult for me. It's now 3 in the morning. What is wrong with me?

I mean, I WAS asleep. I fell asleep at 8:30 with the lights on and my jeans and a quilt. And I kept doing that thing where you keep waking up because you're hot/lights are in your eyes, but you're too lazy to do anything about it. So about an hour ago, I actually DID do something about it, and now I keep thinking about my crap GHP interview.

Sleeping for me this week has not been good. I think I might just take some Nyquil and try to pass out, even though I'm waking up in three hours. But three hours is better than..now.

Maybe I'll just hold off on that Nyquil until tomorrow night, because I for definite need to sleep more than six hours.

island in the sun

2007-10-29T18:26:00.000-05:00

Aha! Alas! I have found what truly makes me happy!

Singing.

Too bad I can't do it very well. Sure, better than others, but still.

Agh. Trying to break out of this funk. Somebody OD'd last weekend, and even though he's okay, he's not really. It wasn't accidental. Puts things in perspective. Sure, I'm not really all too happy right now, but I surely don't want to die. I haven't lived enough to do that yet. Which, incidentally, is probably why I'm depressed in the first place.

Ah. Okay. So in truth, I have been battling with this for a while. Feels good to get that out there, I guess. Stretches all the way back to the 7th grade. Ha! Crazy. I used to feel important telling people the extent of it, like I mattered. But I didn't really. I was just another statistic. It's ridiculous. That's what I like about this blog, though. I can go back and realize how bad it's gotten and how these little spells end. Even though it seems like they're coming more and more often, that's not true, because they're still the same speed as they usually are. Some people might call that bipolar, I guess, but I'm not going to diagnose myself with a disease I don't have.

I'm sure this makes little sense.

Last night I dreamt about the night I told my friends. They just went, "Okay," and we didn't talk about it again, haven't talked about it since. And it was this big thing for me. Just goes to show I blow stuff out of proportion. But we all knew that.

November soon. I think I like summer more. It's pretty cold in here.

hmph

2007-10-28T06:45:00.001-05:00

So other than getting to see my friends (and I mean that in the actual sense of the word, not "hey we're at the same party let's be friends" way) this was a crap weekend.

And now today I'm going to be doing my crap chemistry work.

Crap.

normal?

2007-10-27T11:40:00.000-05:00

I don't like parties. But I'm going to one tonight where I will only know a handful of people and I will only like a few of them.

I didn't like parties last year, either. Which is why I got in a car accident to avoid it. Just kidding. Kinda.

I'm going to wear my cowboy hat and call myself Annie Oakley, even though I know she wore dresses.

kaby

2007-10-21T08:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, Kelsie, honestly? That was probably the most fun I've had in a long time. I'm not gonna lie.

And, okay, the whole time we were wishing you were up there with us. But that kinda woulda defeated the whole point of going to see you in a pageant. Which, by the way, you should have won. It's a conspiracy, a conspiracy I tell you! Besides, both of your dresses were absolutely fabulous.

But I do wish you were sitting up there with us. It was so much fun. I've never thought I had an affinity for drama, but I really loved the role playing thing, and I loved seeing everybody else's reactions to it. We have GOT to do that sometime.

And of course, I love your family. I didn't even get a chance to feel awkward, being around people who aren't my family. Adam was adorable, as always, Maggie was...Maggie. Katie was like a little mini-you. James kept going around trying to shock me, but my shirt deflected him. Your grandparents are awesome, and they remind me of my grandparents (which always makes me a little sad). And of course your parents are fantastic, not caring that me and Gracie were making asses out of ourselves. I clapped really hard and did a little hollering when the Lady lady was telling us to appreciate the parents.

Kelsie, your family > awesome.

water

2007-10-19T20:31:00.000-05:00

I've never thought about it before.
And now I'm so ashamed of that fact.
I spent all that time under the shower, just thinking, enjoying how it felt, not realizing that in a few months, we'd be bone dry. We wouldn't be showering. Restaurants wouldn't be serving water. Neighbors would be turning one another in for illegal water use, happy in their limited capacity to make others suffer. Fines, extensive fines would be issued to those who let a drop of water slip. People would be using plastic more and more to avoid washing dishes, washing clothes less and using Febreeze more.

This is insane. I remember reading that this would happen when I was about 14, but the numbers seemed so far away. Not far enough, I guess. Not nearly far enough.

How can they not have seen this coming? We elect these people because we trust them. I feel like I've been fooled, tricked.

con. fi. dance.

2007-10-18T18:34:00.000-05:00

The other day, I completely lost all confidence in my writing. All of it.
I wrote a short story. I felt pretty good about it. Gave it to my teacher. She wants to enter it into competitions. I let my dad read it. He thought it was crap. Joey read it. He thought is was crap. Chance read it. He didn't understand it.
So now I'm second guessing myself. Is that the right word? Should I really use that rhyme scheme? Not that I'm very good at writing poetry in the first place, but I'm looking at all of my writing with a much more critical eye.
The thing is, I've never thought I was a good writer. Ever. I feel like my writing is amature, and it never goes anywhere because people don't give you honest, helpful feedback. Whenever anybody tells me I've written something good, I don't actually believe them. I guess I've always expected someone to come along and tell me to give it up, I can never be a writer, quit trying. And I think that that's pretty much what these people just did.
And this is just...how I feel.

coming home

2007-10-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

So I'll start with the good stuff, because that'll take up less space. Gracie won as Homecoming princess! The Junior class float won the parade competition! An actually cool girl won Queen! Que bueno!

Okay. So that was the good stuff.

I had to be driven to school Friday because I knew I wasn't going to be able to get home at night (since I can't see to drive). At the end of the day, the pep rally started, and I was stuck taking tickets at the door, where some of my friends tried to bribe me to get in. I said no, but it made me sad. I snuck in though, and watched the football players play musical chairs, which, okay, was hilarious. Then I had to clean up the pep rally. Then it all began.
Since I was stuck at school, I offered to help Gant and Paine. I figured I'd just have to cut something out or whatever. They dragged me out to the field and moved 80 chairs. Then I had to go and drag columns to the field, and P was freaking out because one was missing. They drove me to the church where the parade started, and I had to give out sashes to the homecoming princesses. Ew. Gracie's mom drove me BACK to the school, and then they put me in charge of helping the photographer. Minutes before the game started, the lady asked me to drag her heavy camera crap to her car. No big deal, since she was nice. She offered to buy me food, but I wasn't hungry, even after not having eaten since 11. Got down to the field (which was packed) and had to walk back up to the school to get the phantom column, which was in the basement all along. I had left my stuff in Gant's room, so after I brought the column down, I went up to the school to get my bag. I had thought my parents were coming, but they didn't (big surprise there...they were both "really tired" and then ended up staying awake until 2), so I dragged me stuff back to the field to ask Gracie's mom if I could put it in her car. She let me, but her car was parked NEXT TO THE FRONT ENTRANCE OF THE SCHOOL. But then, when I got back, I was done. I got to see Gracie get crowned, and me and Kelsie screeched like girls.

Then Saturday morning we were told to report to the school to clean up the hall decorations. No big deal, okay, because I like most of the people on student council. I got there and NOBODY was up there. I had to find a band person to call Gant and wake her up to get to the school. And even then, it was only the three of us...again. Cleaning up four hallways. Ugh. I really had had about enough of them, and I figured they felt the same way, so I went off to the junior hall and cleaned it by myself, but we inevitably ended up cleaning the senior hall together. Ew.

And then I came home and I was a bitch to Gracie.
It's not that I was angry. I really wasn't. I could understand why she didn't come. She was tired. And I figured it was just punishment for not helping with the float or finishing the hallway last week. But I think I became angry. More mean. I barely said a word because I was tired and she just kept asking me over and over if I was mad, and I kept saying no. Then I became mad. Self-fulfilled prophecy, I guess.

I've been getting angry at the drop of a hat lately. Ever since Thursday happened. Asshole. Ugh. And it sucks, because when I get angry, my face gets splotchy and I start crying. Not like, boo-hoo crying, but hot tears of frustration. I've felt that way often since Thursday.

Okay. So that's homecoming. Thank God it's over.

homecoming

2007-10-09T17:31:00.000-05:00

Last year, as a wannabe student council member, I thought homecoming was so cool. Dress-up days were fun, the halls looked awesome (and I didn't have to be there the whole time), the banner was...well, our banner sucked, but I still thought it was vaguely nice. No, I didn't go to the game, because one, football is lame, and two, I would have been mobbed. And no, we didn't have a pep rally, because the first pep rally where a fight broke out and people got trampled cancelled all of the rest of them for that year.

Homecoming is lame.

I was supposed to be there all last weekend to decorate the school. I got sick on Sunday though, so I didn't go, but still. The one day was certainly enough. And our hallway looks lame anyway (though it looks a hell of a lot better than the freshmen hallway). Our banner is awesome thanks to the help of Alexis and Dalton (and several other people). But I still hated every minute of it. Every minute of the people coming to ME for answers, ME, the secretary, not Gracie, the VP or Andre, the president. And everyone not doing anything they should have been doing. And now, walking around school, I look at these people all dressed up and I think they're lame. I have no enthusiasm for this.

And I'm being forced to go to the game. Ew. I'm hoping I can find a way out of helping with the parade, but I wouldn't be on it. Ew again.

Pep rallies aren't really that bad. Basically I just stood there and tried to keep the sports people behind the line last time. And I really do like school spirit sometimes. I get caught up in it. I'm like the wood-sawyer in Tale of Two Cities. I get caught up in whatever I'm in, then change my mind about it later.

So those are my thoughts on homecoming.

waiting

2007-10-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting for something spectacular to happen to me. I built up the post to end all posts, and I've been hesitant to write about something less than fantastic. But I've also been terrified. How can I put myself out there with something so wonderful? Will it be good enough?

That's the thing, though. I'm always waiting for something spectacular to happen. Waiting for my life to begin. And I'm terrified that it will. And that it won't. I'm content. Not particularly happy, granted, but content. I can sit in my room and let those four walls protect me from everything. I can dream, I can imagine, I can think. I can have nightmares, as I lately have been.

I've got less than a year, I figure. I need to know. At least guess. What am I going to be? Writing is the kind of field that's hard to get into. Some people get you, but most don't. Teaching would be okay, I suppose, but in today's world, where shootings happen regularly, would that be wise?

I've never even had a job. My life is my school. And I hate it. But that's what it is, because since before I can remember, I've been terrified to break away from what I know. The night before my birthday, I made a list. I won't repeat it here, because I've pretty much said everything. Just the fact that I am...me. And I want to be a different me.

Now, granted, some days I'll be brave. "You only have one life to live." "Live this day as if it were your last." And I'll ask someone out (and invariably get rejected). Or I'll apply for a job. But the disappointment comes, and I come back into my shell.

That's my goal. My life needs to change.

sweet dreams

2007-09-29T17:25:00.000-05:00

When I was little, maybe about 6 or 7, I would have these amazing, incredible dreams, dreams I knew that at the age of 6 or 7 I shouldn't be getting, but still held significance to me. They were dreams where I was deeply in love, somehow in the future. There was always some song playing, popular in the day. And I always felt this sense that I had lost this love. And everytime I heard that song afterwards, it would physically hurt. Eventually, though, the songs went out of fashion, and I'd think about the dreams less and less. But today one of the songs came on the radio, and the wind was knocked out of me. And I realized that one of those dreams had come true. No, I haven't been deeply in love. But I think that I might have missed that chance. And no, I can't tell the future. But I clearly remember the feelings I had in that particular dream, and I know that I felt that way towards someone. And I missed it. I know I've missed it.

And that is just wrong.

Speaking of things that are wrong...my next post will be my 500th. Now, I'm not sure if I think I've posted more than 500 or less than 500. All I know is that 500 doesn't seem accurate. But be prepared. Because it will be fabulous.

poetry

2007-09-28T18:53:00.000-05:00

is bad. I realized this when I was reading other people's poetry today. They were pretty much all about death and souls and hearts and suicide, except for the one chick's whose were all about sex.

And they were all so...melodramatic.

Now, I write stuff in this blog from time to time (often, actually) about me being sad, because that's who I am. I don't write bad poetry about it, though. Not anymore, at least. You know why I don't do that anymore? Because I realized that they were LAME. Nobody wants to read about "The wind pulls my soul in the direction of Hell, and my pants come with it." Okay, not really.

Bad poetry just ruins my appetite, you know?

nightmares

2007-09-25T21:15:00.000-05:00

I have been having these horrible dreams lately. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I am afraid to go back to sleep. Not only that, but I've always been a little bit paranoid. I'll run through dark rooms (or won't walk through them at all), or I'll walk backwards out of a room. But these dreams make me afraid to even LEAVE my room. I think it might be the heat, because it has been exceptionally hot around here. Or maybe it's because I've had this sense of dread over me for a while, and it's starting to catch up.

Ugh.

I made up a word for my synthesis essay which I didn't realize I had made up. And it made me laugh...a lot. That, and the fact that I realized I used the word epidermis, and I kept saying in my head, "Your epidermis is showing," and I couldn't stop laughing. I think people mistook that for me being too proud. Which I guess I was. I've never thought my writing was any good, and I thought for sure I'd gotten a 3 or a 2. Imagine the overwhelming surprise I felt when I saw I got a 7! AND she called me the best in the class. It makes me a little sad, though, that this is what makes me happy. She's the teacher I had to ask not to call me Hill. It's not that I mind nicknames. I really don't. Come up with a different one, that's fine. But that one has a personal attachment to it, one that I don't take very lightly.

I have gone way off topic. And I slightly feel like I'm going to cry (though why, God knows). So, bye for now.

fiesta!

2007-09-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

What can I say? That I love the people that showed up? That I'm disappointed more didn't? I honestly though only three people would show up, so I guess I was surprised. I invited 30. About 7 came. So there's that. Honestly though, I think I would have been nervous if some of the louder and more entertaining guests would have come. But I am still slightly disappointed, more from wounded vanity than anything else.

I did, however, love the people who came. I learned Katie is a truly wonderful person who can do a hell of a back flip. I learned Chris and Jackie are very take-charge types, and when my parents were running late because of car problems, they started the grill and cooked all of the food. I learned that Sarah thought we were all rubes, and by the end of the day her mind changed. That, and you know, I got $90, an AIRzooka, two kickass movies, and a Red Bull. Not to mention all the food my parents bought, anticipating the biggest party of the year.

Then we played the newer version of Life, which is pretty awesome. I guess my view is skewed, though, since I got the best job ever. And won. Then we woke up and there was delicious food. Yum.

And now I have to read the chapters for APUSH. I actually read the chapter that we're most likely to have a quiz over, and now I'm "taking a break" (read: not getting back to it until the night before the next quiz) because I realized that we won't have anything over those other chapters. So I'm an evil procrastinator who has to write thank you cards, get a sponsorship, write a short story, and...something else. I can't remember what, though.

When all I wanna do is watch Mulan. :)

none

2007-09-21T08:17:00.000-05:00

I really love having these weeks off. At first, I think I hated it. Now I have no idea why that would be. Probably because I've gotten used to the fact that after six weeks of fascist dictatorship (a.k.a. school), I can have one week all to myself. And I LOVE it. My grandmother said I only like the week off because it's my birthday, but that's not true, because I actually like having my birthday during school more, because somehow you get more stuff (and I am a selfish being, I freely admit).

So Sunday I went up to Peachtree City, where I shopped with my grandmother and ate delicious food until Wednesday (the greatest day ever). That day, she took me to a florist, because I had told her that I just wanted to go inside and smell the flowers. We walked in...no flower smell! I almost walked out, but my grandma went right up to the lady and said, "This is just the weirdest thing but my granddaughter wanted to smell your flowers," and the lady just took it in and then let me go to the back freezer. Now, I love the cold. And I love the smell of flowers. So when I walked into that freezer, it was like heaven. I walked around to the different flowers, smelling them all. It was really just, wonderful. Then we left, but not before my grandma had bought me the sweetest smelling rose I think I've ever gotten.

Then she took me home. That night, we went to La Hacienda, and they did shove a sombrero on my head, sing to me and Spanish, and give me free sopapilla. My parents wanted to make the most out of it, though, so they told them it was Chance's birthday too, which kinda sucked, since he had already, you know, HAD his own special little party. But whatever.

Then yesterday I went with Chris D. and Gracie to the mall to get heavenly Icees, then to see Superbad (because a. I heard it was hilarious and b. it was R-rated). I got lost about a million times, took several illegal turns, but I think we made it okay. Then I had to drop Chris off at a freaking dentist appointment (which I TOLD him he was going to be late for). Then I came home.

Now on the agenda: calling people to see if they're coming to my party (so I can buy the right amount of food), cleaning the house (I was going to clean the yard, but it's RAINING), calling my uncle, reading history, and vacuuming. It's pretty much going to be superLAME.

See what happens when I don't really post for a week?